Right then. Where were we? Sorry it’s taken longer than I thought, but it took longer than I thought.
NEXT STOP – KOH LANTA:
We stayed in a bungalow. In Thailand lots of people live in Bungalow’s, not just lazy old fuckers like here. One evening, feet up, beer in hand I was watching the sunset. Illuminated by the magnificent blood red falling sun, a dog squatted, looked me square in the eye and had a massive shit. A shitting dog’s a bit like a car crash. I think he’d been eating chicken on stick.
A sunset even a shitting dog can't spoil
We’d heard that the Old Town was pretty but it was quite far away, so we decided to get a scooter out for a couple of days and really explore the island. God I had so much FUN on the scooter. It was orange and I felt like a right playboy with the tart on the back.
Had to put about 78 Baht in petrol in it on the 1st day. That’s about £1.60 – £1.70. Second day I only had to put about 60p’s worth in. You have to give it back with the same amount of petrol as you started with you see, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have bothered to be honest. The people at the petrol station fill it up for you as well so it wasn’t really a big deal.
Unfortunately our few glorious days relaxing in Koh Lanta had come to end and we made our way by boat to Krabi.
It was pretty grey when we got there, I said to the bit of fluff that it felt like it needed to rain. We had a bit of rain early/mid afternoon and I thought it might brighten up a bit after that, but it didn’t. It got greyer if anything. In the evening it absolutely tipped it down. Although it only lasted about half hour, and dried up pretty quick.
We left for the airport pretty early. I thought we’d be able to grab a bit of breakfast after we’d checked in, but they didn’t really have anything. It’s a really small airport. Ended up just getting a coffee, biscuits and some Haribo’s. The bird stuck mostly with Haribo’s, like she normally does. I had a couple but they made my mouth taste a bit funny after the coffee, so I went back on the biscuits.
The flight was alright. We got a sandwich and cup of tea. They ALWAYS cut the crusts off sandwiches in Thailand. It’s a bit strange, but it does explain why none of them have curly hair. They must cut the crusts of in China as well cos them lot have all got dead straight hair as well. ”What do they do with the crusts?” I asked. “What do they do with all the crusts?”. ”What do they do with all the crusts?”. She wasn’t listening.
Got me thinking that perhaps they send them all over to Africa, which would make sense as African’s all love the crust. They think it forms an essential part of the sandwich.
“I think they send them over to Africa.”. ”I think they send them over……..”
Back in BANGKOK:
We thought we’d stay somewhere a bit fancy as it was the last leg of our trip……and faaancy it was. Instead of having a wall to divide the bedroom from the bathroom, they had glass. Now I know what your thinking. What if you’re having a whoopsie? They’re not STUPID. They had a frosted strip across the centre. If you were having a whoopsie you’d only be able to see feet……and a fuzzy(ish) outline of the rest. Same in the shower. Here is my artist impression. It is 100% accurate. ALL of it.
Fancy innit!? I decided to stick with the shit roll while we were here. It was difficult enough trying to use the bum hose behind closed doors, let alone when your girlfriend is pretending to watch TV 2 feet away through glass. You can’t really get away with saying you were just having a piss when someone can see you sitting there for 10 minutes with your trousers round your ankles.
I’m a bit of a fucking culture vulture so we went off to see the Grand Palace. The best thing about the Grand Palace are the thousands of people. I also enjoyed the opportunity to get a sweaty ringer wearing a pair of jeans in the midday heat. The buildings and that are alright. They make a big fuss about an Emerald Buddha so I said to the bird; “we’ve gotta fucking see that!”.
Not even made of Emerald. Jade it is. Bollocks it was.
Oh you can’t go in that one.
Doors are locked on this one.
They’ve got a MASSIVE gold laying down Buddha. I say gold. You could see where they’d repaired it with plaster board tape, so it’s essentially a sculpted bit of dry wall that’s had a lick of fancy paint. That was alright. It had massive feet. Not sure why it’s laying down though. Apparently it’s because he’s entering the final stage of Nirvana. He wouldn’t have a massive grin on his face if he knew that Kurt Cobain had blown his head off.
Our Thailand adventure was coming to a close. What better way to bring an amazing trip to end than by looking out over the Capital City of this fantastic country. The views were spectacular, we drank cocktails and spoke of what had been our favourite parts of two of the best weeks of our lives. I had to admit that being there, on that roof, with 3G reception for the 1st time in weeks was absolutely incredible.
The view from the 62nd floor roof top bar. Incredible.
That was that. We returned home. The flight back was belting. We got to watch all of the SAME films as on the way out!
The tart said that this was her favourite picture from our entire trip. Look at his little face. Awwwwwwww.
Now fuck off.