Done in two parts, this is everything you need to know about my holiday. If there’s something within these posts that you genuinely want to ask me about, then I’ll consider elaborating, but essentially this is it. No need to ask me if I had a good time.
Here we go then, let’s get this out of the way.
Gemdog gave us a heads up of a nice little place to stay in Bangkok that had a pool on the roof. The room had a 12 inch old style TV (NOT FLAT SCREEN) that was mounted in the top left corner of the room. It had a few channels, most of which were FOREIGN. We ended up having to watch the news most of time, which was alright actually as there were a load of other FOREIGNERS chucking stuff at the police n that and it looked a bit like a film. It was in Choonizia. They looked really angry and I thought “my God!, don’t tell me they’ve raised tuition fees there as well!?”. Turns out that they were just unhappy with borin shit like corruption and human rights abuses, they didn’t even seem to have bothered making amusing placards. Lazy.
In Thailand they have shit roll but you MUST NOT put the shit roll down the toilet. You have to wipe your bum and put the shit roll in the bin. As well as shit roll they have a bum-hose. The bum hose is the more traditional way to wipe your bum. It blasts the skids from your anus with a jet of water. The bum hose in Bangkok was of medium ferocity. I mostly got the back of my balls on my1st attempt. I sat there for a bit waiting for them to dry but I got bored so just went out with soggy balls.
We didn’t use the pool.
After a couple of days we flew down to Phuket. I could wax lyrical about Phuket. The sights and sounds of Patong, the beach, the views……but one thing stands out….the cocktails.
We got a boat from Phuket down to Phi-Phi. I quite like boats. This boat was ok but not the best boat I’ve ever been on. The best boat I’ve ever been on was the Folkstone to Calais Sea Cat when me and Dad went over to Eastenders to get a load of Old Holborn to knock out to his mates at work.
I thought the trip might be a bit boring but I couldn’t have been more wrong! First they played an Eric Clapton concert and then Mr Bean. When they cut Mr Bean mid-episode (does anyone know how he actually gets on at the dentist!!!??) I was pretty pissed off, but we were arriving at Phi-Phi.
Friends had tried to tell me just how beautiful the island is, but nothing could prepare me. Words, or at least my words, simply cannot do it justice. Fortunately we had the digital SLR at hand for such moments. As I took this shot I thought our memory card might just fucking BLOW UP there was so much to take in.
The place we had planned to stay was fully booked so we just winged it when we were there. We ended up in a room with an 18 inch LCD TV with some pretty decent channels. There was an alright film channel and we watched one where a young cheerleader is regularly raped by her Dad and another one where these kids have their throats ripped out by rabid dogs. It was very sunny.
I thought I had cracked how to properly operate the bum hose, but the one on Phi-Phi was much more ferocious than previous ones. It was so strong that it blasted my willy out of the way and I sprayed the wall.
The toliet itself didn’t have a flush, but they did supply a bucket which you had to fill up with water from the bumhose and pour down the bog. Luckily for me I got food poisoning from some chicken on a stick while we were here. I quite enjoyed having to stare at my puke while I filled up the bum hose flush bucket. I poured too much water down one time and it was touch and go whether the chicken on stick puke and the bum hose flush water would breach the top of the bowl. It didn’t.
The sun-sets on Phi-Phi are unlike anything I’ve experienced before. The light dances across the water, accentuainting the piercing white spray from the wake of the elaboratrly adorned long tails. Transforming the lush green limestone hill-sides into dark arms that appear to embrace you, seeming ly offering protection from the almost supernatural ocean.
Little known fact: Phi-Phi is backward cap wearing fuck stick capital of the world.
I’ll leave it there for now, I’m aware that it’s alot to take in.
Part 2 to follow tomorrow….maybe.