Category Archives: festival

Bestival – The alpaca the pig and the lazy donkey

Alpaca’s are my 3rd favourite animals behind elephants and sloths, so imagine my excitement when we went for a walk and stumbled across a pets corner with a few of the cheeky little rascals kicking about.

Look at this one.  Chilling out with the horse.  Having a bit of lunch.  Enjoying the view.  Ain’t he cute!?  Awwwww.

I’m not such a big fan of horses, but this one was nice.  He wandered over and a gave him a little rub on his hooter.  I didn’t have any sugar lumps to feed him so I just picked up some grass.  That’s probably better for him anyway, I don’t really understand why you would give a horse sugar?  I remembered to keep my palm flat.  You must ALWAYS keep your palm FLAT when you’re feeding a horse otherwise it will definitely eat your fingers.

A guy I used to work with used to say that he fed a girls horse when he stimulated their female lady lips.   He used to go “Yeah I fed ‘er horse up last night, it was well ‘ungry” and show me with a gesture as if feeding a hungry horse.

Then we come across this pair.  I’m not quite sure what had happened, but the Alpaca seemed to have had some sort of accident and couldn’t use his legs properly.  From the way he was whining and screeching I think it must’ve been pretty bad.  He could barely walk!

He and the pig must’ve been really good friends as pig was trying to give him a piggy back.  The Alpaca was much bigger than the poor little pig though and she looked to be in some discomfort herself as she tried to carry him.

There were other Alpaca’s there but none of them came to help the pig carry him.  Even the donkey who would’ve been much more useful in aiding the stricken Alpaca didn’t come to help, and that’s kind of what a donkey’s job is.  To carry stuff n that.  It was very upsetting.

Lewy Pooey decided to film it.  I’m not sure why.  I think it was so that if the pig were to be seriously hurt he could show her owners what had happened and they could piece together the puzzle.

With much difficulty the pig managed to carry him all the way over to the edge of the field, but it all appeared to have taken it’s toll on the poor swine and she had to give up…..

I think her husband was due home from work.

When we were at Bestival we found a stall that sold lots of knitted stuff.

Lewy had been smoking these things he called “Bifta’s”.  I was a bit confused as I thought Bifta’s were those great big bins that you got tugged off behind when you’re at school.  Anyway.  These bifta things made him all smiley and happy and when he saw that some of the knitted stuff was made from Alpaca fluff he immediately bought one.  I think the proceeds must’ve gone into some sort of Alpaca benevolent fund or sumfink.

That’s what I love about Lewy.  Even when he’s having fun with bifta’s and stuff he still thinks about that Alpaca and his poorly leg.





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Bestival – Gem Dog’s wee hole

I'd She Wee on his head. I'd She Shit on his head.

The plan was to do loads of Bestival posts last week, but between you and me I’ve been struggling.  I’ve felt progressively worse every day since last Tuesday.  I was pretty sure  I’d be dead by today.

I’m not though.  Look! Here I am! Hello!  I feel much better now, thanks for asking.

There’s too many black holes holes in my memory to be able take you through our weekend as it happened, so what I thought I’d do is just post stuff as/when they come back to me.

One of the first things  I had written in my notebook that came to mind was:

“Gemdog and her wee hole”

Because girls are such dirty little buggers and piss everywhere when they go toilet, they have to hover above the seat when they have a wee otherwise they’ll get other people’s slash all over their bum-cheeks.  It must be an awful strain on their legs.  I think that’s why a lot of girls have such big thighs.

Gemdog brought a thing called a “she wee” with her so that she could have a wee standing up like a civilised human man.  We had a bit of trouble figuring out which way round it went but then Lewy said that “It don’t go that way round, underneath is where ya wee ‘ole is”.  He is very bright and we managed to work it out.

I thought the “She Wee” was a very good idea but one of the other girls with us didn’t think it would work because you couldn’t control how fast your wee came out and it would go all over your hands.

I don’t think this girl wee’d like normal people.  I think she had a sort of trap door wee hole where you pulled a cord and it all came gushing out at once.  Kind of like on Noel’s House Party when all those bent heads get gunged…’cept it weren’t gunge it was pissssssssss.

The same girl also gave some bloke a blowjob down an alley way in Torremolinos with a kebab in one hand and the cock in the other.

She also wanks at work and everyone at work knows that she wanks at work, so when she comes back from having a wank at work all the boys at work sniff their fingers.  I said to her “how do the boys know you wank at work?”.  She said “because I always go in the disabled toilet coz it’s got a full length mirror”……..”and I told them that I wank at work”.

She was very nice but made me a bit uneasy.

Bye bye.

RnR xx

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Zim Zimmer who got the keys to my bimmer?…bus it is then.

It’s been a while.  Again.  Apologies for that.  I’m going to be knocking out some thick and fast posts so make sure you keep checking in.

Last time round I was preparing for the End of the World Halloween party.  Seems ages ago now.  Anyway, as promised, here’s some pics.

 Cheers to Alice for sorting out the contacts.  Better than the pieces of shit I wore last year.  I went for the cheapest one’s I could find and they were a fucking nightmare.  Pretty much just a circle of tip-ex on cling film.  I had no depth perception, not the best when you’re trying to navigate your way around the underground.  Ditched them after about an hour and a few pictures.  Contacts lenses are like tomato ketchup.  Cheap one’s are shit.   No such problems this year.  Vision was a bit blurry but I won’t be laying the blame at the contacts door.


Halo4 Halo11 Halo2


Last requests was the music policy for the night.  Particular highlights for me were General Levy and Beanie Man.  I know a few of our bunch were pretty blown away by my MC skills.  I’m pretty sick on the M-I-C to be fair.  Quick stepped out of my mind.  Gave this guy a run for his money…..not on the trouser front obviously.  Hands down champ there.  

 The recent Circus Freaks and Halloween parties have reiterated that the best “do’s” are fancy dress based.  Everyone goes nuts.  Do a party.  Do it fancy.  Invite me.


Halo13 Halo12




By the way.  Everyone was mad on Halloween this year.  3rd biggest money spinning “holiday” after Xmas and Easter now they reckon.  Had a conversation with a guy on the bus home.  Turned round and he’s done up like a lizard.  Caught a glimpse of myself in the window and realised how mental it was at 4 a.m.  Should’ve taken more pics really.  Let’s not get so into it that we stay at home handing sweets out to kids, like those lot over the pond.   Keep it as an excuse to get messy, for teenagers to get a bit of money for weed and for the hoodies to get away with muggings for one night a year.  Keep it sinister.  Keep it UK!

Over and out for now.  Got bigger blog fish to fry.



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Poles out on their ear! – Fashion & Festivals

Save the flag!

Save the flag!

You must’ve heard by now that Reading and Leeds festivals are banning flags. I couldn’t give a shit about Leeds and I don’t have an effinity to Reading, but seriously….is this the way things are going!?

I suspect this is more about broadcasting than complaints from the customer. Perhaps the 100’s of cameras won’t be able see every inch of the stage, perhaps the inch of the stage they miss will have some big money corporate sponsor blazoned across it.

Ban the twats!

Ban the twats!

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