Sorry I haven’t posted anyfink for a while. I’ve been very very busy……watching 3 ugly boring Northerners fight it out for the coveted prize of Masterchef the professionals.
For those of you I’ve heard whinging about X-Factor rigging, you should all be aware of the consequences of putting the most talented people through to the final of a TV talent show.
So what if you can cook a quail to perfection. I’d rather have an omelette cooked by a tart with nice tits if it means I don’t have to listen to the “talented” one droan on and watch them awkwardly scratch their face every two seconds.
This is them. Not that anyone gives a fuck. The one at the back is Northern and boring. The one is the middle is a bit more Northern and quite a lot more boring, and the one at the front is proper Northern, proper boring, proper pig face.
Off they scurry back to obscurity…..and hopefully darkness.
Anyway. Enough of that boring shit. I’ve got some BIG EXCITING news! A few weeks ago I went on barge. A BARGE! I bet none of you losers have ever been on a barge!
The most bestest fing about being on a barge is when you get to a lock. Locks are so EXCITING! We had to wait for a bit because a man was emptying all the poo and wee out of his barge right by the lock. It smelled horrible it did. He waved at us when he backed out and thought, urrrrgh, I just smelt your poo and now you’re waving at me like you think I haven’t just whiffed your innards. The dirty bugger. He didn’t even have a red face or nuffink.
Then Gilbey said that I could open thelock.
He gave me the big key and I ran all the way around to the other side. Here is a picture of me half way round to the other side with the big key. It doesn’t look like a key but it is a key, it’s just different from a door key because it’s a lock key. The key was quite heavy, but I am big and strong and I carried the key easily:
“Hurry Up!” Shouted Gilbey. So off I hurried. I was still very EXCITED!
Gilbey didn’t give me any instructions about how to use the big key and he got very impatient with me when I was trying to work out how to use it. He tutted at me and clambered over the lock to my side. I had never been on a barge before so I didn’t know.
He took the key duty away from me and done it himself. I don’t think Gilbey understood how much opening the lock would mean to me.
I didn’t want to get back on the barge because Gilbey had really upset me, but ginger Rich said I could have some of his Scrumpy so I thought “fuck it”. When I got back on Gemdog gave me a hug. She had a tiger on her coat, I like tigers and that cheered me up. A bit.
When you pullover on a barge you have to tie it up, otherwise it’ll float away down to Limehouse and you’ll never see it again. Gilbey gave Lewy Pooey the tie up task but he’s a bit of a pranny and forgot to untie it when we started to sink. If you don’t untie it then I fink the roof will come off and you’ll have a cabriolet barge. I thought that would’ve been pretty cool but everyone PANICKED.
Lewy Pooey was very quick to sort it out, but WAIT!……how is he going to get back on the barge!? Walk down the slope and step on you say? Don’t be knob. If you’ve been drinking for 15 hours then you try and jump the 6ft onto the slippery roof.
I was well up for seeing him attempt it but Gemdog (the fucking spoil sport) said “No no Lewis! Just go around, don’t be an idiot”. Lewis is so under the thumb that he didn’t jump from the side. Pussy.
He climbed down the algae covered ladder and decided to jump from there! I never would’ve thought of that, but then I’m not a bright spark like him!
As if things couldn’t get any worse after being denied the opportunity to open the lock. He made this jump. Gutted I was.
We chugged on down to Mile End for a coffee. I tried to bet Gilbey £200 to strip off and get a duck in a headlock but it was about midday by this point and there were families around, so we just went home to bed.