Tag Archives: Art

Bestival – Gem Dog’s wee hole


I'd She Wee on his head. I'd She Shit on his head.

The plan was to do loads of Bestival posts last week, but between you and me I’ve been struggling.  I’ve felt progressively worse every day since last Tuesday.  I was pretty sure  I’d be dead by today.

I’m not though.  Look! Here I am! Hello!  I feel much better now, thanks for asking.

There’s too many black holes holes in my memory to be able take you through our weekend as it happened, so what I thought I’d do is just post stuff as/when they come back to me.

One of the first things  I had written in my notebook that came to mind was:

“Gemdog and her wee hole”

Because girls are such dirty little buggers and piss everywhere when they go toilet, they have to hover above the seat when they have a wee otherwise they’ll get other people’s slash all over their bum-cheeks.  It must be an awful strain on their legs.  I think that’s why a lot of girls have such big thighs.

Gemdog brought a thing called a “she wee” with her so that she could have a wee standing up like a civilised human man.  We had a bit of trouble figuring out which way round it went but then Lewy said that “It don’t go that way round, underneath is where ya wee ‘ole is”.  He is very bright and we managed to work it out.

I thought the “She Wee” was a very good idea but one of the other girls with us didn’t think it would work because you couldn’t control how fast your wee came out and it would go all over your hands.

I don’t think this girl wee’d like normal people.  I think she had a sort of trap door wee hole where you pulled a cord and it all came gushing out at once.  Kind of like on Noel’s House Party when all those bent heads get gunged…’cept it weren’t gunge it was pissssssssss.

The same girl also gave some bloke a blowjob down an alley way in Torremolinos with a kebab in one hand and the cock in the other.

She also wanks at work and everyone at work knows that she wanks at work, so when she comes back from having a wank at work all the boys at work sniff their fingers.  I said to her “how do the boys know you wank at work?”.  She said “because I always go in the disabled toilet coz it’s got a full length mirror”……..”and I told them that I wank at work”.

She was very nice but made me a bit uneasy.

Bye bye.

RnR xx

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We went on a lovely trip – Part 1


I have a feeling that this post could end up being pretty epic. If like me, you have a tendency to scroll down the page before you start reading anything, do not be deterred…..it’ll all be worth it.  Believe.

Right then.  Me and the tart and Lewy Pooey and his horse hound all headed down to Dorset the other weekend in aid of Pooey’s birfdee.

Day 1 of our activities began on the Saturday:

We all jumped in the Almera and headed off.  To get where we were going we had to get on the Studland chain ferry.  I was very excited.  I was a bit sad that the crossing wasn’t a bit longer as it looked like it would be a thrilling trip, but when we got out onto the huge expanse of ocean I was glad that it wasn’t too far as the water was SO choppy I thought that we might all perish.  Luckily the captain was very experienced and he managed to save us from certain death.

Artist impression

Whilst we were crossing Gemdog informed us that Studland has the most popular nudist beach in the UK.  Luckily it was quite cloudy and a touch windy so we didn’t see any cocks or fanny’s.  Phew!  YUK!

To celebrate not seeing an old boys old boy, we stopped off at this big hairy pub and had a drink.  I had a pint of ale because I am a big strong man.  The tarts had a half and Lewy had a pint of 7% cider because he is sensible and was driving.

It is a very lovely pub isn’t it?  Lewy wanted some cash-back.  They were very accommodating and said he could have as much as he wanted.  He got £50.

Whilst in the garden we decided to get a picture of birthday boy and his TWO new camera’s.  Luckily Gem dog has an I-Groan, otherwise we would’ve had to take brass rubbing of his face.  Which would’ve been ridiculous! We didn’t even have any crayons!!

Lewey was wearing his new trousers.  He loved them he did.  He kept rubbing his legs and saying how nice they felt.  It made me feel awkward.  Like when you can’t stop thinking about wanking and you’re in the same room as your Nan.

After our drinks we headed down to the sea, where I skimmed stones and everyone on the beach watched in awe.  My technique is second to none.  We also wrote “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEWIS” in the sand.  I drew some balloons around the text to liven it up a bit.  The bird said they were shit.  She always has to go a ruin and nice moment.  We went back to the car because she had fucked everything up!….and it was a bit chilly.

I think the balloons are alright.....

Back in the Almera we made our way to Swanage.  I had never been to Swanage, but my old school chums went there on a field trip.  My mate told me that it was one of the best weeks of his life.  I was very excited!

Not a little slapper in sight 😦

I had been told it was utopia of slags and 4 litre bottles of cider, imagine my disappointment then when we were greeted by a 1940’s street party!  Gutted.  Still, there was a 40 something woman singing “Johnny be Good” and she had massive fun bags.   Rough with the smooth I ‘spose.

We went to the arcade and tried to make our fortune.  I think those 10p slot machines where you try and win more 10p’s are AMAZING!  Now they’ve even put five pound notes and jewellery in there with them.  It’s like a little bit of Vegas right in Dorset.  While we were there Lewy and Gem dog won these guys.  I had my sunglasses nicked.  Everyone’s a winner!

I also bought a pair of 80’s brown Clarks loafers from Help the Aged.  I got a great deal at £6.99.  In London they would’ve been at least £30.  Although I did feel bad because vintage shops in London only charge so much because they like to give much more money to charity than those Dorset bastards!  I shall write a cheque for the difference to Beyond Retro.

We said our goodbyes to Swanage with a 99 and headed on towards Corfe Castle.

This is Corfe Castle.   We planned on walking up and taking a look around but none of us could be fucked and they were taking six quid.  That’s a couple of beers down there so we went to the pub to relax.

Corfe Castle is in Wareham. Gem dog told us that Enid Blyton based Noddy’s toy town on Wareham.  It had a little steam train and everything.  I really liked these that were in all the shops.  I especially liked it when I saw a little boys parents buying him one as a souvenier….awwwwww.

The tart tried to convince me that me that Enid Blyton was a bit of racist.  She’s a wolly!

When we got home Gem Dogs Mum said that the village shop at Corfe Castle had been on Mary Queen of shops that week.  It was pretty strange as we had bought some stuff from there.  Mary is good at her job obviously.  I was a bit gutted we missed Mary.  I definitely would.

Yum yum yum.

In the evening we went to Poole harbour.  We sat and had a glass of Rose and watched a drunk girl get taken away by the police.  She asked the policemen what she was “sposed ta ‘ave done”, they said “you know what happened”, “no I don’t” came the reply.  You “headbutted her didn’t you”.  “Oh”.

We moved on.  Loads of people were dressed as pirates a bit further on which was FUN!  Nice old style pirates I mean, the ones that say “arrrgghhh me hearty” and that.  Not those mad brown ones with speed boats and machine guns who say “give me your boat or I shoot dis woman in her face.  They’re awful they are those ones.

The highlight of the day for the girls was when we were in the taxi and “Nelly – Ride wit me” came on.  Me and Lewy Poeey absolutely fucking smashed it mate.  Taxi driver was lovin’ it!

If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

Ok.  So we’re only at day 1 and day 2 was better than day 1.  I think I’ll have to do this in two parts.

Still to come in part 2…..a treasure hunt…..deserted towns….wrong turns…..nitrous oxide……..military testing and our 1st McFlurry in 4 years.

Hold tight!!

RnR!!

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Chris Cairns/Beardyman >> Holographic Performance


Saw this about a month ago but I couldn’t quite figure out how to lift it.   Not even the geekiest of my super geek friends could work it out.   What’s the point of wasting your time with dweebs if they can’t even help you out with the stuff you’re too cool to learn yourself.

Sort yourselves out lads or I’ll trade you in!

Anyway, I got there in the end.

It’s another instalment from the boy Cairns after this sensational Scratch Perverts stuff I bought you a while back.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

It’s pretty mind blowing.  He’s a clever boy inhe.  Yes he is

Harsh!

RnR!

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Bare Bones – issue 3


“LAST NIGHT’S TAXI DRIVER, TOMORROW’S LOVER”

Coming to you from the cleverest, most handsomest, most loveliest and most bestest scribbler in all of the land (that’s my buddy Harry Malt for those of you too bloody stupid to not know already) is the imminent release of Bare Bones issue 3.

Now I’ve told you about this loads before but it’s getting better and better and bigger and bigger.  They’ll again be knocking out 90 A5 prints from the 30 featured artists, all for the meagre sum of twenty squids…….I’ll be looking to replace the two that bird of mine seems to have lost since the issue 2 run.

To launch they’ll again be exhibiting at the Nue Gallery near Brick Lane from 1st April and running until….I don’t know…..a bit after that…..a couple of weeks….a month….fuck knows.  It’s really worth getting yourselves along at some point though.

The paper will be available to download sometime after the 1st.  Probably when Malt recovers from the his inevitable fools hangover.  Should anyone out of London (or the local lazy’s) want a physical copy, I’ll grab you one and send it on….fuck it….I’ll even pick up the postage.  Nice guy I am.

You can download Bare Bones issue 2 here – after felching and Gerbilling vids, it’s probably the best thing you could get from the interweb…..and it won’t get you in trouble with the missus…unless she loves Maggie Thatcher and deplores banana mutilation….in which case you should probably fuck her off anyway.  Silly cow.

Perhaps I’ll see you there.  Perhaps I’ll talk to you…..but probably not.

Now piss off.

RnR.

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Jewel Muff Party Time


I have a friend called Lewis.  Me and his Mum call him Lewy Pooey.  Lewy Pooey loves being called Lewy Pooey.  He always says to me “call me Lewy Pooey”.  So I do.

I like Lewy Pooey for lots and lots of reasons.  I like him because he wears vests, but not under things to keep him warm, he wears them like normal people wear t-shirts.  I think this is great.  Even when it snows Lewy Pooey will wear just a vest.  I think he is really strong and tough.

Lewy Pooey has a harmonica necklace.  I think this is really cool and groovy and it’s great because he lets me blow it and everyone goes “wow” and it makes me feel special.

He has a hat that people say he wears because he is getting a bit thin on top, but I think he wears it because it makes him look ultra fab.

But my very best favourite thing about Lewy poey is that he has a tooth that he can take out of his face whenever he wants.  I would love to have a tooth I could take out of my face whenever I want. Sometimes Lewy pooey will do it to girls and they will get shocked and say “I am shocked”.  We laugh at them.  ALOT!  Stupid cows.

We’re having a party soon.  It’s not our birthdays or anything, we just LOVE being the centre of attention.  We are having a Jewel and Ear Muff Party because it’s National Jewel Day and National Ear Muff Day.  Lewy Pooey said that the bloody Yanks have all sorts of crap like that.  I don’t know what that means but yank sounds like that rude thing that makes you go blind.  And he said crap, so I laughed alot!  Ha ha.

My very good friend Harold made us a flyer for our party.  The Queen looks really really funny because her hat is on all wonky and her coat is well bright.  I hurts my eyes when I look at it.  I don’t know the other man but he has a strange head.  He must be really old because he has lots of saggy skin on his face.  The Queen has lots and lots of money that she works really hard for because she is the Queen, I think that she should pay for the saggy skin face man to have some plastic surgery to make his face not so ugly.

Non-elected spongers not welcome

I’m pleased that Harold made us our flyer yesterday because he was very unwell last night.  Matt the Cat found Harold standing in a puddle of red vomit in his socks.  Matt the Cat said he looked like a sad puppy.  I hope that Harold is ok and that he doesn’t look at anything like the saggy face mans face, he’ll definitely be sick again! Yuck!

I am looking forward to our party.  We are getting a big scary man to come and make sure that nobody has any arguments.  He will be my big scary man for the day, and because it will also be my party, if somebody is horrible to me I will get the big scary man to bonk them on the head and throw them in the bin.

I wish I could have a big scary man with me all the time.  There alot of people I would make him bonk over the head and throw in the bin.  I would set him on that man called Dave who rides a bike and doesn’t wear a tie and tells everyone that he is the best man that anyone has ever seen and he will make everything ok again.  I think he’s a prat.

I would do a moony on his face when he was in the bin and say.  Ha ha Dave.  Sniff my arse Dave.  Your bike is broken Dave.  You’re going to have to walk home Dave.

You cunt.

Beware of me and my scary man!!!

RnR

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I had so much fun! It was one of the best days of my life!


The Science Museum is quite a long way from our house and we had to get the bus and a tube.  When we got on the bus I wanted to sit upstairs at the front.  I like it upstairs at the front because it feels like you’re driving.  You can also make funny faces at the driver through the mirror periscope on the window sill. We don’t sit at the front very often but it was treat day.  I LOVE TREAT DAYS!!!

When we got off the bus Grace said we should get a snack as it was quite a long way and we hadn’t had any breakfast.  I got some crisps and Grace got some cashew nuts.  Grace wanted to open hers right away but I said that she should wait until we were on the train because it would be nicer to eat them on the journey and that she would probably drop them on the floor.  Grace is really clumsy!

We got the green train.  The green one isn’t my favourite.  I like the blue one best because I’m a boy.  I don’t know what one is Grace’s favourite.  I think she would say the black one because it’s cool but I bet it’s pink.  All girls like pink.  Pink SUCKS!

We had to walk through a big tunnel to get to the museum.  I liked it in the tunnel because it was all echoey.  There was a strange man playing a guitar and he was playing something from a cowboy film.  I loved it because it made me feel like a cowboy.  I love cowboys! Peow Peow!

The first bit of the science museum is SPACE! Space it great.  I love space. It had rockets and it was all dark, I think they do that because space is dark and it makes it feel like space.  There were lots of buttons to press and we took it in turns to push them.  Grace said that this bit was the boys bit because of the rockets, but I could tell she liked pushing the buttons.  The man’s voice was deep and there were lots of bright colours when you pushed them.

There was a moon landing pod.  I made Grace stand in front of it and have her picture taken.  You can see that she doesn’t look very happy.  I was annoyed because it was great and also because I wanted my picture taken in front of it, but she never asked me if I wanted to.

WOW!

To make things worse she shouted at me when I went to touch the foil to see if it was like what we put our sandwiches in.  Grace ruined my space experinece a little bit, but when I saw the space suit it made me happy again.

Can I get one? Pleeeeeaaaaaase?

The next bit was full of old trains and planes and cars and lorries.  Grace was too busy looking at the sewing machines and the other boring stuff behind the glass to hear my old aeroplane noise, which is a shame because it’s really good.  Grace said this was the boys bit.   Grace did like the bubble car though.  My favourite bit was all the cars stacked up.  They went well high!

Pah.

Yeah! Stacked!

Oh my God!  The next bit was so amazing.  It was the aeroplane and helicopter bit.  I call helicopters “helichopters” because they go “chop chop chop chop chop chop chop……”.  Ha ha.  Grace loves it when I go: “chop chop chop chop chop chop chop……”.

There were all sorts of planes in there.  There was a chopped in half plane, there was a bit of jumbo jet, there was fighter planes, there was even a really old one that was made of wood, they said it could fly but I don’t believe it.  I know why people in olden times didn’t fly to America.   Even if it could fly , which I definitely don’t think it could.  It didn’t even have a tele in the seat!  It would be well boring.  I went to Greece once and all they had to watch was Mr Bean.  I think I would rather watch nothing than Mr Bean.

I made Grace take my picture next to the white one and under the yellow one.  They weren’t the best ones but Grace said this was the boys bit and she seemed to be in a bit of a rush.  I could’ve stayed in here all day!

A yellow one and a white one

Chop chop chop chop chop....ha ha!

The best bit though was the launch pad where there’s games and stuff.  Luckily all the school kids had fucked off by the time we got there so we could mess about for ages.  Some of the games were so brilliant!  Grace said that they make them fun so that children like to learn about science.  That must be why they fill the place with aeroplanes and other wicked stuff, although I’m not sure why they call it the Science Museum if they’re just going to fill it with cool stuff!?

My favourite one was the big pool of water with dry ice in it.  They bounce around and into each other and leave a trail like what a plane would.  I saw two bits crash and even managed to take a photo.  I think this might be my best picture.  Ever!

Whoosh!

There were these plastic things that when you sat at each end they made the other person look the games master.  Grace didn’t like it because she said it made her look like she has a big head.  I thought it was funny because she has a big head anyway.  It looked like it normally does.  I didn’t say anything though because she’s a girl a girls always cry.

Patrick Stewart

When we left, I said to Grace that today had been one of the best days of my life.  Then we went to the pub and got twatted.

Geeky!

RnR!

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Richard Hawley makes grown men cry. Over and over.


Before I moved to London my route to work involved an hour on a too hot/too cold train.  For the most part it was a massive pain in the arse.  Early mornings spent avoiding the gaze of people on the platform you knew, but certainly didn’t have an hours worth of conversation for.

They’d see you.   You’d see them.  Neither of you wanted to talk to each other, but what do you do?  Just once I would’ve loved to have said:  “look, I tried to avoid your gaze, I could see you were trying to avoid mine, unfortunately we both looked up at the same time and caught each others eye.  To be honest, it’s early, and I really can’t be bothered to make the effort to talk to you.  Nothing against you, I think you’re alright when we’re in a group of people, but to be frank, a one on one is just going to be a bit awkward.  I’d rather just sit, read my book and listen to some tunes.  Either we sit together and have a comfortable silence or, and this is my preference, I can walk up the other end of the platform and we can just pretend we didn’t see each other?

Monday and Tuesday you can discuss the weekend just gone.  Thursday and Friday you can discuss the approaching weekend.  Catch them on a Wednesday and you’re really fucked.  It’s an hour of hairdresser conversations about weather and holidays.

This was back in my pre-Ipod days, so I used to grab a few CD’s for the old discman on my way out the door in the morning.  Settle in next to the window and listen to an album in it’s entirety.  Imagine that!  A whole album!

Very occasionally you’d have a day when your mood would be 100% in tune with what CD you had grabbed.  And rather than your journey be a chore, it was actually rather enjoyable.  One such day that sticks in my mind is the day I first listened to Richard Hawley.

We went to see him on Saturday.  My first time at The Royal Festival Hall.  The place is truly amazing.  No more perfect setting for someone such as Hawley.

I’m tempted to wax lyrical.  About his voice, about his amazing band, about his lyrics, and about how on a clear bright cold winters morning on a train from Essex, and again on Saturday, the fucker almost made me (a double hard bastard) ball my eyes out about a dozen times.

Please listen to this tune. Please check him out if you don’t know him.  I promise you it’ll be worth it.

Beautiful!

RnR!

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