So what, I’m not a big fan of summer. Granted it has it’s plus points, tarts in tight stuff ‘n’ that, but I’d take winter over it every time. Well, I say winter, I prefer spring and autumn really but no-one ever asks that question do they? Would you rather be too hot or too cold? What!? Too hot or too cold? Neither. Can I not just hang about in May?
Don’t get me wrong, sun on your holidays is alright, I don’t mind that, in-fact I would even go so far as to say I’ve occasionally enjoyed myself. When it’s hot and your only worry is whether you go to the beach or the pool, I can live with that.
It being hot when you have to go to work and actually do stuff, nah, that’s shit that is. Let’s all go to the park and have a few beers? Yeah brilliant, can you make sure that we’re 25 miles from a toilet so I can only enjoy the first 45 minutes of it? Nice one. Give me a sec though, I need to get 57 Puritin down my neck and put some factor million on (I’m pasty as fuck by the way) first.
Summer gets people’s hopes up as well. You’re annoyed that the forecast for the bbq summer has turned out to be bollocks? There’s a shock. Don’t moan. Be a pessimist like me. I have no expectations. Sounds shit? Well I live a life with virtually no disappointment. In yo face muvva humpers! Yeah you’ll end up a bit of a miserable fucker, but who cares? I thought last summer was glorious when everyone else deemed it shite. If you wake up each morning hoping it’s a bit grey and mild then it’ll seem like you’re living in a tropical paradise when it’s 19 degrees.
People always talk about the good parts of summer. I’m a bit different. I think about the bad stuff. As a general rule I like things that aren’t as bad as something else.
Before this year, summer was just more shit than winter, that was until people went and ruined the equilibrium. I hadn’t previously factored in human influence (hot girls in tight tops are nice but they’re a positive thing, you have to think about the not hot girls in tight tops). This year though a few winter things dawned on me.
- Girls really can’t seem to pick their bloody feet up when they walk in anything that vaguely resembles a winter shoe. Don’t even get me started on FUggs. I’ve even seen men wearing those pieces of shit this year. This blog has 20+ comments on how good Ben Affleck looks in the fuckers. There’s always a queue outside the shop. I might see if I can get some lonely disillusioned teenagers along to an Ugg fundamentalist camp and send them off on a suicide mission to Covent Garden.
- Sniffing. You’re not 12. Blow your nose you fucking cretin. Your mates aren’t going to take the piss out of you for having some tissues in your pocket. I just find myself sitting on public transport waiting for the next *sniiiiiiiiffffff* and getting increasingly angry. I’m going to end up like Michael Douglas in Falling Down, being pursued around London leaving a trail of dead snotty scumbags.
- My brain is going to implode if I hear one more “so much for global warming” comment. I started by explaining the rationale, quickly moved on to shouting the rationale and I’ve ended up just muttering “cunt” as I push scissors further and further into my ear.
So. There it is. By being such annoying little shits you’ve managed to convince me that 3 months of unbearable hay-fever, Oakley sunglasses and men in vests are actually not too bad.