Tag Archives: Art


What an arsehole

So what, I’m not a big fan of summer.  Granted it has it’s plus points, tarts in tight stuff ‘n’ that, but I’d take winter over it every time.  Well, I say winter, I prefer spring and autumn really but no-one ever asks that question do they?  Would you rather be too hot or too cold?  What!?  Too hot or too cold?  Neither.  Can I not just hang about in May?

Don’t get me wrong, sun on your holidays is alright, I don’t mind that, in-fact I would even go so far as to say I’ve occasionally enjoyed myself.  When it’s hot and your only worry is whether you go to the beach or the pool, I can live with that.

It being hot when you have to go to work and actually do stuff, nah, that’s shit that is.   Let’s all go to the park and have a few beers?  Yeah brilliant, can you make sure that we’re 25 miles from a toilet so I can only enjoy the first 45 minutes of it?  Nice one.  Give me a sec though, I need to get  57 Puritin down my neck and put some factor million on (I’m pasty as fuck by the way) first.

Summer gets people’s hopes up as well.  You’re annoyed that the forecast for the bbq summer has turned out to be bollocks?  There’s a shock.  Don’t moan.  Be a pessimist like me.  I have no expectations.  Sounds shit?  Well I live a life with virtually no disappointment.  In yo face muvva humpers!   Yeah you’ll end up a bit of a miserable fucker, but who cares?  I thought last summer was glorious when everyone else deemed it shite.  If you wake up each morning hoping it’s a bit grey and mild then it’ll seem like you’re living in a tropical paradise when it’s 19 degrees.

People always talk about the good parts of summer.  I’m a bit different.  I think about the bad stuff.  As a general rule I like things that aren’t as bad as something else.

Before this year, summer was just more shit than winter, that was until people went and ruined the equilibrium.  I hadn’t previously factored in human influence (hot girls in tight tops are nice but they’re a positive thing, you have to think about the not hot girls in tight tops).  This year though a few winter things dawned on me.

  • Girls really can’t seem to pick their bloody feet up when they walk in anything that vaguely resembles a winter shoe.  Don’t even get me started on FUggs.  I’ve even seen men wearing those pieces of shit this year.  This blog has 20+ comments on how good Ben Affleck looks in the fuckers.  There’s always a queue outside the shop.  I might see if I can get some lonely disillusioned teenagers along to an Ugg fundamentalist camp and send them off on a suicide mission to Covent Garden.
  • Sniffing.   You’re not 12.  Blow your nose you fucking cretin.  Your mates aren’t going to take the piss out of you for having some tissues in your pocket.  I just find myself sitting on public transport waiting for the next *sniiiiiiiiffffff* and getting increasingly angry.   I’m going to end up like  Michael Douglas in Falling Down, being pursued around London leaving a trail of dead snotty scumbags.
  • My brain is going to implode if I hear one more “so much for global warming” comment.  I started by explaining the rationale, quickly moved on to shouting the rationale and I’ve ended up just muttering “cunt” as I push scissors further and further into my ear.

So.  There it is.  By being such annoying little shits you’ve managed to convince me that 3 months of unbearable hay-fever, Oakley sunglasses and men in vests are actually not too bad.

People power!!




Filed under Funny, Piss take

As a general rule of thumb, band DJ sets suck dick.

I was planning to fill you in on New Year.  I can’t be arsed.  I’m so bored of talking about it.  It was alright.

We made a last minute decision to go to 93 Feet East.  I always give the place the benefit of the doubt as I’ve had some great times in there over the years, but it’s not been great for quite a while now.

Since the Spitalfields regeneration and the  gradual movement of the high street into the area, the bars have inevitably taken a massive nose dive.  They give it a good crack bless ’em with the nights they put on, but unfortunately shops and restaurants set the tone for an area and there’s no getting away from the fact that around Brick Lane it’s fast becoming just another boring high street.

People who think All Saints is  an anywhere near a credible brand, and eating in Giraffe isn’t just something you do if you can’t be bothered to walk anywhere else, well, they’re not the sort of folk who are going to be creating a good vibe for your evenings entertainment are they?  How many interesting people do you know who have ram skulls on their jumpers?……the answer to that is none…..if you think you do then I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re wrong.  Nice, friendly and a laugh they may be, but interesting they ain’t.  Superficial?  You bet.

Anyway.  That’s not what I want to talk about.  I might do something in more depth on Brick Lane soon, what with the East London line extension on it’s way, there’s going to be alot of social issues surrounding the area in the coming years.  There’s going to be some interesting debates to be had.  I say debates.  I mean me telling you what’s right.

Right then.  NYE.  We had Wild Beasts and Doves DJ sets.  Now, I’m a big fan of Wild Beasts.  Their album Two Dancers would be in my top 3 of 2009 and Doves, everyone likes them right?  But what’s the deal with bands doing DJ sets now days? It’s got massively out of hand over the past few years.

I’ve got nothing against it if they’re good, but I reckon a good 80% of them really haven’t got a fucking clue.  I’m not suggesting they don’t know anything about music, most of them are fairly successful musicians and you don’t get that unless you’ve got some vague musical ability.  But there’s alot more to DJ’ing than just playing tunes you like, which is essentially what this lot are doing.

I’m not after technical turntable ability, I couldn’t really care less if you can seamlessly mix a couple of tunes, but the lack of any sort of coherence between one track and the next is just fucking annoying.  Don’t build me up with Dirty Projectors one minute and slap me onto the floor with Beyonce the next (I like Beyonce by the way, just not next to experimental Rock).   It’s even more annoying to think that they probably get paid a shit load more than someone who’s a million times better but who doesn’t have a ticket selling name.

Worse than band DJ sets, are sets from little arseholes like Peaches fucking Geldoff.  Not only does she not have any musical ability, that “musician” Father of hers who made her famous didn’t even have any! I imagine her friends bands are pretty terrible, but if she was at least getting her grubby mitts on early releases and stuff like that you could maybe understand it, but you just know that she’s playing Cindy Lauper in some uber ironic way while trying to muster a smile out of that simpleton meat face of hers.

I’m done.

Oh and by the way, for any jokers out there.  I am aware that Doves were formerly Sub Sub (hits include Ain’t no love, ain’t no use) and they have quite a credible DJ history at The Hacienda.  I wouldn’t lump them in with the rest if they hadn’t played at least a half of the As Heard on Radio Soulwax album in one hit.


Make sure you listen to the Dirty Projectors tune.  It’s ace!


Filed under Funny, Music

Lumina – Faris Badwin side project

I’m really quite bright so luckily I’m very rarely wrong, on the odd occasion that I am, I’m certainly not going to hold my hands up.

Now technically when it comes to The Horrors I’m not wrong as such (hands firmly by sides).  I’ve made no secret of my dislike for them over the years.  Stuff for schoolkids to jump about to.  Bit style over substance.  All that back combing and tight trousers.  Not for me.  My arse is much too big.

I’m not sure then why I gave Primary Colours a listen, I think it probably has something to do with it being left in the CD player while I was cooking my tea and not having a choice.  But, just like my conception, it turned out to be a rather a happy accident.

Best album of 2009 for me and it should’ve had the Mercury.  Left me in a bit of a quandary though, people look to me to for answers on what they can and can’t listen to*.  This is going to cause some confusion amongst my congregation.  There’s a way out of this though I thought.  Just start every The Horrors/Primary Colours conversation with: “I thought they’re earlier stuff was quite poor but this…this is pretty fucking good!”  Sorted.

I’ve been a bit intrigued with old young Faris since then.  I’ve seen him at An Experiment on a Bird in the Airpump and Ipso Facto gigs in fairly recent times and they’re pretty decent.  Perhaps I’ve been missing a trick.  My mate told me Faris has started a side project with Cherish Kaya from Ipso Facto called Lumina.  So I thought I’d check it out.

Their first single is a cover of The Black Lips belting tune “I’ll be with you”, for which he’s also made his directorial debut.  VBS.tv captured the video making process in their new Vodafone 360 teamed project Heroes.  It’s a decent effort.  Obviously darker than one of your Xmas shits but you wouldn’t expect anything else really would you.

The inspiration for the video apparently came from a “painting his friend photographed in San Fransisco”.   Now I can’t work out whether he thinks nobody has ever seen Lynch’s Tina and that he’s uncovered some new surreal kitsch artist, or that people who watch VBS.tv would be far too uncultured to know about one of the most famous and biggest selling prints of all time.  Mind you after seeing The Horrors at The Forum the other week you do forget that the average age of their fans is about 12 and if I remember rightly you only study Lynch and Tretchikoff in the 3rd year.

It’s a bit of a shame.  It’s a good tune.  It’s a good cover.  It’s even a pretty decent video.  I just can’t help looking back at that earlier style over substance comment and think that he’s maybe shoe horning Lynch into a video just because the 60’s kitsch thing is back.  Well.  It was.  I think it might’ve gone again now.  It shouldn’t really matter anyway should it, whether it’s popular or not. It’s just you get the impression that it does to him.

Perhaps I should let it drop and be content with the fact that he’s making some decent music now.  And let’s be honest, when you’ve got a konk the size of that of Faris, well, you need a bit of styling.  Dontcha.


Oh and by the way The Horrors were ace at The Forum.  Even on the back of 2 hours kip and a mad hangover.


* Probably not true


Filed under Music

Folk Clothing – Even makes me look half decent

It’s been a bit of a quandary for me recently deciding whether or not to blog about the clothing line that’s had me looking like such a cool mother fucker for past couple of years.  You want to let people know about something you love, but on the other hand you don’t want any old twat stealing your vibe. 

Unfortunately the good folk at errrr Folk have gone and fucked it all up by doing too well.  The bastards.

I was pleased when I heard news of them extending the flagship store on Lambs Conduit St to two floors.  They were doing well, and rightly so, but now they’ve opened a 2nd store just off Brick Lane.  There’s no point trying to keep quiet about it now is there.  Every sap’s over there at the weekend now days.

With a simple but quirky design ethic and great attention to detail, they’re consistently knocking out must have pieces.  I can’t think of another label that has me wanting pretty much everything they produce. 

These are some of my highlights from the latest line, floating my boat in a big way they are:






You really should pop in and check it out.  Some of it isn’t the cheapest, but twisted classic design won’t be heading anywhere will it.  So un-like your mates who rape the high street you won’t look like a prick when you’re checking out photos from more than 3 months ago.  The staff are a friendly bunch as well, be warned you might end up in there for a while having a chat.  If they like you they might even knock a few bob off.  Can’t say fairer than that can ya.




Filed under Uncategorized

Bad Ass illustrating – Bare Bones: Issue 2

Right.  Let’s get busy.  I’ve got some mad catch-up to do.  Been taking quite a bit of time off work lately.  Trying to use up holiday before the end of the year.  I’m definitely missing a trick.  Next year I’ll be taking my quota by May and chucking in sickies every other Monday and Friday for the rest of the year.  Some of the people I work with must live in fucking dungeons judging on how many “colds” they get.  Suppose I should feel sorry for them not having luxuries like central heating, hot water and fruit.  I’m half expecting to see an appeal e-mail asking for a fiver a month when I come into work now days.

If you could spare just £5 a month you could save my ears from listening to people constantly complain about how busy they are…….actually I think I might get the appeal going.  Could get the sickly fuckers some multi-vitamins for a start.

I’m a bit of a dour bastard today.  I think I’m just a bit annoyed about missing the Xmas party to be fair.  I think I’m more annoyed at the fact that there appears to be zero gossip.  No fingering in the toilets, nuffin.  There should always be someone dreading coming to work the day after.  It’s a rule that should never be broken.  I remember I was the talk of my first ever office party when I was 17.  Took until February for the gossip to stop.  Dishing a bit of stick out to a slapper at work is probably my favourite bit of Xmas and I don’t even get to do that this year.  Fuck it.  I might just make something up.  They’ll wish they stood on a table and got their tits out.  That’ll learn ’em.


First up there was the Bare Bones 2nd issue exhibition.  Managed to worm our way in after about an hour of hiding from the crowds in the Owl and Pussycat.  Worth the wait it has to be said.  Good it was.  Had some of the housemates find their favourite page.  Gilbey had 3 favourite pages…..although I suspect he just likes a bit of a pose.




Javvy rocked up looking like Del Boy and started taking pictures of people’s eyes for some reason.  Someone suggested he was trying to rip off Rankin.  Whoever said that must’ve been pretty stupid.  The only Rankin he knows is the wafty garage MC from the nineties.  They came out alright though.  More to do with the fancy camera than any idea of photography or art.



 In a new move the featured artists are producing limited runs of original A5 pieces for twenty quid a pop.  Some really good bits there.  Having turned up quite late I did miss out on a few that I would’ve definitely gone for.  Namely this one by my old mate Harry Malt.  Those of you who check in regularly would know that the inspiration behind this was our night in watching that crap Channel 4 3-D stuff.  I should surely be entitled to a percentage of the sale.  That’s the way it works right?


 I did pick up these two rather lovely bits though.  You can’t go wrong with a bit of Johnny Cash can ya.  Just have to get my arse in gear and get them framed now.


 There’s also some larger works going for (I think) £120.  Again, there’s some really decent stuff.  Bit of an investment as well.  I can’t imagine you’ll lose any money on them.  Any of the stuff would make someone a nice Xmas present.  Get yourselves along and check it out for yourselves.  Or have a look at the gallery web-site and see if anything takes your fancy on there.  Either way.  CHECK.IT.

I think I’ll have to call it quits for now.  This seems to have turned into a quite monstrous post.

Just one last thing.  The night coincided with Frieda’s birthday so we were all back to ours for a bit of a dance around the kitchen after.  The wife proper stacked it on the way home.  Probably the funniest thing I’ve seen since….well….she last fell over.  She’s still complaining about the rather huge grazes on her knees.  Frieda stacked it in the kitchen but still managed to carry on and complete her now obligatory table top dancing.

All in all a good night/morning.  A few sorry looking people wandering the streets of Hackney……or having breakfast and lunch in Mare St Spoons.  Dirty bastards.

I’ve got a couple of spare copies of the 2nd issue at home.  If anyone wants one then send me a message.  I’ll even pick up the postage.  I’m a fucking great guy like that.

Over and out for now.




Filed under Art

Daisy Lowe makes me look at something other than her arse.

Vodpod videos no longer available.     

Sometimes when I see Daisy Lowe’s name appear up on my Twitter feeds I find it hard to justify why she’s there, other than simply to remind myself that she exists and hope there might be a picture involved.      

Completely and utterly gratuitous

I know about Black Cab Sessions.  They’ve put me on a few things over the past couple of years (check this as well it’s ace), although it’s been a while since I’ve checked in, but when Daisy tells me to check something out, I check it out*.      

I only know the name Holly Miranda because her band The Jealous Girlfriends won an iPod music comp at some point. That’s about where my knowledge ends. Pretty pathetic.      

Still. I’ll give them a proper look now. Better late than never hey.      

It’s a really beautiful cover. She’s got an incredible voice.      

Cheers Miss Lowe. All you need to do now is knock up some beautiful textiles like your Mum (I love her Mum) and you’re well on your way to my top 5.  You lucky cow.      

If anyone has a problem with me liking beautiful textiles then….well….nothing really…..fuck yourselves.      

That’s it.      


*Not entirely true


Filed under Uncategorized

Arcade and Bingo Bango Bongo!

I was going to write about our trip to Egypt but I’m so bloody bored talking about it I just can’t face it.  It’s nice that people are pretend to be interested in whether you had a good time or not, but it does get on your tits a bit going over the same stuff again and again.  The next holiday I have I’m going to invite everyone round my house for an hour-long presentation.  Let’s see how fucking interested they are after that.  You’re about as interested in my holiday as I am in yours.  Just leave it.
 In fairness there’s not really much to say about Sharm El Sheikh to be honest.  I’ve been getting a bit of stick as it’s sounded like I’ve done nothing but moan.  29 degrees everyday.  We had a laugh.  We chilled out, the girlfriend didn’t get poked by the horny faux masseuse hotel manager, we didn’t get the shits and it was Wesley Snipes weekend on Fox.  You can’t grumble too much with stats like that can you….well…actually, I do have one gripe.  If you’re going to the effort of doing a Wesley Snipes weekend and you don’t play Demolition Man then you need your fucking head checking.  Still, got to see Blade so not an entire waste.  They played this film starring Snipes and Tamzin Outhwaite…..yeah you heard right.  Tamzin. Fucking. Outhwaite.  It was called 7 Seconds.  That’s about as long as I could watch it for, and I can watch any old shit.  No surprise in learning that it was straight to DVD.
Seeing Snipes always reminds me of a story about this guy who was on my Brother-in-laws stag do.  I don’t know the full story but he ended up getting Wesley in a headlock in Prague, I think Bruce Willis was there as well.  Imagine that.  Having Snipes in a headlock, that’d be ace.  He knows a few moves but there’s only one way to get out of a headlock.  You have to go for the nuts.  Bit degrading a Hollywood star going for an Essex boys nuts though innit.  If someone knows the whole story can you fill in the blanks.  Tar.
Anyway.  Enough informative travel advice. I’m a bit pushed for time this week what with having been away an’ all.  I’ve also got to write a piece of fiction to help some guy with his MA.  I’ve got a few ideas about what to write.  Pretty much all of them involve a Geordie girl getting fingered in Church.  It sounds a bit risqué but that’s the equivalent of “you may kiss the bride” up there.  Dirty bastards.  I reckon matey’s defintely going to pass.
I came back to news that the Arcade and Bingo boys have actually started putting things up on their blog.  They’ve only had it about 12 years so I was quite surprised to see content up so quick.   I know one half of them…I don’t know if it’s Arcade or Bingo.  I imagine it’s probably Arcade.  He looks the sort who would pump all of his money into those dance machines.  I’ve seen him cut the rug and it’s pretty slick.
You should keep an eye on their page to be honest.  Although he looks about 12 his musical knowledge surpasses his boyish looks height and you should never be one to turn down free music.  Especially stuff that’s been mixed.  That’s what all the cool kids do now days apparetly.
I think that’s it about it for now to be honest.  I’m off to the Bare Bones 2nd issue exhibition on Thursday so I’ll report back on that.  I had a sneak preview of the content the other day and it was looking pretty fly.  It’s a chance to spend some more time with Harry as well, and as you know that is like one of my favourite things in this world.
Sorry for the lack of visual stimulation.  I went with the James Pants tune as a header, one of his remixes features on the Arcade and Bingo mix and this is one of my fav remixes of one of his tunes.
That’s it for now.  Must crack on with the fingering.


Filed under Funny, Music, Piss take, Uncategorized