Tag Archives: Bangkok

We went to Thailand so what? – Part 2

Right then.  Where were we?  Sorry it’s taken longer than I thought, but it took longer than I thought.


We stayed in a bungalow.  In Thailand lots of people live in Bungalow’s, not just lazy old fuckers like here.  One evening, feet up, beer in hand I was watching the sunset.  Illuminated by the magnificent blood red  falling sun, a dog squatted, looked me square in the eye and had a massive shit.  A shitting dog’s a bit like a car crash.  I think he’d been eating chicken on stick.

A sunset even a shitting dog can't spoil

We’d heard that the Old Town was pretty but it was quite far away,  so we decided to get a scooter out for a couple of days  and really explore the island.  God I had so much FUN on the scooter.  It was orange and I felt like a right playboy with the tart on the back.

Had to put about 78 Baht in petrol in it on the 1st day.  That’s about £1.60 – £1.70.  Second day I only had to put about 60p’s worth in.  You have to give it back with the same amount of petrol as you started with you see, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have bothered to be honest.  The people at the petrol station fill it up for you as well so it wasn’t really a big deal.


Unfortunately our few glorious days relaxing in Koh Lanta had come to end and we made our way by boat to Krabi.

It was pretty grey when we got there, I said to the bit of fluff that it felt like it needed to rain.   We had a bit of rain early/mid afternoon and I thought it might brighten up a bit after that, but it didn’t.  It got greyer if anything.  In the evening it absolutely tipped it down.  Although it only lasted about half hour, and dried up pretty quick.

We left for the airport pretty early.  I thought we’d be able to grab a bit of breakfast after we’d checked in, but they didn’t really have anything.  It’s a really small airport.  Ended up just getting a coffee, biscuits and some Haribo’s.  The bird stuck mostly with Haribo’s, like she normally does.  I had a couple but they made my mouth taste a bit funny after the coffee, so I went back on the biscuits.

The flight was alright.  We got a sandwich and cup of tea.  They ALWAYS cut the crusts off sandwiches in Thailand.  It’s a bit strange, but it does explain why none of them have curly hair.  They must cut the crusts of in China as well cos them lot have all got dead straight hair as well.  “What do they do with the crusts?” I asked. “What do they do with all the crusts?”.  “What do they do with all the crusts?”.  She wasn’t listening.

Got me thinking that perhaps they send them all over to Africa, which would make sense as African’s all love the crust.  They think it forms an essential part of the sandwich.

“I think they send them over to Africa.”.  “I think they send them over……..”

Back in BANGKOK:

We thought we’d stay somewhere a bit fancy as it was the last leg of our trip……and faaancy it was.  Instead of having a wall to divide the bedroom from the bathroom, they had glass. Now I know what your thinking.  What if you’re having a whoopsie?  They’re not STUPID. They had a frosted strip across the centre.   If you were having a whoopsie you’d only be able to see feet……and a fuzzy(ish) outline of the rest.  Same in the shower.  Here is my artist impression.  It is 100% accurate.  ALL of it.

Fancy innit!?  I decided to stick with the shit roll while we were here.  It was difficult enough trying to use the bum hose behind closed doors, let alone when your girlfriend is pretending to watch TV 2 feet away through glass.  You can’t really get away with saying you were just having a piss when someone can see you sitting there for 10 minutes with your trousers round your ankles.

I’m a bit of a fucking culture vulture so we went off to see the Grand Palace.  The best thing about the Grand Palace are the thousands of people.  I also enjoyed the opportunity to get a sweaty ringer wearing a pair of jeans in the midday heat.  The buildings and that are alright.  They make a big fuss about an Emerald Buddha so I said to the bird; “we’ve gotta fucking see that!”.

Not even made of Emerald.  Jade it is.  Bollocks it was.


Oh you can’t go in that one.


Doors are locked on this one.




They’ve got a MASSIVE gold laying down Buddha.  I say gold.  You could see where they’d repaired it with plaster board tape, so it’s essentially a sculpted bit of dry wall that’s had a lick of fancy paint. That was alright.  It had massive feet.  Not sure why it’s laying down though.  Apparently it’s because he’s entering the final stage of Nirvana.  He wouldn’t have a massive grin on his face if he knew that Kurt Cobain had blown his head off.



Our Thailand adventure was coming to a close.  What better way to bring an amazing trip to end than by looking out over the Capital City of this fantastic country.  The views were spectacular, we drank cocktails and spoke of what had been our favourite parts of two of the best weeks of our lives.  I had to admit that being there, on that roof, with 3G reception for the 1st time in weeks was absolutely incredible.

The view from the 62nd floor roof top bar. Incredible.


That was that.  We returned home.  The flight back was belting.  We got to watch all of the SAME films as on the way out!

The tart said that this was her favourite picture from our entire trip.  Look at his little face.  Awwwwwwww.

Now fuck off.





Filed under Comedy, Global Issues, Travel

We went to Thailand, so what? – Part 1

Done in two parts, this is everything you need to know about my holiday. If there’s something within these posts that you genuinely want to ask me about, then I’ll consider elaborating, but essentially this is it.  No need to ask me if I had a good time.

Here we go then, let’s get this out of the way.

Gemdog gave us a heads up of a nice little place to stay in Bangkok that had a pool on the roof.  The room had a 12 inch old style TV (NOT FLAT SCREEN) that was mounted in the top left corner of the room.  It had a few channels, most of which were FOREIGN.  We ended up having to watch the news most of time, which was alright actually as there were a load of other FOREIGNERS chucking stuff at the police n that and it looked a bit like a film.  It was in Choonizia.  They looked really angry and I thought “my God!, don’t tell me they’ve raised tuition fees there as well!?”.  Turns out that they were just unhappy with borin shit like corruption and human rights abuses, they didn’t even seem to have bothered making amusing placards.  Lazy.

In Thailand they have shit roll but you MUST NOT put the shit roll down the toilet.  You have to wipe your bum and put the shit roll in the bin.  As well as shit roll they have a bum-hose.  The bum hose is the more traditional way to wipe your bum.  It blasts the skids from your anus with a jet of water.  The bum hose in Bangkok was of medium ferocity.  I mostly got the back of my balls on my1st attempt.  I sat there for a bit waiting for them to dry but I got bored so just went out with soggy balls.

We didn’t use the pool.

After a couple of days we flew down to Phuket.  I could wax lyrical about Phuket.  The sights and sounds of Patong, the beach, the views……but one thing stands out….the cocktails.


You'd pay what? £8 maybe £9 for this in London.....£1.40.

We got a boat from Phuket down to Phi-Phi.  I quite like boats.  This boat was ok but not the best boat I’ve ever been on.  The best boat I’ve ever been on was the Folkstone to Calais Sea Cat when me and Dad went over to Eastenders to get a load of Old Holborn to knock out to his mates at work.

I thought the trip might be a bit boring but I couldn’t have been more wrong!  First they played an Eric Clapton concert and then Mr Bean.  When they cut Mr Bean mid-episode (does anyone know how he actually gets on at the dentist!!!??) I was pretty pissed off, but we were arriving at Phi-Phi.

Friends had tried to tell me just how beautiful the island is, but nothing could prepare me.  Words, or at least my words, simply cannot do it justice.  Fortunately we had the digital SLR at hand for such moments.  As I took this shot I thought our memory card might just fucking BLOW UP there was so much to take in.

Hard to believe that this was one of the hardest hit places by the Tsunami.

The place we had planned to stay was fully booked so we just winged it when we were there.  We ended up in a room with an 18 inch LCD TV with some pretty decent channels.  There was an alright film channel and we watched one where a young cheerleader is regularly raped by her Dad and another one where these kids have their throats ripped out by rabid dogs.  It was very sunny.

I thought I had cracked how to properly operate the bum hose, but the one on Phi-Phi was much more ferocious than previous ones. It was so strong that it blasted my willy out of the way and I sprayed the wall.

The toliet itself didn’t have a flush, but they did supply a bucket which you had to fill up with water from the bumhose and pour down the bog.  Luckily for me I got food poisoning from some chicken on a stick while we were here.  I quite enjoyed having to stare at my puke while I filled up the bum hose flush bucket.  I poured too much water down one time and it was touch and go whether the chicken on stick puke and the bum hose flush water would breach the top of the bowl.  It didn’t.

The sun-sets on Phi-Phi are unlike anything I’ve experienced before.  The light dances across the water, accentuainting the piercing white spray from the wake of the elaboratrly adorned long tails.  Transforming the lush green limestone hill-sides into dark arms that appear to embrace you, seeming ly offering protection from the almost supernatural ocean.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Little known fact: Phi-Phi is backward cap wearing fuck stick capital of the world.

I’ll leave it there for now, I’m aware that it’s alot to take in.

Part 2 to follow tomorrow….maybe.


Filed under Travel