Tag Archives: Bare Bones

Bestival – The alpaca the pig and the lazy donkey

Alpaca’s are my 3rd favourite animals behind elephants and sloths, so imagine my excitement when we went for a walk and stumbled across a pets corner with a few of the cheeky little rascals kicking about.

Look at this one.  Chilling out with the horse.  Having a bit of lunch.  Enjoying the view.  Ain’t he cute!?  Awwwww.

I’m not such a big fan of horses, but this one was nice.  He wandered over and a gave him a little rub on his hooter.  I didn’t have any sugar lumps to feed him so I just picked up some grass.  That’s probably better for him anyway, I don’t really understand why you would give a horse sugar?  I remembered to keep my palm flat.  You must ALWAYS keep your palm FLAT when you’re feeding a horse otherwise it will definitely eat your fingers.

A guy I used to work with used to say that he fed a girls horse when he stimulated their female lady lips.   He used to go “Yeah I fed ‘er horse up last night, it was well ‘ungry” and show me with a gesture as if feeding a hungry horse.

Then we come across this pair.  I’m not quite sure what had happened, but the Alpaca seemed to have had some sort of accident and couldn’t use his legs properly.  From the way he was whining and screeching I think it must’ve been pretty bad.  He could barely walk!

He and the pig must’ve been really good friends as pig was trying to give him a piggy back.  The Alpaca was much bigger than the poor little pig though and she looked to be in some discomfort herself as she tried to carry him.

There were other Alpaca’s there but none of them came to help the pig carry him.  Even the donkey who would’ve been much more useful in aiding the stricken Alpaca didn’t come to help, and that’s kind of what a donkey’s job is.  To carry stuff n that.  It was very upsetting.

Lewy Pooey decided to film it.  I’m not sure why.  I think it was so that if the pig were to be seriously hurt he could show her owners what had happened and they could piece together the puzzle.

With much difficulty the pig managed to carry him all the way over to the edge of the field, but it all appeared to have taken it’s toll on the poor swine and she had to give up…..

I think her husband was due home from work.

When we were at Bestival we found a stall that sold lots of knitted stuff.

Lewy had been smoking these things he called “Bifta’s”.  I was a bit confused as I thought Bifta’s were those great big bins that you got tugged off behind when you’re at school.  Anyway.  These bifta things made him all smiley and happy and when he saw that some of the knitted stuff was made from Alpaca fluff he immediately bought one.  I think the proceeds must’ve gone into some sort of Alpaca benevolent fund or sumfink.

That’s what I love about Lewy.  Even when he’s having fun with bifta’s and stuff he still thinks about that Alpaca and his poorly leg.





Filed under festival, Funny

The Creators Project – Battles – United Visual Artists

Where have you been I hear you cry!?

Well….the thing is…..sometimes I’m so busy being fucking brilliant in the real world that I forget about you lot……that and I’ve just recently discovered Mario Kart.  It’s been taking up an awful lot of my time it has.

Granted I might be about 10 years behind you geeky fucks that have to buy everything as soon as it comes out, but I’m absolutely all over this shit.  I’ve kind of mastered up to the Star Cup at 150cc and now I’m trying to use different characters other than Mario.

I’m finding it a bit difficult adjusting my style to fit the others attributes to be honest.   Peach is a bit too lightweight for my aggressive technique.  Bowser is very cumbersome.  Yoshi, Toad and Luigi look/sound like utter cock sticks…….and don’t even get me started on Donkey Kong.  I can’t bear that cunt.

I was going to attempt a video blog on it, but after filming myself playing, the only footage was essentially me repeatedly screaming: “SLAG“…..”SHIT“……”FUCK“……”ARSEHOLE“….and leaning so far out of shot to try and get round a corner that it was pretty much useless.  Vaguely amusing, but useless.

I decided to show you this instead.  Battles have been one of my favourites for a long time now.  Their gig at The Astoria was not only the best gig I went to in 2008, but one of my best full stop.

The combination of the music and the lighting is something else.  I’m never quite sure who knocks up the visuals for shows like theirs.  I assumed (rather stupidly) that the band themselves would pull it together.  Especially now with people having alot more technology at their disposal.  This landed in my in-box this afternoon and now all is clear.

United Visual Artists have worked on a number of things for Battles and Massive Attack, as well as art installations and shows for fashion houses such as Y3.

All of their stuff is pretty mind-blowing, but it’s the work with Battles really works for me.  To totally “get” what they are about and come up with something so perfect for the sound is no mean feat.  They do it fucking brilliantly.

This is one of my fav tunes and if you watch the video you’ll completely understand what I mean about the synergy between audio/visual.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I won’t leave it so long between posts this time.  I’m off to Dorset this weekend for Lewy Pooey’s birthday.  He’s a bit of a prat so he’ll probably give me plenty of fuel for all of our amusement.



more about “The Creators Project – Battles – Uni…“, posted with vodpod

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Bare Bones – issue 3


Coming to you from the cleverest, most handsomest, most loveliest and most bestest scribbler in all of the land (that’s my buddy Harry Malt for those of you too bloody stupid to not know already) is the imminent release of Bare Bones issue 3.

Now I’ve told you about this loads before but it’s getting better and better and bigger and bigger.  They’ll again be knocking out 90 A5 prints from the 30 featured artists, all for the meagre sum of twenty squids…….I’ll be looking to replace the two that bird of mine seems to have lost since the issue 2 run.

To launch they’ll again be exhibiting at the Nue Gallery near Brick Lane from 1st April and running until….I don’t know…..a bit after that…..a couple of weeks….a month….fuck knows.  It’s really worth getting yourselves along at some point though.

The paper will be available to download sometime after the 1st.  Probably when Malt recovers from the his inevitable fools hangover.  Should anyone out of London (or the local lazy’s) want a physical copy, I’ll grab you one and send it on….fuck it….I’ll even pick up the postage.  Nice guy I am.

You can download Bare Bones issue 2 here – after felching and Gerbilling vids, it’s probably the best thing you could get from the interweb…..and it won’t get you in trouble with the missus…unless she loves Maggie Thatcher and deplores banana mutilation….in which case you should probably fuck her off anyway.  Silly cow.

Perhaps I’ll see you there.  Perhaps I’ll talk to you…..but probably not.

Now piss off.


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Jewel Muff Party Time

I have a friend called Lewis.  Me and his Mum call him Lewy Pooey.  Lewy Pooey loves being called Lewy Pooey.  He always says to me “call me Lewy Pooey”.  So I do.

I like Lewy Pooey for lots and lots of reasons.  I like him because he wears vests, but not under things to keep him warm, he wears them like normal people wear t-shirts.  I think this is great.  Even when it snows Lewy Pooey will wear just a vest.  I think he is really strong and tough.

Lewy Pooey has a harmonica necklace.  I think this is really cool and groovy and it’s great because he lets me blow it and everyone goes “wow” and it makes me feel special.

He has a hat that people say he wears because he is getting a bit thin on top, but I think he wears it because it makes him look ultra fab.

But my very best favourite thing about Lewy poey is that he has a tooth that he can take out of his face whenever he wants.  I would love to have a tooth I could take out of my face whenever I want. Sometimes Lewy pooey will do it to girls and they will get shocked and say “I am shocked”.  We laugh at them.  ALOT!  Stupid cows.

We’re having a party soon.  It’s not our birthdays or anything, we just LOVE being the centre of attention.  We are having a Jewel and Ear Muff Party because it’s National Jewel Day and National Ear Muff Day.  Lewy Pooey said that the bloody Yanks have all sorts of crap like that.  I don’t know what that means but yank sounds like that rude thing that makes you go blind.  And he said crap, so I laughed alot!  Ha ha.

My very good friend Harold made us a flyer for our party.  The Queen looks really really funny because her hat is on all wonky and her coat is well bright.  I hurts my eyes when I look at it.  I don’t know the other man but he has a strange head.  He must be really old because he has lots of saggy skin on his face.  The Queen has lots and lots of money that she works really hard for because she is the Queen, I think that she should pay for the saggy skin face man to have some plastic surgery to make his face not so ugly.

Non-elected spongers not welcome

I’m pleased that Harold made us our flyer yesterday because he was very unwell last night.  Matt the Cat found Harold standing in a puddle of red vomit in his socks.  Matt the Cat said he looked like a sad puppy.  I hope that Harold is ok and that he doesn’t look at anything like the saggy face mans face, he’ll definitely be sick again! Yuck!

I am looking forward to our party.  We are getting a big scary man to come and make sure that nobody has any arguments.  He will be my big scary man for the day, and because it will also be my party, if somebody is horrible to me I will get the big scary man to bonk them on the head and throw them in the bin.

I wish I could have a big scary man with me all the time.  There alot of people I would make him bonk over the head and throw in the bin.  I would set him on that man called Dave who rides a bike and doesn’t wear a tie and tells everyone that he is the best man that anyone has ever seen and he will make everything ok again.  I think he’s a prat.

I would do a moony on his face when he was in the bin and say.  Ha ha Dave.  Sniff my arse Dave.  Your bike is broken Dave.  You’re going to have to walk home Dave.

You cunt.

Beware of me and my scary man!!!


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Bad Ass illustrating – Bare Bones: Issue 2

Right.  Let’s get busy.  I’ve got some mad catch-up to do.  Been taking quite a bit of time off work lately.  Trying to use up holiday before the end of the year.  I’m definitely missing a trick.  Next year I’ll be taking my quota by May and chucking in sickies every other Monday and Friday for the rest of the year.  Some of the people I work with must live in fucking dungeons judging on how many “colds” they get.  Suppose I should feel sorry for them not having luxuries like central heating, hot water and fruit.  I’m half expecting to see an appeal e-mail asking for a fiver a month when I come into work now days.

If you could spare just £5 a month you could save my ears from listening to people constantly complain about how busy they are…….actually I think I might get the appeal going.  Could get the sickly fuckers some multi-vitamins for a start.

I’m a bit of a dour bastard today.  I think I’m just a bit annoyed about missing the Xmas party to be fair.  I think I’m more annoyed at the fact that there appears to be zero gossip.  No fingering in the toilets, nuffin.  There should always be someone dreading coming to work the day after.  It’s a rule that should never be broken.  I remember I was the talk of my first ever office party when I was 17.  Took until February for the gossip to stop.  Dishing a bit of stick out to a slapper at work is probably my favourite bit of Xmas and I don’t even get to do that this year.  Fuck it.  I might just make something up.  They’ll wish they stood on a table and got their tits out.  That’ll learn ’em.


First up there was the Bare Bones 2nd issue exhibition.  Managed to worm our way in after about an hour of hiding from the crowds in the Owl and Pussycat.  Worth the wait it has to be said.  Good it was.  Had some of the housemates find their favourite page.  Gilbey had 3 favourite pages…..although I suspect he just likes a bit of a pose.




Javvy rocked up looking like Del Boy and started taking pictures of people’s eyes for some reason.  Someone suggested he was trying to rip off Rankin.  Whoever said that must’ve been pretty stupid.  The only Rankin he knows is the wafty garage MC from the nineties.  They came out alright though.  More to do with the fancy camera than any idea of photography or art.



 In a new move the featured artists are producing limited runs of original A5 pieces for twenty quid a pop.  Some really good bits there.  Having turned up quite late I did miss out on a few that I would’ve definitely gone for.  Namely this one by my old mate Harry Malt.  Those of you who check in regularly would know that the inspiration behind this was our night in watching that crap Channel 4 3-D stuff.  I should surely be entitled to a percentage of the sale.  That’s the way it works right?


 I did pick up these two rather lovely bits though.  You can’t go wrong with a bit of Johnny Cash can ya.  Just have to get my arse in gear and get them framed now.


 There’s also some larger works going for (I think) £120.  Again, there’s some really decent stuff.  Bit of an investment as well.  I can’t imagine you’ll lose any money on them.  Any of the stuff would make someone a nice Xmas present.  Get yourselves along and check it out for yourselves.  Or have a look at the gallery web-site and see if anything takes your fancy on there.  Either way.  CHECK.IT.

I think I’ll have to call it quits for now.  This seems to have turned into a quite monstrous post.

Just one last thing.  The night coincided with Frieda’s birthday so we were all back to ours for a bit of a dance around the kitchen after.  The wife proper stacked it on the way home.  Probably the funniest thing I’ve seen since….well….she last fell over.  She’s still complaining about the rather huge grazes on her knees.  Frieda stacked it in the kitchen but still managed to carry on and complete her now obligatory table top dancing.

All in all a good night/morning.  A few sorry looking people wandering the streets of Hackney……or having breakfast and lunch in Mare St Spoons.  Dirty bastards.

I’ve got a couple of spare copies of the 2nd issue at home.  If anyone wants one then send me a message.  I’ll even pick up the postage.  I’m a fucking great guy like that.

Over and out for now.




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Arcade and Bingo Bango Bongo!

I was going to write about our trip to Egypt but I’m so bloody bored talking about it I just can’t face it.  It’s nice that people are pretend to be interested in whether you had a good time or not, but it does get on your tits a bit going over the same stuff again and again.  The next holiday I have I’m going to invite everyone round my house for an hour-long presentation.  Let’s see how fucking interested they are after that.  You’re about as interested in my holiday as I am in yours.  Just leave it.
 In fairness there’s not really much to say about Sharm El Sheikh to be honest.  I’ve been getting a bit of stick as it’s sounded like I’ve done nothing but moan.  29 degrees everyday.  We had a laugh.  We chilled out, the girlfriend didn’t get poked by the horny faux masseuse hotel manager, we didn’t get the shits and it was Wesley Snipes weekend on Fox.  You can’t grumble too much with stats like that can you….well…actually, I do have one gripe.  If you’re going to the effort of doing a Wesley Snipes weekend and you don’t play Demolition Man then you need your fucking head checking.  Still, got to see Blade so not an entire waste.  They played this film starring Snipes and Tamzin Outhwaite…..yeah you heard right.  Tamzin. Fucking. Outhwaite.  It was called 7 Seconds.  That’s about as long as I could watch it for, and I can watch any old shit.  No surprise in learning that it was straight to DVD.
Seeing Snipes always reminds me of a story about this guy who was on my Brother-in-laws stag do.  I don’t know the full story but he ended up getting Wesley in a headlock in Prague, I think Bruce Willis was there as well.  Imagine that.  Having Snipes in a headlock, that’d be ace.  He knows a few moves but there’s only one way to get out of a headlock.  You have to go for the nuts.  Bit degrading a Hollywood star going for an Essex boys nuts though innit.  If someone knows the whole story can you fill in the blanks.  Tar.
Anyway.  Enough informative travel advice. I’m a bit pushed for time this week what with having been away an’ all.  I’ve also got to write a piece of fiction to help some guy with his MA.  I’ve got a few ideas about what to write.  Pretty much all of them involve a Geordie girl getting fingered in Church.  It sounds a bit risqué but that’s the equivalent of “you may kiss the bride” up there.  Dirty bastards.  I reckon matey’s defintely going to pass.
I came back to news that the Arcade and Bingo boys have actually started putting things up on their blog.  They’ve only had it about 12 years so I was quite surprised to see content up so quick.   I know one half of them…I don’t know if it’s Arcade or Bingo.  I imagine it’s probably Arcade.  He looks the sort who would pump all of his money into those dance machines.  I’ve seen him cut the rug and it’s pretty slick.
You should keep an eye on their page to be honest.  Although he looks about 12 his musical knowledge surpasses his boyish looks height and you should never be one to turn down free music.  Especially stuff that’s been mixed.  That’s what all the cool kids do now days apparetly.
I think that’s it about it for now to be honest.  I’m off to the Bare Bones 2nd issue exhibition on Thursday so I’ll report back on that.  I had a sneak preview of the content the other day and it was looking pretty fly.  It’s a chance to spend some more time with Harry as well, and as you know that is like one of my favourite things in this world.
Sorry for the lack of visual stimulation.  I went with the James Pants tune as a header, one of his remixes features on the Arcade and Bingo mix and this is one of my fav remixes of one of his tunes.
That’s it for now.  Must crack on with the fingering.


Filed under Funny, Music, Piss take, Uncategorized

Harry Malt and me

Vodpod videos no longer available. Lots of you have been asking about my relationship with Harry and how it has progressed since my last post.  The word “tenterhooks” has cropped up again and again.  I’m sorry.  It’s really lovely to know that you all care so much about me and my pursuit of friendship*


If you don’t know who Harry is then, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?

Where do I start?  So much has happened in the past few weeks.  So much exciting stuff.

Harry’s moved into our house now.  I got to see into his room.  I complemented the decoration.  He’s really made it feel like home.  Which is pretty special because I didn’t think he would be able to, but he has.  I think he this is really clever.

We were going to watch Bullitt on Sunday afternoon but I couldn’t find my copy.  It wasn’t in its case.  I’m really bad at putting things back in their proper place.  I thought Harry would be mad, but he wasn’t mad.  I should’ve known he wouldn’t be mad because Harry seems much too nice to ever get mad.  We watched The Italian Job instead and I told him a story I knew about Michael Caine.  Michael Caine is my favourite actor.  I think he liked it.  Sunday was a good day.

On Monday, a few of the housemates decided to watch the 3-D Channel 4 programmes.  Harry only has one eye.  He has two eyes but one isn’t a very good eye.  Harry can’t watch 3-D things because you need two good eyes.  I felt bad for Harry and tried to tell him that he wasn’ t missing anything because the Queen is shit and so was the 3-D.  Even though I love the Queen and some of the 3-D was really good especially the bit when the ball nearly hit me in my face!  I laughed when he said the Queen was a “German Ponce“.  I love the Queen.

Last night was the best night.  I got a text from Harry asking if I would like to go to the pictures to see the new Michael Caine film Harry Brown.  I was happy because this was the first invite I had had from Harry and because it has Michael Caine in it, as you know, Michael Caine is my favourite actor.  I couldn’t go because I was out with my girlfriend.  Fucking stupid girlfriend!!  He said he would give me a review.  I am still waiting for the review.  This is ok because it is only the day after the night of the pictures.

I also stumbled across this video.  Which is very good.  I didn’t know that Harry was such a big David Bowie fan.  I shall add this to the list of things I know about Harry.  I won’t mention it though.  I think it would make him sad.  It makes me angry that Mr Bowie could just be friends with Harry without having to make a list of things that Harry likes.  David Bowie is a dickhead.

Bye bye.

P.S. Harry let me borrow his drill.


* This may or may not be true.


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