Tag Archives: beauty

We went on a lovely trip ‚Äď Part 2

Right I’ll jump straight in.

Day 2 was Lewy’s actual birfdee, after the excitement of a very well prepared treasure hunt, we all sang happy birthday and cut the cake. Lewy got all embarrassed. He said he didn’t like being the centre of attention, which is utter bull-cum if you ask me. He spends most of his life with his guns out and wearing pink trainers.

For a guy in his mid 20’s he got a disproportionate amount of meerkat themed gifts. They’re his favourite animal you see. Personally I prefer elephants, sloths and alpaca’s, but then I’m a proper geezer.

Horse hounds Mummy done us proud yet again with a wonderful picnic, and we all headed off on another road trip.

This time our destination was a little place called Tyneham. The village had to be evacuated “temporarily” in 1943 so that the surrounding 7,500 acres of land could be used for military testing during WWII. The village still remains; although as the area continues to be used for testing, it only operates as an attraction………when they’re not blowing shit up.

The old school still stands with examples of students work, the old piano, clothes pegs etc:

It’s a bit like my old Comprehensive in Essex really. I imagine if kids were still there they’d be calling the teachers slags, the boys would be trying to finger girls during English and the birds would be stuffing tissue in their bras and look like they’d been shot in the face with a make-up gun.

This is the church. I’m Catholic and go to church every week. Those people who think that human people evolved from monkeys ‘n’ all that are fucking mental. God created EVERYTHING in 6 days and stuck his feet up on Sunday to watch Eve get her baps out in that garden.

The plan was to follow our walking map on a 3 mile stroll up the hill, find a nice spot, eat our nosh and roll back. Here we are exuberantly setting off. Take note of the yellow markers and “Military Firing Range. Keep Out” sign. They were later to be our downfall.

You may be able to just about make out the rocky and frankly treacherous terrain. We were ill equipped. Apart from Gem Dog who was wearing very sensible pink Chuck Taylors. She’s such a country bumpkin!

Now. We made it to the top of the hill despite my leathered soled brogues and the birds plimsoles. Although I did nearly sprain my ankle a couple of times ūüė¶

This is the spot we picked to bust out the picnic. I’ll tell you what. Sitting up there with that view and a bit of pork pie is probably my idea of heaven. I bloody love pork pie. If Gem Dogs Mum had been there at that point I would have kissed her face.

Again I’ve helpfully marked out our route, only this time we left the map reading to the two tarts. So instead of heading down to this beautiful little cove, having a bit of a paddle and then back down to the village, they decided it would be better for us to carry on walking along the cliffs.

Don’t get me wrong, the cliffs were amazing, but I’m not exactly Hasslehoff. I burn under the lights at work. Spending more than 12 minutes outside in anything warmer than 16 oC is going to end in tears. It might not look that far this route but IT WAS VERY HILLY.

We were pretty tired but luckily Gem Dog brought along some nitrous oxide so we all sat down and had a couple of balloons half way down.

She’s always thinking that girl. Some of the idiots we walked past had water and back-packs. Fucking dicks.

When we got to the bottom we saw a beach. Brilliant. We can have a paddle and and head back along the sea. It’ll be wonderful.


Now by this time we were all pretty tired and slightly heady from the sun and laughing gas. We sat down and worked out that we were still about 5 miles from the car in either direction. Turning back wasn’t an option what with all those hills and judging by the numerous burnt out tanks along the route, I don’t think they were joking about the potential of losing a leg. Given the location you could say we were in a veritable no mans land. HA! A bit of war humour there.

Anyway. I’m a bit bored now. We ploughed on. The bird moaned. We went to the pub. I had the lamb, the girls had fish, I can’t remember what Lewis had. Then we drove home stopping at Wembley Maccers for a Mc Flurry. Mine was grim.

The end.


1 Comment

Filed under Funny

We went on a lovely trip – Part 1

I have a feeling that this post could end up being pretty epic. If like me,¬†you have a tendency to scroll down the page before you start reading anything, do not be deterred…..it’ll all be worth it. ¬†Believe.

Right then. ¬†Me and the tart and Lewy Pooey and his horse hound all headed down to Dorset the other weekend in aid of Pooey’s birfdee.

Day 1 of our activities began on the Saturday:

We all jumped in the Almera and headed off. ¬†To get where we were going we had to get on the Studland chain ferry. ¬†I was very excited. ¬†I was a bit sad that the crossing wasn’t a bit longer as it looked like it would be a thrilling trip, but when we got out onto the huge expanse of ocean I was glad that it wasn’t too far as the water was SO choppy I thought that we might all perish. ¬†Luckily the captain was very experienced and he managed to save us from certain death.

Artist impression

Whilst we were crossing Gemdog informed us that Studland has the most popular nudist beach in the UK. ¬†Luckily it was quite cloudy and a touch windy so we didn’t see any cocks or fanny’s. ¬†Phew! ¬†YUK!

To celebrate not seeing an old boys old boy, we stopped off at this big hairy pub and had a drink.  I had a pint of ale because I am a big strong man.  The tarts had a half and Lewy had a pint of 7% cider because he is sensible and was driving.

It is a very lovely pub isn’t it? ¬†Lewy wanted some cash-back. ¬†They were very¬†accommodating and said he could have as much as he wanted. ¬†He got ¬£50.

Whilst in the garden we decided to get a picture of birthday boy and his TWO new camera’s. ¬†Luckily Gem dog has an I-Groan, otherwise we would’ve had to take brass rubbing of his face. ¬†Which would’ve been ridiculous! We didn’t even have any crayons!!

Lewey was wearing his new trousers. ¬†He loved them he did. ¬†He kept rubbing his legs and saying how nice they felt. ¬†It made me feel awkward. ¬†Like when you can’t stop thinking about wanking and you’re in the same room as your Nan.

After our drinks we headed down to the sea, where I skimmed stones and everyone on the beach watched in awe. ¬†My technique is second to none. ¬†We also wrote “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEWIS” in the sand. ¬†I drew some balloons around the text to liven it up a bit. ¬†The bird said they were shit. ¬†She always has to go a ruin and nice moment. ¬†We went back to the car because she had fucked everything up!….and it was a bit chilly.

I think the balloons are alright.....

Back in the Almera we made our way to Swanage.  I had never been to Swanage, but my old school chums went there on a field trip.  My mate told me that it was one of the best weeks of his life.  I was very excited!

Not a little slapper in sight ūüė¶

I had been told it was utopia of slags and 4 litre bottles of cider, imagine my¬†disappointment then when we were greeted by a 1940’s street party! ¬†Gutted. ¬†Still, there was a 40 something woman singing “Johnny be Good” and she had massive fun bags. ¬† Rough with the smooth I ‘spose.

We went to the arcade and tried to make our fortune. ¬†I think those 10p slot machines where you try and win more 10p’s are AMAZING! ¬†Now they’ve even put five pound notes and¬†jewellery in there with them. ¬†It’s like a little bit of Vegas right in Dorset. ¬†While we were there Lewy and Gem dog won these guys. ¬†I had my sunglasses nicked. ¬†Everyone’s a winner!

I also bought a pair of 80’s brown Clarks loafers from Help the Aged. ¬†I got a great deal at ¬£6.99. ¬†In London they would’ve been at least ¬£30. ¬†Although I did feel bad because vintage shops in London only charge so much because they like to give much more money to¬†charity¬†than those Dorset bastards! ¬†I shall write a cheque for the difference to Beyond Retro.

We said our goodbyes to Swanage with a 99 and headed on towards Corfe Castle.

This is Corfe Castle. ¬† We planned on walking up and taking a look around but none of us could be fucked and they were taking six quid. ¬†That’s a couple of beers down there so we went to the pub to relax.

Corfe Castle is in Wareham. Gem dog told us that Enid Blyton based Noddy’s toy town on Wareham. ¬†It had a little steam train and everything. ¬†I really liked these that were in all the shops. ¬†I especially liked it when I saw a little boys parents buying him one as a souvenier….awwwwww.

The tart tried to convince me that me that Enid Blyton was a bit of racist. ¬†She’s a wolly!

When we got home Gem Dogs Mum said that the village shop at Corfe Castle had been on Mary Queen of shops that week.  It was pretty strange as we had bought some stuff from there.  Mary is good at her job obviously.  I was a bit gutted we missed Mary.  I definitely would.

Yum yum yum.

In the evening we went to Poole harbour. ¬†We sat and had a glass of Rose and watched a drunk girl get taken away by the police. ¬†She asked the policemen what she was “sposed ta ‘ave done”, they said “you know what happened”, “no I don’t” came the reply. ¬†You “headbutted her didn’t you”. ¬†“Oh”.

We moved on. ¬†Loads of people were dressed as pirates a bit further on which was FUN!¬†¬†Nice old style pirates I mean, the ones that say “arrrgghhh me hearty” and that. ¬†Not those mad brown ones with speed boats and machine guns who say “give me your boat or I shoot dis woman in her face. ¬†They’re awful they are those ones.

The highlight of the day for the girls was when we were in the taxi and “Nelly – Ride wit me” came on. ¬†Me and Lewy Poeey absolutely fucking smashed it mate. ¬†Taxi driver was lovin’ it!

If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

Ok. ¬†So we’re only at day 1 and day 2 was better than day 1. ¬†I think¬†I’ll¬†have to do this in two parts.

Still to come in part 2…..a treasure hunt…..deserted towns….wrong turns…..nitrous¬†oxide……..military testing and our 1st McFlurry in 4 years.

Hold tight!!



Filed under Funny

My 1st trip to the doctor in 3 years

Had to register with a new doctors last week. ¬†Went in to pick up some new patient forms. ¬†They also give you a little pot to take away and bring back full of wee week. ¬†The handover’s a bit embarrassing but at least it gives you a chance to flush yourself out a bit before you give it in. ¬†My appointment was in the morning, it’s never giving a piss sample first thing is it? ¬†All Oringina-y and stinking of sugar puffs.

To get a nice¬†colouring I had planned to fill it up the night before, but it slipped my mind. ¬†I had to get up early and down a few pints of water to thin it out a bit. ¬†I didn’t think it was going to work its way through in time but I just managed to force a decent one out and get there on time.

It was still quite warm so there was a fair bit of condensation in there as well. ¬†I don’t know if that affects the results. ¬†I was going to pop it in the fridge for a bit but I was in a mad rush. ¬† I’m not sure if they give you any feedback or if they just pop a bit of litmus paper in there and see how you compare to various bars of soap.

I got a bit confused and tried to hand it to the receptionist with my forms. ¬†To see someone recoil from your pot isn’t a nice feeling, especially after going to all that effort. ¬†God knows what her reaction would’ve been if it had of been the first slash of the day. ¬†I had to scramble it red faced back into my pocket. ¬†It’s weird sitting there with everyone aware that you’ve got piss in your cardigan pocket.

While I was waiting I got talking to a old guy called Stanley. ¬†Stanley Rag. ¬†He was nice. ¬†I don’t know what it is about doctors surgery’s that makes people think they can tell a stranger about their reasons for being there. ¬†He was telling me in quite a bit of detail about his kidney infection and how much it hurt when he went to the toilet. ¬†He was being quite candid and I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed, so I told him about the piss handover fiasco to try and make it a, we’re all in this together chat. ¬†He didn’t really seem interested.

I would help any of these women pick their leggings out of their fanny. Apart from Paris Hilton. I'd push hers further up. Maybe out of her mouth.

He also said that he has a cupboard full of pots and he occasionally just pops into the hospital¬†unannounced¬†with a little sample to see what’s going on. ¬†I think Stanley is great. ¬†I got the impression that the staff though he was a bit of a pain in arse though.

Poor ol’ Stanley, I think he just gets bored and wee’s in stuff to keep himself occupied. ¬†I hope I live to an age where I can get away with shit like that.

I’ve got to go to the asthma clinic on Monday because that’s where all the cool kids go. ¬†Trying to swing one of those hayfever injections as well to stop me being such a fucking baby for 4 months. ¬†I’ll let you know how get on¬†obviously. ¬†I know you’re riveted.

Oh. ¬†I almost forgot. ¬†While I was waiting I saw a lady pick her leggings out of her fanny. ¬†I’d never seen anyone do that before. ¬†Perhaps if you have a hungry fanny then tight leggings aren’t really for you.


p.s. I have normal blood pressure. ¬†I’m 14 stone 2 pounds and a couple of cm’s short of six feet three inches. ¬†I also have nice hair and a handsome face but the nurse didn’t put that on my forms because she’s a twat.

Leave a comment

Filed under Funny

Chris Cairns/Beardyman >> Holographic Performance

Saw this about a month ago but I couldn’t quite figure out how to lift it. ¬†¬†Not even the geekiest of my super geek friends could work it out. ¬† What’s the point of wasting your time with dweebs if they can’t even help you out with the stuff you’re too cool to learn yourself.

Sort yourselves out lads or I’ll trade you in!

Anyway, I got there in the end.

It’s another¬†instalment¬†from the boy Cairns after this sensational Scratch Perverts stuff I bought you a while back.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

It’s pretty mind blowing. ¬†He’s a clever boy inhe. ¬†Yes he is



Leave a comment

Filed under Art, Music

Bare Bones – issue 3


Coming to you from the cleverest, most handsomest, most loveliest and most bestest scribbler in all of the land (that’s my buddy Harry Malt for those of you too bloody stupid to not know already) is the imminent release of Bare Bones issue 3.

Now I’ve told you about this loads before but it’s getting better and better and bigger and bigger. ¬†They’ll again be knocking out 90 A5 prints from the 30 featured artists, all for the meagre sum of twenty squids…….I’ll be looking to replace the two that bird of mine seems to have lost since the issue 2 run.

To launch they’ll again be exhibiting at the Nue Gallery near Brick Lane from 1st April and running until….I don’t know…..a bit after that…..a couple of weeks….a month….fuck knows. ¬†It’s really worth getting yourselves along at some point though.

The paper will be available to download sometime after the 1st. ¬†Probably when Malt recovers from the his inevitable fools hangover. ¬†Should anyone out of London (or the local lazy’s) want a physical copy, I’ll grab you one and send it on….fuck it….I’ll even pick up the postage. ¬†Nice guy I am.

You can download Bare Bones issue 2 here – after felching and Gerbilling vids, it’s probably the best thing you could get from the interweb…..and it won’t get you in trouble with the missus…unless she loves Maggie Thatcher and deplores banana mutilation….in which case you should probably fuck her off anyway. ¬†Silly cow.

Perhaps I’ll see you there. ¬†Perhaps I’ll talk to you…..but probably not.

Now piss off.


1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Jewels & Muffs. How it went down!

It’s been a while. Sorry sorry sorry. ¬†I’ve been busy dealing with shit in the real world. Fucking real world! ¬†I’ll get to it.

The arts and crafts for that party of ours consumed me for the best part of two weeks.  Cutting out stencils, making signs and pimping up a hoody takes time you know.  So does liberating an industrial sized sub woofer from a City gym and typing up a 380 strong guestlist for a party meant for 180.  I shit myself a few times I can tell thee.

It went off alright anyway. ¬†We had a few teething problems. ¬†Lewy Pooey and me don’t know our arse’s from our cocks from our elbows with anything technical electrical, but we somehow got the PA going. Luck more than judgement. ¬†Took a few tweeks from the people who actually knew what the fuck they were doing but all in all it didn’t sound half bad.

The lightswords came out too early. ¬†The sweets and bubbles didn’t come out at all, and people generally thought I was peddling poppers when I went round with the glow sticks……me!…..poppers!….my arsehole is wide enough mate. ¬†Minor problems.

Being a warehouse, being 4th floor and being only one toilet…..that’s more of a problem. ¬†Alot of piss flowing down 60 feet of stairs apparently. ¬†I didn’t see it, but I imagine it looked quite beautiful.

I played first and busted out my now standard reggae/soul set. ¬†It was early. ¬†No-one cared. ¬†Gilbey rolled into town and smashed it to pieces, the two Scotsman were visibly shaken at the prospect of having to follow what he put down, but true to their word they played the hits. ¬†Plenty of sing-a-longs and hands in the air. ¬†It was an over-sized house party and that’s what we wanted.

A sign and hoody crafted by my own fair hand

A right pair of lovelies

I think they're both dead. Worth it though.

Gilbey and his Deejaaaaay stance

They were a quid. The pound shop is ace for shit partys!

Some nice people.

Chop her fucking head off! Go on!

These two thought I wanted to be Calvin Harris. Plums.

Unfortunately just as we were getting going the police rolled into town and gave us the heads up on an imminent raid (needless to say alot of people would have been in a bit of trouble) and closed us down. ¬†Bloody bastards! ¬†We mooched on for another half hour but had the plug pulled at 3 a.m. ¬†It could’ve been worse….it could’ve been much much better!

It was great crowd. ¬†Brilliant to see some old faces, meet some new ones and have a laugh. ¬†Apologies if I didn’t get the chance to speak to everyone. ¬†There was a lot going on.

I think we’ll do something again. ¬†Somewhere licensed. ¬†Somewhere with more toilets. ¬†Somewhere we don’t have to worry so much.

That was that.

Big love to Hannah for the sub and glow sticks. ¬†Harry Malt for the flyer. ¬†Gilbey, Paul and Alan for the tunes and you ‘orrible lot for coming along and getting involved!

Until next time!


Leave a comment

Filed under party

Jewel Muff Party Time

I have a friend called Lewis. ¬†Me and his Mum call him Lewy Pooey. ¬†Lewy Pooey loves being called Lewy Pooey. ¬†He always says to me “call me Lewy Pooey”. ¬†So I do.

I like Lewy Pooey for lots and lots of reasons.  I like him because he wears vests, but not under things to keep him warm, he wears them like normal people wear t-shirts.  I think this is great.  Even when it snows Lewy Pooey will wear just a vest.  I think he is really strong and tough.

Lewy Pooey has a harmonica necklace. ¬†I think this is really cool and groovy and it’s great because he lets me blow it and everyone goes “wow” and it makes me feel special.

He has a hat that people say he wears because he is getting a bit thin on top, but I think he wears it because it makes him look ultra fab.

But my very best favourite thing about Lewy poey is that he has a tooth that he can take out of his face whenever he wants. ¬†I would love to have a tooth I could take out of my face whenever I want. Sometimes Lewy pooey will do it to girls and they will get shocked and say “I am shocked”. ¬†We laugh at them. ¬†ALOT! ¬†Stupid cows.

We’re having a party soon. ¬†It’s not our birthdays or anything, we just LOVE being the centre of attention. ¬†We are having a Jewel and Ear Muff Party because it’s National Jewel Day and National Ear Muff Day. ¬†Lewy Pooey said that the bloody Yanks have all sorts of crap like that. ¬†I don’t know what that means but yank sounds like that rude thing that makes you go blind. ¬†And he said crap, so I laughed alot! ¬†Ha ha.

My very good friend Harold made us a flyer for our party. ¬†The Queen looks really really funny because her hat is on all wonky and her coat is well bright. ¬†I hurts my eyes when I look at it. ¬†I don’t know the other man but he has a strange head. ¬†He must be really old because he has lots of saggy skin on his face. ¬†The Queen has lots and lots of money that she works really hard for because she is the Queen, I think that she should pay for the saggy skin face man to have some plastic surgery to make his face not so ugly.

Non-elected spongers not welcome

I’m pleased that Harold made us our flyer yesterday because he was very unwell last night. ¬†Matt the Cat found Harold standing in a puddle of red vomit in his socks. ¬†Matt the Cat said he looked like a sad puppy. ¬†I hope that Harold is ok and that he doesn’t look at anything like the saggy face mans face, he’ll definitely be sick again! Yuck!

I am looking forward to our party.  We are getting a big scary man to come and make sure that nobody has any arguments.  He will be my big scary man for the day, and because it will also be my party, if somebody is horrible to me I will get the big scary man to bonk them on the head and throw them in the bin.

I wish I could have a big scary man with me all the time. ¬†There alot of people I would make him bonk over the head and throw in the bin. ¬†I would set him on that man called Dave who rides a bike and doesn’t wear a tie and tells everyone that he is the best man that anyone has ever seen and he will make everything ok again. ¬†I think he’s a prat.

I would do a moony on his face when he was in the bin and say. ¬†Ha ha Dave. ¬†Sniff my arse Dave. ¬†Your bike is broken Dave. ¬†You’re going to have to walk home Dave.

You cunt.

Beware of me and my scary man!!!


1 Comment

Filed under party