Tag Archives: Bestival

Bestival – The alpaca the pig and the lazy donkey

Alpaca’s are my 3rd favourite animals behind elephants and sloths, so imagine my excitement when we went for a walk and stumbled across a pets corner with a few of the cheeky little rascals kicking about.

Look at this one.  Chilling out with the horse.  Having a bit of lunch.  Enjoying the view.  Ain’t he cute!?  Awwwww.

I’m not such a big fan of horses, but this one was nice.  He wandered over and a gave him a little rub on his hooter.  I didn’t have any sugar lumps to feed him so I just picked up some grass.  That’s probably better for him anyway, I don’t really understand why you would give a horse sugar?  I remembered to keep my palm flat.  You must ALWAYS keep your palm FLAT when you’re feeding a horse otherwise it will definitely eat your fingers.

A guy I used to work with used to say that he fed a girls horse when he stimulated their female lady lips.   He used to go “Yeah I fed ‘er horse up last night, it was well ‘ungry” and show me with a gesture as if feeding a hungry horse.

Then we come across this pair.  I’m not quite sure what had happened, but the Alpaca seemed to have had some sort of accident and couldn’t use his legs properly.  From the way he was whining and screeching I think it must’ve been pretty bad.  He could barely walk!

He and the pig must’ve been really good friends as pig was trying to give him a piggy back.  The Alpaca was much bigger than the poor little pig though and she looked to be in some discomfort herself as she tried to carry him.

There were other Alpaca’s there but none of them came to help the pig carry him.  Even the donkey who would’ve been much more useful in aiding the stricken Alpaca didn’t come to help, and that’s kind of what a donkey’s job is.  To carry stuff n that.  It was very upsetting.

Lewy Pooey decided to film it.  I’m not sure why.  I think it was so that if the pig were to be seriously hurt he could show her owners what had happened and they could piece together the puzzle.

With much difficulty the pig managed to carry him all the way over to the edge of the field, but it all appeared to have taken it’s toll on the poor swine and she had to give up…..

I think her husband was due home from work.

When we were at Bestival we found a stall that sold lots of knitted stuff.

Lewy had been smoking these things he called “Bifta’s”.  I was a bit confused as I thought Bifta’s were those great big bins that you got tugged off behind when you’re at school.  Anyway.  These bifta things made him all smiley and happy and when he saw that some of the knitted stuff was made from Alpaca fluff he immediately bought one.  I think the proceeds must’ve gone into some sort of Alpaca benevolent fund or sumfink.

That’s what I love about Lewy.  Even when he’s having fun with bifta’s and stuff he still thinks about that Alpaca and his poorly leg.





Filed under festival, Funny

Bestival – Gem Dog’s wee hole

I'd She Wee on his head. I'd She Shit on his head.

The plan was to do loads of Bestival posts last week, but between you and me I’ve been struggling.  I’ve felt progressively worse every day since last Tuesday.  I was pretty sure  I’d be dead by today.

I’m not though.  Look! Here I am! Hello!  I feel much better now, thanks for asking.

There’s too many black holes holes in my memory to be able take you through our weekend as it happened, so what I thought I’d do is just post stuff as/when they come back to me.

One of the first things  I had written in my notebook that came to mind was:

“Gemdog and her wee hole”

Because girls are such dirty little buggers and piss everywhere when they go toilet, they have to hover above the seat when they have a wee otherwise they’ll get other people’s slash all over their bum-cheeks.  It must be an awful strain on their legs.  I think that’s why a lot of girls have such big thighs.

Gemdog brought a thing called a “she wee” with her so that she could have a wee standing up like a civilised human man.  We had a bit of trouble figuring out which way round it went but then Lewy said that “It don’t go that way round, underneath is where ya wee ‘ole is”.  He is very bright and we managed to work it out.

I thought the “She Wee” was a very good idea but one of the other girls with us didn’t think it would work because you couldn’t control how fast your wee came out and it would go all over your hands.

I don’t think this girl wee’d like normal people.  I think she had a sort of trap door wee hole where you pulled a cord and it all came gushing out at once.  Kind of like on Noel’s House Party when all those bent heads get gunged…’cept it weren’t gunge it was pissssssssss.

The same girl also gave some bloke a blowjob down an alley way in Torremolinos with a kebab in one hand and the cock in the other.

She also wanks at work and everyone at work knows that she wanks at work, so when she comes back from having a wank at work all the boys at work sniff their fingers.  I said to her “how do the boys know you wank at work?”.  She said “because I always go in the disabled toilet coz it’s got a full length mirror”……..”and I told them that I wank at work”.

She was very nice but made me a bit uneasy.

Bye bye.

RnR xx

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You pricks look like you need some cheering up.

Even by my standards I’ve been a bit of a grumpy bastard recently.  I’m not usually bothered about winter but this one’s never fucking ending.  Everyone seems pissed off.  It’s made me realise that being a dour bastard is only fun when everyone else is in high spirits and I can rain on their parade a bit.  There’s no fun in kicking someone who’s already down.

To give myself a bit of a pick me up, I bought me and the good time police a couple of tickets for Bestival this morning.

So rather than having a moan about how I want to reach down the phone and crush the wind pipes of the people who tell you to “listen” when you’re talking to them on the phone, or how the next person who feels the need to pull me aside in a bar and ask me why I have my shirt buttoned to the top will get a ash tray in the face, I’ll instead fill you in on some bright and cheery things that have been making the past few weeks vaguely bearable.

All in the spirit of Bestival.  Get it?

Right then.  First up is this tune by The Strange Boys.  I’ve been hearing it a bit on 6Music recently.  I don’t know much about them but if this is anything to go by I’ll be giving them some time.  It sounds like an old 60’s garage band with a bit of Charlie Parker chucked in for good measure.  Not a bad mix!

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m a proper geezer and not a big My Little Pony fan.  Well, not since I was caught playing with them and my Sisters Care Bears when I was about 19.  Anyway, these are the nuts and well blokey.

Just one more thing.  There’s this guy called Limmy.  He’s a bit of a hit in the blogging world.  He’s been knocking out video blogs for a long time.  Some belters including how he likes to kill prostitutes on Grand Theft Auto and shit like that.  My sort of stuff!  Anyway, BBC Scotland have given him a series.  You can catch it on Iplayer, well worth a watch it is.  Now technically I shouldn’t be promoting his stuff what with him banning me from following him on Twitter.  He might be funny, but the prick cannae take a joke.

Oh and Master Chef is back on Thursday.  I bleedin’ love Master Chef!!  I’ve missed Gregg Wallace sucking off cutlery and John Torode looking like he might stab someone in the face if they fuck up a bernaise.  It’s amazing.  I love the seriousness of it all.  “Oh no.  That is a real shame.  You’ve got lumps in your mash.”  “*sniff sniff*.” ” If you give me another chance I’ll prove to you that I can make good mash.  *sniff sniff*.”  Wicked!

Hopefully these things will bring a smile to your face and put a spring in your step.  If they do I’ll be waiting near by to trip you up.  Bye bye.

Easy now!!



Filed under Comedy, Music, Uncategorized