People who decide that January is the best month for giving stuff up must be, for want of a better word, cunts. Actually, I don’t think you could find a better word than that. I’ll stick.
It’s a hard enough getting through this month as it is. If I had to try and do it without a drink, eating rubbish and buying myself pretty things then….well……everyone needs a vice don’t they…… I reckon I’d be watching a lot of disgusting porn. Really quite vile stuff.
Yeah you might be a few pounds lighter, your lungs might be a bit cleaner, your bank balance a slightly paler shade of red and your liver not a grey turgid lump, but you’ll be a friendless, dull, miserable, boring shitbag. Come February when all of the do gooders want to come back out and play, they’re gonna get a big “fuck off” from me. You’ve already missed high antics such as these. Jealous? You should be!
You’ve got to set your stall out early in the year I find. Start as you mean to go on. You need to keep your body on it’s toes, give him a month off and he’ll get complacent. I’ve seen it before. They look all nice and shiny these “oh I’m not drinking in January” types, but they’re not so smug when they’re in the corner crying and covered in sick on the 1st Feb.
So yeah. It’s been a pretty full on month for me. None more so than the past week, what with it being the tarts birthday weekend an’ all. I was going to break it down and blog on each bit, but as always, I can’t really be arsed, I’ll do separate posts for the best bits and just lump the rest in together. How’s that? Good? Wicked!
First up. Went to see Stewart Lee last Wednesday. For those of you who don’t know who Stewart Lee is already, you probably won’t like him. He’s a comedian that doesn’t notice anything about your life, hoovering based hilarity isn’t really his thing. So for those of you who think Michael McIntyre is the funniest man on the planet, I can’t even muster the energy to even attempt to turn you. All I’ll say is that he’s a very clever and very funny man. If I were a comedian, I would be Stewart Lee. Probably the highest accolade one could wish to receive I reckon.
Next up was the girlfriends birthday meal at Bob Bob Ricard in Soho. I’m needing to push the boat out further each year what with being a massive pain in the arse most of the time. I’m having to increase her birthday dossge of niceness to hold onto her until the next hit. It’ll probably take a 40ft Easter egg to get me through to Xmas this year. BBR is ace though. 1920’s art deco style, amazing cocktails and a button on your table that reads “press for Champagne”…..that got covered up pretty sharpish. I mean, as girlfriends go she’s not a bad one. She’s not champagne good though. I might see if there’s a restaurant with a “reasonable Cava” button.
Friday we hit the Science museum. I’m going to have to do a separate post for that. IT.WAS.AMAZING. Ended up in the pub early and catching up with a couple of friends. Rolled back the years and got involved in a bit of turbo shandy action. Had to talk the good looking French barman through the process. He looked thoroughly disgusted as we tucked in. Him…..disgusted with us…..a fucking Frenchman! London’s going to shit.
Quite nicely tied into Saturday was a re-arranged Richard Hawley gig at the Festival Hall. Again. I’ll do a separate post for that. I really can’t do that guy justice and not make this post a bit of a monster.
Few games of shithead and bullshit in the pub with friends on Sunday. Esther nicked a pig and a penguin from a party on Saturday night and Lewis was being HILARIOUS and making it look like the penguin was sucking the pigs tits and we all laughed alot. Then he put the penguin behind the pig and made it look like it was shagging it up the you know what, we all had to wipe tears from our eyes because it was so fucking funny. Then we put the pig in the gravy from our roast dinners and pretended to eat it and I almost shit my pants, I was having such a good time. Then Lewis kept spinning the penguin on it’s back and saying it was break dancing and nudging me and spinning the penguin and nudging me. No-one laughed. Grace said that he had ruined the whole day and went to the toilet to cry. Lewis always takes it too far.
A whole fun week RUINED!