Tag Archives: carnaby st

Richard Hawley makes grown men cry. Over and over.

Before I moved to London my route to work involved an hour on a too hot/too cold train.  For the most part it was a massive pain in the arse.  Early mornings spent avoiding the gaze of people on the platform you knew, but certainly didn’t have an hours worth of conversation for.

They’d see you.   You’d see them.  Neither of you wanted to talk to each other, but what do you do?  Just once I would’ve loved to have said:  “look, I tried to avoid your gaze, I could see you were trying to avoid mine, unfortunately we both looked up at the same time and caught each others eye.  To be honest, it’s early, and I really can’t be bothered to make the effort to talk to you.  Nothing against you, I think you’re alright when we’re in a group of people, but to be frank, a one on one is just going to be a bit awkward.  I’d rather just sit, read my book and listen to some tunes.  Either we sit together and have a comfortable silence or, and this is my preference, I can walk up the other end of the platform and we can just pretend we didn’t see each other?

Monday and Tuesday you can discuss the weekend just gone.  Thursday and Friday you can discuss the approaching weekend.  Catch them on a Wednesday and you’re really fucked.  It’s an hour of hairdresser conversations about weather and holidays.

This was back in my pre-Ipod days, so I used to grab a few CD’s for the old discman on my way out the door in the morning.  Settle in next to the window and listen to an album in it’s entirety.  Imagine that!  A whole album!

Very occasionally you’d have a day when your mood would be 100% in tune with what CD you had grabbed.  And rather than your journey be a chore, it was actually rather enjoyable.  One such day that sticks in my mind is the day I first listened to Richard Hawley.

We went to see him on Saturday.  My first time at The Royal Festival Hall.  The place is truly amazing.  No more perfect setting for someone such as Hawley.

I’m tempted to wax lyrical.  About his voice, about his amazing band, about his lyrics, and about how on a clear bright cold winters morning on a train from Essex, and again on Saturday, the fucker almost made me (a double hard bastard) ball my eyes out about a dozen times.

Please listen to this tune. Please check him out if you don’t know him.  I promise you it’ll be worth it.




Leave a comment

Filed under Music, Uncategorized

Fun food frog farmyard and fucked it all up.

People who decide that January is the best month for giving stuff up must be, for want of a better word, cunts.  Actually, I don’t think you could find a better word than that.  I’ll stick.

It’s a hard enough getting through this month as it is.  If I had to try and do it without a drink, eating rubbish and buying myself pretty things then….well……everyone needs a vice don’t they…… I reckon I’d be watching a lot of disgusting porn.  Really quite vile stuff.

Yeah you might be a few pounds lighter, your lungs might be a bit cleaner, your bank balance a slightly paler shade of red and your liver not a grey turgid lump, but you’ll be a friendless, dull, miserable, boring shitbag.  Come February when all of the do gooders want to come back out and play, they’re gonna get a big “fuck off” from me.  You’ve already missed high antics such as these.  Jealous? You should be!

You’ve got to set your stall out early in the year I find.  Start as you mean to go on.  You need to keep your body on it’s toes, give him a month off and he’ll get complacent.  I’ve seen it before.  They look all nice and shiny these “oh I’m not drinking in January” types, but they’re not so smug when they’re in the corner crying and covered in sick on the 1st Feb.

So yeah.  It’s been a pretty full on month for me.  None more so than the past week, what with it being the tarts birthday weekend an’ all.  I was going to break it down and blog on each bit, but as always, I can’t really be arsed, I’ll do separate posts for the best bits and just lump the rest in together.  How’s that?  Good?  Wicked!

Here goes.

First up.  Went to see Stewart Lee last Wednesday.  For those of you who don’t know who Stewart Lee is already, you probably won’t like him.  He’s a comedian that doesn’t notice anything about your life, hoovering based hilarity isn’t really his thing.  So for those of you who think Michael McIntyre is the funniest man on the planet, I can’t even muster the energy to even attempt to turn you.  All I’ll say is that he’s a very clever and very funny man.  If I were a comedian, I would be Stewart Lee.  Probably the highest accolade one could wish to receive I reckon.

Next up was the girlfriends birthday meal at Bob Bob Ricard in Soho.  I’m needing to push the boat out further each year what with being a massive pain in the arse most of the time.  I’m having to increase her birthday dossge of niceness to hold onto her until the next hit.  It’ll probably take a 40ft Easter egg to get me through to Xmas this year.  BBR is ace though.  1920’s art deco style, amazing cocktails and a button on your table that reads “press for Champagne”…..that got covered up pretty sharpish.  I mean, as girlfriends go she’s not a bad one.  She’s not champagne good though.  I might see if there’s a restaurant with a “reasonable Cava” button.

Friday we hit the Science museum.  I’m going to have to do a separate post for that.  IT.WAS.AMAZING. Ended up in the pub early and catching up with a couple of friends.  Rolled back the years and got involved in a bit of turbo shandy action.  Had to talk the good looking French barman through the process.  He looked thoroughly disgusted as we tucked in.  Him…..disgusted with us…..a fucking Frenchman!  London’s going to shit.

Quite nicely tied into Saturday was a re-arranged Richard Hawley gig at the Festival Hall.  Again.  I’ll do a separate post for that.  I really can’t do that guy justice and not make this post a bit of a monster.

Few games of shithead and bullshit in the pub with friends on Sunday.  Esther nicked a pig and a penguin from a party on Saturday night and Lewis was being HILARIOUS and making it look like the penguin was sucking the pigs tits and we all laughed alot.  Then he put the penguin behind the pig and made it look like it was shagging it up the you know what, we all had to wipe tears from our eyes because it was so fucking funny.  Then we put the pig in the gravy from our roast dinners and pretended to eat it and I almost shit my pants, I was having such a good time.  Then Lewis kept spinning the penguin on it’s back and saying it was break dancing and nudging me and spinning the penguin and nudging me.  No-one laughed.  Grace said that he had ruined the whole day and went to the toilet to cry.  Lewis always takes it too far.

A whole fun week RUINED!


Leave a comment

Filed under Funny


What an arsehole

So what, I’m not a big fan of summer.  Granted it has it’s plus points, tarts in tight stuff ‘n’ that, but I’d take winter over it every time.  Well, I say winter, I prefer spring and autumn really but no-one ever asks that question do they?  Would you rather be too hot or too cold?  What!?  Too hot or too cold?  Neither.  Can I not just hang about in May?

Don’t get me wrong, sun on your holidays is alright, I don’t mind that, in-fact I would even go so far as to say I’ve occasionally enjoyed myself.  When it’s hot and your only worry is whether you go to the beach or the pool, I can live with that.

It being hot when you have to go to work and actually do stuff, nah, that’s shit that is.   Let’s all go to the park and have a few beers?  Yeah brilliant, can you make sure that we’re 25 miles from a toilet so I can only enjoy the first 45 minutes of it?  Nice one.  Give me a sec though, I need to get  57 Puritin down my neck and put some factor million on (I’m pasty as fuck by the way) first.

Summer gets people’s hopes up as well.  You’re annoyed that the forecast for the bbq summer has turned out to be bollocks?  There’s a shock.  Don’t moan.  Be a pessimist like me.  I have no expectations.  Sounds shit?  Well I live a life with virtually no disappointment.  In yo face muvva humpers!   Yeah you’ll end up a bit of a miserable fucker, but who cares?  I thought last summer was glorious when everyone else deemed it shite.  If you wake up each morning hoping it’s a bit grey and mild then it’ll seem like you’re living in a tropical paradise when it’s 19 degrees.

People always talk about the good parts of summer.  I’m a bit different.  I think about the bad stuff.  As a general rule I like things that aren’t as bad as something else.

Before this year, summer was just more shit than winter, that was until people went and ruined the equilibrium.  I hadn’t previously factored in human influence (hot girls in tight tops are nice but they’re a positive thing, you have to think about the not hot girls in tight tops).  This year though a few winter things dawned on me.

  • Girls really can’t seem to pick their bloody feet up when they walk in anything that vaguely resembles a winter shoe.  Don’t even get me started on FUggs.  I’ve even seen men wearing those pieces of shit this year.  This blog has 20+ comments on how good Ben Affleck looks in the fuckers.  There’s always a queue outside the shop.  I might see if I can get some lonely disillusioned teenagers along to an Ugg fundamentalist camp and send them off on a suicide mission to Covent Garden.
  • Sniffing.   You’re not 12.  Blow your nose you fucking cretin.  Your mates aren’t going to take the piss out of you for having some tissues in your pocket.  I just find myself sitting on public transport waiting for the next *sniiiiiiiiffffff* and getting increasingly angry.   I’m going to end up like  Michael Douglas in Falling Down, being pursued around London leaving a trail of dead snotty scumbags.
  • My brain is going to implode if I hear one more “so much for global warming” comment.  I started by explaining the rationale, quickly moved on to shouting the rationale and I’ve ended up just muttering “cunt” as I push scissors further and further into my ear.

So.  There it is.  By being such annoying little shits you’ve managed to convince me that 3 months of unbearable hay-fever, Oakley sunglasses and men in vests are actually not too bad.

People power!!



Filed under Funny, Piss take

Christmarse is almost here. Joy oh joy.


I usually knock out blogs in my lunch hour….well…..lunch half hour by the time I’ve got me grub and wolfed it down.  Not for the past week or so though.  Oh no.  Lunchtime’s have been spent wandering aimlessly around the West End hoping that something jumps off a shelf, slaps me in the face and tells me that my Mum would love it.

It was a bit of an effort but the shopping’s all done and dusted.  Finished it this afternoon I did.  Just had to visit John Lewis for the sixth day on the spin to get the old girl a dressing gown (don’t worry she won’t be reading this shit).

I had no idea what department you would find a dressing gown in.  Had to call the girlfriend in the end and get some directions.  Lingerie section.  Who’da thunk it huh?  I never venture down to the lingerie section, the word doesn’t even register in my brain.  I don’t get a hard on or nuffin like that.  I just get a bit anxious looking at girls looking at pants.  It’s not so bad in John Lewis though.  It’s all middle-aged housewives so you don’t feel like a perv……or is that more pervy?…..I dunno.  Got the job done with minimum fuss though.  Unlike yesterdays trip to Selfridges.  Loads of Agent Provocateur birds handing stuff out in stockings ‘n’ that.  I was so entranced I ended up on the fourth floor.  I don’t even remember getting on the escalator.  I don’t know how blokes cope if they’ve got a half decent bird in that gear.  I’d be finished before I’ve started.

Anyway.  I realised during these traumatic days of Xmas shopping that I’m treating my girlfriend a bit too well.  I remember when we first started going out she’d be constantly saying “I want” “I need” and getting gifts was easy.  If you only remembered half the things she wanted or needed then you were good for about 58 presents.  Now days though she appears to want for nothing.  I suppose when you’ve got a fella like me what else do you need?  Lucky bitch.

Got her some stuff that could be a bit hit and miss.  It’s her birthday in Jan as well, I’ll be well and truly lost when that comes around.  Got their family a present.  They’re all grown up now so they complain a bit about Xmas being a bit boring.  They’ll probably read this so I can’t disclose what it is, but it’s got the potential to ruin their day……or at least cause a massive argument.  God that would be amazing.  If I could start ruining days without even being there I’d be so proud of myself.

It’s my last day at work today so I’m off to play Hungry Hungry Hippos and Pop Up Pirate.  I LOVE the last day of term!!!

Oh, before I go.  I was coming out of John Lewis via the food department earlier.  Some old girl knocks a jar of pickles off the shelf and they smash at my feet.  She didn’t bat an eye and fucked straight off leaving me to cop the disapproving looks. I didn’t know what to do.  Ended up just getting flustered and pointing to the poor old cow saying to strangers that “it was her, it wasn’t me……it wasn’t me…..”.  She looked back at me with this dough eyed innocence.  For a second even I thought I was lying.  I swear she smirked as she turned away.  Crafty little bastards those OAP’s.  I reckon she was on the rob as well.  She’ll probably cite her Alzheimer’s if she get’s caught.  Seriously.  Don’t trust them.  Calculating old fucks.

Have a good Xmas party people!  Mine is going to made bearable by corrupting my sweet little niece.  I think we could be spending some more time on the naughty step.



Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Folk Clothing – Even makes me look half decent

It’s been a bit of a quandary for me recently deciding whether or not to blog about the clothing line that’s had me looking like such a cool mother fucker for past couple of years.  You want to let people know about something you love, but on the other hand you don’t want any old twat stealing your vibe. 

Unfortunately the good folk at errrr Folk have gone and fucked it all up by doing too well.  The bastards.

I was pleased when I heard news of them extending the flagship store on Lambs Conduit St to two floors.  They were doing well, and rightly so, but now they’ve opened a 2nd store just off Brick Lane.  There’s no point trying to keep quiet about it now is there.  Every sap’s over there at the weekend now days.

With a simple but quirky design ethic and great attention to detail, they’re consistently knocking out must have pieces.  I can’t think of another label that has me wanting pretty much everything they produce. 

These are some of my highlights from the latest line, floating my boat in a big way they are:






You really should pop in and check it out.  Some of it isn’t the cheapest, but twisted classic design won’t be heading anywhere will it.  So un-like your mates who rape the high street you won’t look like a prick when you’re checking out photos from more than 3 months ago.  The staff are a friendly bunch as well, be warned you might end up in there for a while having a chat.  If they like you they might even knock a few bob off.  Can’t say fairer than that can ya.




Filed under Uncategorized

Daisy Lowe makes me look at something other than her arse.

Vodpod videos no longer available.     

Sometimes when I see Daisy Lowe’s name appear up on my Twitter feeds I find it hard to justify why she’s there, other than simply to remind myself that she exists and hope there might be a picture involved.      

Completely and utterly gratuitous

I know about Black Cab Sessions.  They’ve put me on a few things over the past couple of years (check this as well it’s ace), although it’s been a while since I’ve checked in, but when Daisy tells me to check something out, I check it out*.      

I only know the name Holly Miranda because her band The Jealous Girlfriends won an iPod music comp at some point. That’s about where my knowledge ends. Pretty pathetic.      

Still. I’ll give them a proper look now. Better late than never hey.      

It’s a really beautiful cover. She’s got an incredible voice.      

Cheers Miss Lowe. All you need to do now is knock up some beautiful textiles like your Mum (I love her Mum) and you’re well on your way to my top 5.  You lucky cow.      

If anyone has a problem with me liking beautiful textiles then….well….nothing really…..fuck yourselves.      

That’s it.      


*Not entirely true


Filed under Uncategorized

Arcade and Bingo Bango Bongo!

I was going to write about our trip to Egypt but I’m so bloody bored talking about it I just can’t face it.  It’s nice that people are pretend to be interested in whether you had a good time or not, but it does get on your tits a bit going over the same stuff again and again.  The next holiday I have I’m going to invite everyone round my house for an hour-long presentation.  Let’s see how fucking interested they are after that.  You’re about as interested in my holiday as I am in yours.  Just leave it.
 In fairness there’s not really much to say about Sharm El Sheikh to be honest.  I’ve been getting a bit of stick as it’s sounded like I’ve done nothing but moan.  29 degrees everyday.  We had a laugh.  We chilled out, the girlfriend didn’t get poked by the horny faux masseuse hotel manager, we didn’t get the shits and it was Wesley Snipes weekend on Fox.  You can’t grumble too much with stats like that can you….well…actually, I do have one gripe.  If you’re going to the effort of doing a Wesley Snipes weekend and you don’t play Demolition Man then you need your fucking head checking.  Still, got to see Blade so not an entire waste.  They played this film starring Snipes and Tamzin Outhwaite…..yeah you heard right.  Tamzin. Fucking. Outhwaite.  It was called 7 Seconds.  That’s about as long as I could watch it for, and I can watch any old shit.  No surprise in learning that it was straight to DVD.
Seeing Snipes always reminds me of a story about this guy who was on my Brother-in-laws stag do.  I don’t know the full story but he ended up getting Wesley in a headlock in Prague, I think Bruce Willis was there as well.  Imagine that.  Having Snipes in a headlock, that’d be ace.  He knows a few moves but there’s only one way to get out of a headlock.  You have to go for the nuts.  Bit degrading a Hollywood star going for an Essex boys nuts though innit.  If someone knows the whole story can you fill in the blanks.  Tar.
Anyway.  Enough informative travel advice. I’m a bit pushed for time this week what with having been away an’ all.  I’ve also got to write a piece of fiction to help some guy with his MA.  I’ve got a few ideas about what to write.  Pretty much all of them involve a Geordie girl getting fingered in Church.  It sounds a bit risqué but that’s the equivalent of “you may kiss the bride” up there.  Dirty bastards.  I reckon matey’s defintely going to pass.
I came back to news that the Arcade and Bingo boys have actually started putting things up on their blog.  They’ve only had it about 12 years so I was quite surprised to see content up so quick.   I know one half of them…I don’t know if it’s Arcade or Bingo.  I imagine it’s probably Arcade.  He looks the sort who would pump all of his money into those dance machines.  I’ve seen him cut the rug and it’s pretty slick.
You should keep an eye on their page to be honest.  Although he looks about 12 his musical knowledge surpasses his boyish looks height and you should never be one to turn down free music.  Especially stuff that’s been mixed.  That’s what all the cool kids do now days apparetly.
I think that’s it about it for now to be honest.  I’m off to the Bare Bones 2nd issue exhibition on Thursday so I’ll report back on that.  I had a sneak preview of the content the other day and it was looking pretty fly.  It’s a chance to spend some more time with Harry as well, and as you know that is like one of my favourite things in this world.
Sorry for the lack of visual stimulation.  I went with the James Pants tune as a header, one of his remixes features on the Arcade and Bingo mix and this is one of my fav remixes of one of his tunes.
That’s it for now.  Must crack on with the fingering.


Filed under Funny, Music, Piss take, Uncategorized