Tag Archives: clubs

Bestival – Gem Dog’s wee hole


I'd She Wee on his head. I'd She Shit on his head.

The plan was to do loads of Bestival posts last week, but between you and me I’ve been struggling.  I’ve felt progressively worse every day since last Tuesday.  I was pretty sure  I’d be dead by today.

I’m not though.  Look! Here I am! Hello!  I feel much better now, thanks for asking.

There’s too many black holes holes in my memory to be able take you through our weekend as it happened, so what I thought I’d do is just post stuff as/when they come back to me.

One of the first things  I had written in my notebook that came to mind was:

“Gemdog and her wee hole”

Because girls are such dirty little buggers and piss everywhere when they go toilet, they have to hover above the seat when they have a wee otherwise they’ll get other people’s slash all over their bum-cheeks.  It must be an awful strain on their legs.  I think that’s why a lot of girls have such big thighs.

Gemdog brought a thing called a “she wee” with her so that she could have a wee standing up like a civilised human man.  We had a bit of trouble figuring out which way round it went but then Lewy said that “It don’t go that way round, underneath is where ya wee ‘ole is”.  He is very bright and we managed to work it out.

I thought the “She Wee” was a very good idea but one of the other girls with us didn’t think it would work because you couldn’t control how fast your wee came out and it would go all over your hands.

I don’t think this girl wee’d like normal people.  I think she had a sort of trap door wee hole where you pulled a cord and it all came gushing out at once.  Kind of like on Noel’s House Party when all those bent heads get gunged…’cept it weren’t gunge it was pissssssssss.

The same girl also gave some bloke a blowjob down an alley way in Torremolinos with a kebab in one hand and the cock in the other.

She also wanks at work and everyone at work knows that she wanks at work, so when she comes back from having a wank at work all the boys at work sniff their fingers.  I said to her “how do the boys know you wank at work?”.  She said “because I always go in the disabled toilet coz it’s got a full length mirror”……..”and I told them that I wank at work”.

She was very nice but made me a bit uneasy.

Bye bye.

RnR xx

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LCD Soundsystem – Drunk Girls


I’ve been hearing mixed reviews of the new and final album from LCD Soundsystem….I’ve not heard much of it so I’ll reserve judgement for now….although to be fair it’s going to be have to be complete and utter shit for me not to like it.

They can do very little wrong in my eyes. James Murphy’s a fucking dude inhe.

This is the video for the new single Drunk Girls.  One take, they don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s carnage. It’s ace……and Nancy Whang…..ker-fucking-ching!!

I’ll be seeing them at Bestival this year…..hopefully dressed as Care Bear.

That’ll be nice.

RnR

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Chris Cairns/Beardyman >> Holographic Performance


Saw this about a month ago but I couldn’t quite figure out how to lift it.   Not even the geekiest of my super geek friends could work it out.   What’s the point of wasting your time with dweebs if they can’t even help you out with the stuff you’re too cool to learn yourself.

Sort yourselves out lads or I’ll trade you in!

Anyway, I got there in the end.

It’s another instalment from the boy Cairns after this sensational Scratch Perverts stuff I bought you a while back.

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It’s pretty mind blowing.  He’s a clever boy inhe.  Yes he is

Harsh!

RnR!

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Jewels & Muffs. How it went down!


It’s been a while. Sorry sorry sorry.  I’ve been busy dealing with shit in the real world. Fucking real world!  I’ll get to it.

The arts and crafts for that party of ours consumed me for the best part of two weeks.  Cutting out stencils, making signs and pimping up a hoody takes time you know.  So does liberating an industrial sized sub woofer from a City gym and typing up a 380 strong guestlist for a party meant for 180.  I shit myself a few times I can tell thee.

It went off alright anyway.  We had a few teething problems.  Lewy Pooey and me don’t know our arse’s from our cocks from our elbows with anything technical electrical, but we somehow got the PA going. Luck more than judgement.  Took a few tweeks from the people who actually knew what the fuck they were doing but all in all it didn’t sound half bad.

The lightswords came out too early.  The sweets and bubbles didn’t come out at all, and people generally thought I was peddling poppers when I went round with the glow sticks……me!…..poppers!….my arsehole is wide enough mate.  Minor problems.

Being a warehouse, being 4th floor and being only one toilet…..that’s more of a problem.  Alot of piss flowing down 60 feet of stairs apparently.  I didn’t see it, but I imagine it looked quite beautiful.

I played first and busted out my now standard reggae/soul set.  It was early.  No-one cared.  Gilbey rolled into town and smashed it to pieces, the two Scotsman were visibly shaken at the prospect of having to follow what he put down, but true to their word they played the hits.  Plenty of sing-a-longs and hands in the air.  It was an over-sized house party and that’s what we wanted.

A sign and hoody crafted by my own fair hand

A right pair of lovelies

I think they're both dead. Worth it though.

Gilbey and his Deejaaaaay stance

They were a quid. The pound shop is ace for shit partys!

Some nice people.

Chop her fucking head off! Go on!

These two thought I wanted to be Calvin Harris. Plums.

Unfortunately just as we were getting going the police rolled into town and gave us the heads up on an imminent raid (needless to say alot of people would have been in a bit of trouble) and closed us down.  Bloody bastards!  We mooched on for another half hour but had the plug pulled at 3 a.m.  It could’ve been worse….it could’ve been much much better!

It was great crowd.  Brilliant to see some old faces, meet some new ones and have a laugh.  Apologies if I didn’t get the chance to speak to everyone.  There was a lot going on.

I think we’ll do something again.  Somewhere licensed.  Somewhere with more toilets.  Somewhere we don’t have to worry so much.

That was that.

Big love to Hannah for the sub and glow sticks.  Harry Malt for the flyer.  Gilbey, Paul and Alan for the tunes and you ‘orrible lot for coming along and getting involved!

Until next time!

RnR.

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Swizz: Jay-Z / Justice Remix


A lot of producers, when turned on to something new, will take it literally, chunking whole pieces under a beat and acting like they just broke music open. Swizz did the exact opposite with Justice’s “D.A.N.C.E.,” taking a lyric snippet out of its context, hearing something no one else would and making something weirder than anyone else tried in mainstream rap production last year. And it’s not even a big deal because he does weird shit all the time.

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Jewel Muff Party Time


I have a friend called Lewis.  Me and his Mum call him Lewy Pooey.  Lewy Pooey loves being called Lewy Pooey.  He always says to me “call me Lewy Pooey”.  So I do.

I like Lewy Pooey for lots and lots of reasons.  I like him because he wears vests, but not under things to keep him warm, he wears them like normal people wear t-shirts.  I think this is great.  Even when it snows Lewy Pooey will wear just a vest.  I think he is really strong and tough.

Lewy Pooey has a harmonica necklace.  I think this is really cool and groovy and it’s great because he lets me blow it and everyone goes “wow” and it makes me feel special.

He has a hat that people say he wears because he is getting a bit thin on top, but I think he wears it because it makes him look ultra fab.

But my very best favourite thing about Lewy poey is that he has a tooth that he can take out of his face whenever he wants.  I would love to have a tooth I could take out of my face whenever I want. Sometimes Lewy pooey will do it to girls and they will get shocked and say “I am shocked”.  We laugh at them.  ALOT!  Stupid cows.

We’re having a party soon.  It’s not our birthdays or anything, we just LOVE being the centre of attention.  We are having a Jewel and Ear Muff Party because it’s National Jewel Day and National Ear Muff Day.  Lewy Pooey said that the bloody Yanks have all sorts of crap like that.  I don’t know what that means but yank sounds like that rude thing that makes you go blind.  And he said crap, so I laughed alot!  Ha ha.

My very good friend Harold made us a flyer for our party.  The Queen looks really really funny because her hat is on all wonky and her coat is well bright.  I hurts my eyes when I look at it.  I don’t know the other man but he has a strange head.  He must be really old because he has lots of saggy skin on his face.  The Queen has lots and lots of money that she works really hard for because she is the Queen, I think that she should pay for the saggy skin face man to have some plastic surgery to make his face not so ugly.

Non-elected spongers not welcome

I’m pleased that Harold made us our flyer yesterday because he was very unwell last night.  Matt the Cat found Harold standing in a puddle of red vomit in his socks.  Matt the Cat said he looked like a sad puppy.  I hope that Harold is ok and that he doesn’t look at anything like the saggy face mans face, he’ll definitely be sick again! Yuck!

I am looking forward to our party.  We are getting a big scary man to come and make sure that nobody has any arguments.  He will be my big scary man for the day, and because it will also be my party, if somebody is horrible to me I will get the big scary man to bonk them on the head and throw them in the bin.

I wish I could have a big scary man with me all the time.  There alot of people I would make him bonk over the head and throw in the bin.  I would set him on that man called Dave who rides a bike and doesn’t wear a tie and tells everyone that he is the best man that anyone has ever seen and he will make everything ok again.  I think he’s a prat.

I would do a moony on his face when he was in the bin and say.  Ha ha Dave.  Sniff my arse Dave.  Your bike is broken Dave.  You’re going to have to walk home Dave.

You cunt.

Beware of me and my scary man!!!

RnR

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As a general rule of thumb, band DJ sets suck dick.


I was planning to fill you in on New Year.  I can’t be arsed.  I’m so bored of talking about it.  It was alright.

We made a last minute decision to go to 93 Feet East.  I always give the place the benefit of the doubt as I’ve had some great times in there over the years, but it’s not been great for quite a while now.

Since the Spitalfields regeneration and the  gradual movement of the high street into the area, the bars have inevitably taken a massive nose dive.  They give it a good crack bless ’em with the nights they put on, but unfortunately shops and restaurants set the tone for an area and there’s no getting away from the fact that around Brick Lane it’s fast becoming just another boring high street.

People who think All Saints is  an anywhere near a credible brand, and eating in Giraffe isn’t just something you do if you can’t be bothered to walk anywhere else, well, they’re not the sort of folk who are going to be creating a good vibe for your evenings entertainment are they?  How many interesting people do you know who have ram skulls on their jumpers?……the answer to that is none…..if you think you do then I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re wrong.  Nice, friendly and a laugh they may be, but interesting they ain’t.  Superficial?  You bet.

Anyway.  That’s not what I want to talk about.  I might do something in more depth on Brick Lane soon, what with the East London line extension on it’s way, there’s going to be alot of social issues surrounding the area in the coming years.  There’s going to be some interesting debates to be had.  I say debates.  I mean me telling you what’s right.

Right then.  NYE.  We had Wild Beasts and Doves DJ sets.  Now, I’m a big fan of Wild Beasts.  Their album Two Dancers would be in my top 3 of 2009 and Doves, everyone likes them right?  But what’s the deal with bands doing DJ sets now days? It’s got massively out of hand over the past few years.


I’ve got nothing against it if they’re good, but I reckon a good 80% of them really haven’t got a fucking clue.  I’m not suggesting they don’t know anything about music, most of them are fairly successful musicians and you don’t get that unless you’ve got some vague musical ability.  But there’s alot more to DJ’ing than just playing tunes you like, which is essentially what this lot are doing.

I’m not after technical turntable ability, I couldn’t really care less if you can seamlessly mix a couple of tunes, but the lack of any sort of coherence between one track and the next is just fucking annoying.  Don’t build me up with Dirty Projectors one minute and slap me onto the floor with Beyonce the next (I like Beyonce by the way, just not next to experimental Rock).   It’s even more annoying to think that they probably get paid a shit load more than someone who’s a million times better but who doesn’t have a ticket selling name.

Worse than band DJ sets, are sets from little arseholes like Peaches fucking Geldoff.  Not only does she not have any musical ability, that “musician” Father of hers who made her famous didn’t even have any! I imagine her friends bands are pretty terrible, but if she was at least getting her grubby mitts on early releases and stuff like that you could maybe understand it, but you just know that she’s playing Cindy Lauper in some uber ironic way while trying to muster a smile out of that simpleton meat face of hers.

I’m done.

Oh and by the way, for any jokers out there.  I am aware that Doves were formerly Sub Sub (hits include Ain’t no love, ain’t no use) and they have quite a credible DJ history at The Hacienda.  I wouldn’t lump them in with the rest if they hadn’t played at least a half of the As Heard on Radio Soulwax album in one hit.

RnR!

Make sure you listen to the Dirty Projectors tune.  It’s ace!

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