Tag Archives: Dorset

We went on a lovely trip ‚Äď Part 2


Right I’ll jump straight in.

Day 2 was Lewy’s actual birfdee, after the excitement of a very well prepared treasure hunt, we all sang happy birthday and cut the cake. Lewy got all embarrassed. He said he didn’t like being the centre of attention, which is utter bull-cum if you ask me. He spends most of his life with his guns out and wearing pink trainers.

For a guy in his mid 20’s he got a disproportionate amount of meerkat themed gifts. They’re his favourite animal you see. Personally I prefer elephants, sloths and alpaca’s, but then I’m a proper geezer.

Horse hounds Mummy done us proud yet again with a wonderful picnic, and we all headed off on another road trip.

This time our destination was a little place called Tyneham. The village had to be evacuated “temporarily” in 1943 so that the surrounding 7,500 acres of land could be used for military testing during WWII. The village still remains; although as the area continues to be used for testing, it only operates as an attraction………when they’re not blowing shit up.

The old school still stands with examples of students work, the old piano, clothes pegs etc:

It’s a bit like my old Comprehensive in Essex really. I imagine if kids were still there they’d be calling the teachers slags, the boys would be trying to finger girls during English and the birds would be stuffing tissue in their bras and look like they’d been shot in the face with a make-up gun.

This is the church. I’m Catholic and go to church every week. Those people who think that human people evolved from monkeys ‘n’ all that are fucking mental. God created EVERYTHING in 6 days and stuck his feet up on Sunday to watch Eve get her baps out in that garden.

The plan was to follow our walking map on a 3 mile stroll up the hill, find a nice spot, eat our nosh and roll back. Here we are exuberantly setting off. Take note of the yellow markers and “Military Firing Range. Keep Out” sign. They were later to be our downfall.

You may be able to just about make out the rocky and frankly treacherous terrain. We were ill equipped. Apart from Gem Dog who was wearing very sensible pink Chuck Taylors. She’s such a country bumpkin!

Now. We made it to the top of the hill despite my leathered soled brogues and the birds plimsoles. Although I did nearly sprain my ankle a couple of times ūüė¶

This is the spot we picked to bust out the picnic. I’ll tell you what. Sitting up there with that view and a bit of pork pie is probably my idea of heaven. I bloody love pork pie. If Gem Dogs Mum had been there at that point I would have kissed her face.

Again I’ve helpfully marked out our route, only this time we left the map reading to the two tarts. So instead of heading down to this beautiful little cove, having a bit of a paddle and then back down to the village, they decided it would be better for us to carry on walking along the cliffs.

Don’t get me wrong, the cliffs were amazing, but I’m not exactly Hasslehoff. I burn under the lights at work. Spending more than 12 minutes outside in anything warmer than 16 oC is going to end in tears. It might not look that far this route but IT WAS VERY HILLY.

We were pretty tired but luckily Gem Dog brought along some nitrous oxide so we all sat down and had a couple of balloons half way down.

She’s always thinking that girl. Some of the idiots we walked past had water and back-packs. Fucking dicks.

When we got to the bottom we saw a beach. Brilliant. We can have a paddle and and head back along the sea. It’ll be wonderful.

Nope!

Now by this time we were all pretty tired and slightly heady from the sun and laughing gas. We sat down and worked out that we were still about 5 miles from the car in either direction. Turning back wasn’t an option what with all those hills and judging by the numerous burnt out tanks along the route, I don’t think they were joking about the potential of losing a leg. Given the location you could say we were in a veritable no mans land. HA! A bit of war humour there.

Anyway. I’m a bit bored now. We ploughed on. The bird moaned. We went to the pub. I had the lamb, the girls had fish, I can’t remember what Lewis had. Then we drove home stopping at Wembley Maccers for a Mc Flurry. Mine was grim.

The end.

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We went on a lovely trip – Part 1


I have a feeling that this post could end up being pretty epic. If like me,¬†you have a tendency to scroll down the page before you start reading anything, do not be deterred…..it’ll all be worth it. ¬†Believe.

Right then. ¬†Me and the tart and Lewy Pooey and his horse hound all headed down to Dorset the other weekend in aid of Pooey’s birfdee.

Day 1 of our activities began on the Saturday:

We all jumped in the Almera and headed off. ¬†To get where we were going we had to get on the Studland chain ferry. ¬†I was very excited. ¬†I was a bit sad that the crossing wasn’t a bit longer as it looked like it would be a thrilling trip, but when we got out onto the huge expanse of ocean I was glad that it wasn’t too far as the water was SO choppy I thought that we might all perish. ¬†Luckily the captain was very experienced and he managed to save us from certain death.

Artist impression

Whilst we were crossing Gemdog informed us that Studland has the most popular nudist beach in the UK. ¬†Luckily it was quite cloudy and a touch windy so we didn’t see any cocks or fanny’s. ¬†Phew! ¬†YUK!

To celebrate not seeing an old boys old boy, we stopped off at this big hairy pub and had a drink.  I had a pint of ale because I am a big strong man.  The tarts had a half and Lewy had a pint of 7% cider because he is sensible and was driving.

It is a very lovely pub isn’t it? ¬†Lewy wanted some cash-back. ¬†They were very¬†accommodating and said he could have as much as he wanted. ¬†He got ¬£50.

Whilst in the garden we decided to get a picture of birthday boy and his TWO new camera’s. ¬†Luckily Gem dog has an I-Groan, otherwise we would’ve had to take brass rubbing of his face. ¬†Which would’ve been ridiculous! We didn’t even have any crayons!!

Lewey was wearing his new trousers. ¬†He loved them he did. ¬†He kept rubbing his legs and saying how nice they felt. ¬†It made me feel awkward. ¬†Like when you can’t stop thinking about wanking and you’re in the same room as your Nan.

After our drinks we headed down to the sea, where I skimmed stones and everyone on the beach watched in awe. ¬†My technique is second to none. ¬†We also wrote “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEWIS” in the sand. ¬†I drew some balloons around the text to liven it up a bit. ¬†The bird said they were shit. ¬†She always has to go a ruin and nice moment. ¬†We went back to the car because she had fucked everything up!….and it was a bit chilly.

I think the balloons are alright.....

Back in the Almera we made our way to Swanage.  I had never been to Swanage, but my old school chums went there on a field trip.  My mate told me that it was one of the best weeks of his life.  I was very excited!

Not a little slapper in sight ūüė¶

I had been told it was utopia of slags and 4 litre bottles of cider, imagine my¬†disappointment then when we were greeted by a 1940’s street party! ¬†Gutted. ¬†Still, there was a 40 something woman singing “Johnny be Good” and she had massive fun bags. ¬† Rough with the smooth I ‘spose.

We went to the arcade and tried to make our fortune. ¬†I think those 10p slot machines where you try and win more 10p’s are AMAZING! ¬†Now they’ve even put five pound notes and¬†jewellery in there with them. ¬†It’s like a little bit of Vegas right in Dorset. ¬†While we were there Lewy and Gem dog won these guys. ¬†I had my sunglasses nicked. ¬†Everyone’s a winner!

I also bought a pair of 80’s brown Clarks loafers from Help the Aged. ¬†I got a great deal at ¬£6.99. ¬†In London they would’ve been at least ¬£30. ¬†Although I did feel bad because vintage shops in London only charge so much because they like to give much more money to¬†charity¬†than those Dorset bastards! ¬†I shall write a cheque for the difference to Beyond Retro.

We said our goodbyes to Swanage with a 99 and headed on towards Corfe Castle.

This is Corfe Castle. ¬† We planned on walking up and taking a look around but none of us could be fucked and they were taking six quid. ¬†That’s a couple of beers down there so we went to the pub to relax.

Corfe Castle is in Wareham. Gem dog told us that Enid Blyton based Noddy’s toy town on Wareham. ¬†It had a little steam train and everything. ¬†I really liked these that were in all the shops. ¬†I especially liked it when I saw a little boys parents buying him one as a souvenier….awwwwww.

The tart tried to convince me that me that Enid Blyton was a bit of racist. ¬†She’s a wolly!

When we got home Gem Dogs Mum said that the village shop at Corfe Castle had been on Mary Queen of shops that week.  It was pretty strange as we had bought some stuff from there.  Mary is good at her job obviously.  I was a bit gutted we missed Mary.  I definitely would.

Yum yum yum.

In the evening we went to Poole harbour. ¬†We sat and had a glass of Rose and watched a drunk girl get taken away by the police. ¬†She asked the policemen what she was “sposed ta ‘ave done”, they said “you know what happened”, “no I don’t” came the reply. ¬†You “headbutted her didn’t you”. ¬†“Oh”.

We moved on. ¬†Loads of people were dressed as pirates a bit further on which was FUN!¬†¬†Nice old style pirates I mean, the ones that say “arrrgghhh me hearty” and that. ¬†Not those mad brown ones with speed boats and machine guns who say “give me your boat or I shoot dis woman in her face. ¬†They’re awful they are those ones.

The highlight of the day for the girls was when we were in the taxi and “Nelly – Ride wit me” came on. ¬†Me and Lewy Poeey absolutely fucking smashed it mate. ¬†Taxi driver was lovin’ it!

If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

Ok. ¬†So we’re only at day 1 and day 2 was better than day 1. ¬†I think¬†I’ll¬†have to do this in two parts.

Still to come in part 2…..a treasure hunt…..deserted towns….wrong turns…..nitrous¬†oxide……..military testing and our 1st McFlurry in 4 years.

Hold tight!!

RnR!!

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