Tag Archives: fashion

Bestival – Gem Dog’s wee hole


I'd She Wee on his head. I'd She Shit on his head.

The plan was to do loads of Bestival posts last week, but between you and me I’ve been struggling.  I’ve felt progressively worse every day since last Tuesday.  I was pretty sure  I’d be dead by today.

I’m not though.  Look! Here I am! Hello!  I feel much better now, thanks for asking.

There’s too many black holes holes in my memory to be able take you through our weekend as it happened, so what I thought I’d do is just post stuff as/when they come back to me.

One of the first things  I had written in my notebook that came to mind was:

“Gemdog and her wee hole”

Because girls are such dirty little buggers and piss everywhere when they go toilet, they have to hover above the seat when they have a wee otherwise they’ll get other people’s slash all over their bum-cheeks.  It must be an awful strain on their legs.  I think that’s why a lot of girls have such big thighs.

Gemdog brought a thing called a “she wee” with her so that she could have a wee standing up like a civilised human man.  We had a bit of trouble figuring out which way round it went but then Lewy said that “It don’t go that way round, underneath is where ya wee ‘ole is”.  He is very bright and we managed to work it out.

I thought the “She Wee” was a very good idea but one of the other girls with us didn’t think it would work because you couldn’t control how fast your wee came out and it would go all over your hands.

I don’t think this girl wee’d like normal people.  I think she had a sort of trap door wee hole where you pulled a cord and it all came gushing out at once.  Kind of like on Noel’s House Party when all those bent heads get gunged…’cept it weren’t gunge it was pissssssssss.

The same girl also gave some bloke a blowjob down an alley way in Torremolinos with a kebab in one hand and the cock in the other.

She also wanks at work and everyone at work knows that she wanks at work, so when she comes back from having a wank at work all the boys at work sniff their fingers.  I said to her “how do the boys know you wank at work?”.  She said “because I always go in the disabled toilet coz it’s got a full length mirror”……..”and I told them that I wank at work”.

She was very nice but made me a bit uneasy.

Bye bye.

RnR xx

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We went on a lovely trip – Part 2


Right I’ll jump straight in.

Day 2 was Lewy’s actual birfdee, after the excitement of a very well prepared treasure hunt, we all sang happy birthday and cut the cake. Lewy got all embarrassed. He said he didn’t like being the centre of attention, which is utter bull-cum if you ask me. He spends most of his life with his guns out and wearing pink trainers.

For a guy in his mid 20’s he got a disproportionate amount of meerkat themed gifts. They’re his favourite animal you see. Personally I prefer elephants, sloths and alpaca’s, but then I’m a proper geezer.

Horse hounds Mummy done us proud yet again with a wonderful picnic, and we all headed off on another road trip.

This time our destination was a little place called Tyneham. The village had to be evacuated “temporarily” in 1943 so that the surrounding 7,500 acres of land could be used for military testing during WWII. The village still remains; although as the area continues to be used for testing, it only operates as an attraction………when they’re not blowing shit up.

The old school still stands with examples of students work, the old piano, clothes pegs etc:

It’s a bit like my old Comprehensive in Essex really. I imagine if kids were still there they’d be calling the teachers slags, the boys would be trying to finger girls during English and the birds would be stuffing tissue in their bras and look like they’d been shot in the face with a make-up gun.

This is the church. I’m Catholic and go to church every week. Those people who think that human people evolved from monkeys ‘n’ all that are fucking mental. God created EVERYTHING in 6 days and stuck his feet up on Sunday to watch Eve get her baps out in that garden.

The plan was to follow our walking map on a 3 mile stroll up the hill, find a nice spot, eat our nosh and roll back. Here we are exuberantly setting off. Take note of the yellow markers and “Military Firing Range. Keep Out” sign. They were later to be our downfall.

You may be able to just about make out the rocky and frankly treacherous terrain. We were ill equipped. Apart from Gem Dog who was wearing very sensible pink Chuck Taylors. She’s such a country bumpkin!

Now. We made it to the top of the hill despite my leathered soled brogues and the birds plimsoles. Although I did nearly sprain my ankle a couple of times 😦

This is the spot we picked to bust out the picnic. I’ll tell you what. Sitting up there with that view and a bit of pork pie is probably my idea of heaven. I bloody love pork pie. If Gem Dogs Mum had been there at that point I would have kissed her face.

Again I’ve helpfully marked out our route, only this time we left the map reading to the two tarts. So instead of heading down to this beautiful little cove, having a bit of a paddle and then back down to the village, they decided it would be better for us to carry on walking along the cliffs.

Don’t get me wrong, the cliffs were amazing, but I’m not exactly Hasslehoff. I burn under the lights at work. Spending more than 12 minutes outside in anything warmer than 16 oC is going to end in tears. It might not look that far this route but IT WAS VERY HILLY.

We were pretty tired but luckily Gem Dog brought along some nitrous oxide so we all sat down and had a couple of balloons half way down.

She’s always thinking that girl. Some of the idiots we walked past had water and back-packs. Fucking dicks.

When we got to the bottom we saw a beach. Brilliant. We can have a paddle and and head back along the sea. It’ll be wonderful.

Nope!

Now by this time we were all pretty tired and slightly heady from the sun and laughing gas. We sat down and worked out that we were still about 5 miles from the car in either direction. Turning back wasn’t an option what with all those hills and judging by the numerous burnt out tanks along the route, I don’t think they were joking about the potential of losing a leg. Given the location you could say we were in a veritable no mans land. HA! A bit of war humour there.

Anyway. I’m a bit bored now. We ploughed on. The bird moaned. We went to the pub. I had the lamb, the girls had fish, I can’t remember what Lewis had. Then we drove home stopping at Wembley Maccers for a Mc Flurry. Mine was grim.

The end.

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The Creators Project – Battles – United Visual Artists


Where have you been I hear you cry!?

Well….the thing is…..sometimes I’m so busy being fucking brilliant in the real world that I forget about you lot……that and I’ve just recently discovered Mario Kart.  It’s been taking up an awful lot of my time it has.

Granted I might be about 10 years behind you geeky fucks that have to buy everything as soon as it comes out, but I’m absolutely all over this shit.  I’ve kind of mastered up to the Star Cup at 150cc and now I’m trying to use different characters other than Mario.

I’m finding it a bit difficult adjusting my style to fit the others attributes to be honest.   Peach is a bit too lightweight for my aggressive technique.  Bowser is very cumbersome.  Yoshi, Toad and Luigi look/sound like utter cock sticks…….and don’t even get me started on Donkey Kong.  I can’t bear that cunt.

I was going to attempt a video blog on it, but after filming myself playing, the only footage was essentially me repeatedly screaming: “SLAG“…..”SHIT“……”FUCK“……”ARSEHOLE“….and leaning so far out of shot to try and get round a corner that it was pretty much useless.  Vaguely amusing, but useless.

I decided to show you this instead.  Battles have been one of my favourites for a long time now.  Their gig at The Astoria was not only the best gig I went to in 2008, but one of my best full stop.

The combination of the music and the lighting is something else.  I’m never quite sure who knocks up the visuals for shows like theirs.  I assumed (rather stupidly) that the band themselves would pull it together.  Especially now with people having alot more technology at their disposal.  This landed in my in-box this afternoon and now all is clear.

United Visual Artists have worked on a number of things for Battles and Massive Attack, as well as art installations and shows for fashion houses such as Y3.

All of their stuff is pretty mind-blowing, but it’s the work with Battles really works for me.  To totally “get” what they are about and come up with something so perfect for the sound is no mean feat.  They do it fucking brilliantly.

This is one of my fav tunes and if you watch the video you’ll completely understand what I mean about the synergy between audio/visual.

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I won’t leave it so long between posts this time.  I’m off to Dorset this weekend for Lewy Pooey’s birthday.  He’s a bit of a prat so he’ll probably give me plenty of fuel for all of our amusement.

Easy

RnR

more about “The Creators Project – Battles – Uni…“, posted with vodpod

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My 1st trip to the doctor in 3 years


Had to register with a new doctors last week.  Went in to pick up some new patient forms.  They also give you a little pot to take away and bring back full of wee week.  The handover’s a bit embarrassing but at least it gives you a chance to flush yourself out a bit before you give it in.  My appointment was in the morning, it’s never giving a piss sample first thing is it?  All Oringina-y and stinking of sugar puffs.

To get a nice colouring I had planned to fill it up the night before, but it slipped my mind.  I had to get up early and down a few pints of water to thin it out a bit.  I didn’t think it was going to work its way through in time but I just managed to force a decent one out and get there on time.

It was still quite warm so there was a fair bit of condensation in there as well.  I don’t know if that affects the results.  I was going to pop it in the fridge for a bit but I was in a mad rush.   I’m not sure if they give you any feedback or if they just pop a bit of litmus paper in there and see how you compare to various bars of soap.

I got a bit confused and tried to hand it to the receptionist with my forms.  To see someone recoil from your pot isn’t a nice feeling, especially after going to all that effort.  God knows what her reaction would’ve been if it had of been the first slash of the day.  I had to scramble it red faced back into my pocket.  It’s weird sitting there with everyone aware that you’ve got piss in your cardigan pocket.

While I was waiting I got talking to a old guy called Stanley.  Stanley Rag.  He was nice.  I don’t know what it is about doctors surgery’s that makes people think they can tell a stranger about their reasons for being there.  He was telling me in quite a bit of detail about his kidney infection and how much it hurt when he went to the toilet.  He was being quite candid and I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed, so I told him about the piss handover fiasco to try and make it a, we’re all in this together chat.  He didn’t really seem interested.

I would help any of these women pick their leggings out of their fanny. Apart from Paris Hilton. I'd push hers further up. Maybe out of her mouth.

He also said that he has a cupboard full of pots and he occasionally just pops into the hospital unannounced with a little sample to see what’s going on.  I think Stanley is great.  I got the impression that the staff though he was a bit of a pain in arse though.

Poor ol’ Stanley, I think he just gets bored and wee’s in stuff to keep himself occupied.  I hope I live to an age where I can get away with shit like that.

I’ve got to go to the asthma clinic on Monday because that’s where all the cool kids go.  Trying to swing one of those hayfever injections as well to stop me being such a fucking baby for 4 months.  I’ll let you know how get on obviously.  I know you’re riveted.

Oh.  I almost forgot.  While I was waiting I saw a lady pick her leggings out of her fanny.  I’d never seen anyone do that before.  Perhaps if you have a hungry fanny then tight leggings aren’t really for you.

RnR!

p.s. I have normal blood pressure.  I’m 14 stone 2 pounds and a couple of cm’s short of six feet three inches.  I also have nice hair and a handsome face but the nurse didn’t put that on my forms because she’s a twat.

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LCD Soundsystem – Drunk Girls


I’ve been hearing mixed reviews of the new and final album from LCD Soundsystem….I’ve not heard much of it so I’ll reserve judgement for now….although to be fair it’s going to be have to be complete and utter shit for me not to like it.

They can do very little wrong in my eyes. James Murphy’s a fucking dude inhe.

This is the video for the new single Drunk Girls.  One take, they don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s carnage. It’s ace……and Nancy Whang…..ker-fucking-ching!!

I’ll be seeing them at Bestival this year…..hopefully dressed as Care Bear.

That’ll be nice.

RnR

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There’s always one dickhead that forgets it’s non-school uniform day!


A page from my leavers book

Saw a boy on the bus today who had forgotten it was last day of term at school and was wearing his uniform.  All his mates were in their jeans giving him grief.  There’s always one dickhead!

I was pretty close to jumping into the argument and fighting his corner though to be honest.  I’d rather be in uniform, save the quid and not have to wear an Ed Hardy t-shirt.   You can imagine them in lessons today getting fuck all done, just whispering about what girl’s looking the best in their tightest casual clobber.  Lucky boys!

It’s a great day to check out how the birds are filling out, and if you played your cards right you could secure yourself a nice little toss off.  Them were the days.

I always used to raid my brothers wardrobe on non-uniform days.  A fine selection of Ben Sherman’s and denim jackets, had to race home and get them off before he got back from work and I got the old “who’s the king….say I’m the king” treatment though.

I was the da main man 3 times a year.  Well, I thought I was anyway.  I didn’t get much action though.  Probably a bit too unapproachable I reckon.  Yeah, that must’ve been it.  I know the girls loved my highlights.  Knocked ’em bandy they did.

I remember being in my final year and a 1st year rocked up on the last day of term with a carrier bag full of games.  I used to love that in Primary.  A day of eating party rings and playing top trumps.

Poor little bastard, what a massive fail.  Probably went through 5 years of senior school always being known as the fuckwit who bought in Pop up Pirate.  He got massive beats for that, and relieved of his games.  Best day in the common room that day playing Buckaroo…well….apart from when the proper nuaghty lad shut our head of year’s fingers in the door.  That was pretty cool.

I hated school but I loved that all that playground shit.  Dead legs, camel bites, peanuts and cupping farts in you mates face while all the girls sit around reading Smash Hits and bemoaning the fact that we were “SO immature!”.  Cars don’t make the man you know.  Being able to wipe bogey’s on your teacher without them noticing is pretty fucking hot as well.   Stupid cows.

Ummmmmm.  I’ve kind of of lost the point of what I was going to write about now.

Oh yeah.  Our unscrupulous landlords are kicking us out of our Hackney Palace so I’m moving in with the bit of fluff this weekend.  Got ourselves a nice little gaff just around the corner in Hackney proper. The bird’s obviously well chuffed getting to have me to herself.

What a way to spend a 4 day weekend.  Moving shit and trips to Wilko’s for toilet brushes and bath mats.  Right laugh!

I’ve got a stag do, a house move and the breaking-up of me and Harry Malteaster to fill you in on, but I guess I’ll do all that next week.

Have a wonderful Easter.  If I were you girls I’d steer clear of the eggs.  Summer’s just round the corner and most of you could probably do with shifting some timber, not putting it on.

Bye de byeeee.

RnR!

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Chris Cairns/Beardyman >> Holographic Performance


Saw this about a month ago but I couldn’t quite figure out how to lift it.   Not even the geekiest of my super geek friends could work it out.   What’s the point of wasting your time with dweebs if they can’t even help you out with the stuff you’re too cool to learn yourself.

Sort yourselves out lads or I’ll trade you in!

Anyway, I got there in the end.

It’s another instalment from the boy Cairns after this sensational Scratch Perverts stuff I bought you a while back.

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It’s pretty mind blowing.  He’s a clever boy inhe.  Yes he is

Harsh!

RnR!

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