Tag Archives: Holiday

We went to Thailand, so what? – Part 1

Done in two parts, this is everything you need to know about my holiday. If there’s something within these posts that you genuinely want to ask me about, then I’ll consider elaborating, but essentially this is it.  No need to ask me if I had a good time.

Here we go then, let’s get this out of the way.

Gemdog gave us a heads up of a nice little place to stay in Bangkok that had a pool on the roof.  The room had a 12 inch old style TV (NOT FLAT SCREEN) that was mounted in the top left corner of the room.  It had a few channels, most of which were FOREIGN.  We ended up having to watch the news most of time, which was alright actually as there were a load of other FOREIGNERS chucking stuff at the police n that and it looked a bit like a film.  It was in Choonizia.  They looked really angry and I thought “my God!, don’t tell me they’ve raised tuition fees there as well!?”.  Turns out that they were just unhappy with borin shit like corruption and human rights abuses, they didn’t even seem to have bothered making amusing placards.  Lazy.

In Thailand they have shit roll but you MUST NOT put the shit roll down the toilet.  You have to wipe your bum and put the shit roll in the bin.  As well as shit roll they have a bum-hose.  The bum hose is the more traditional way to wipe your bum.  It blasts the skids from your anus with a jet of water.  The bum hose in Bangkok was of medium ferocity.  I mostly got the back of my balls on my1st attempt.  I sat there for a bit waiting for them to dry but I got bored so just went out with soggy balls.

We didn’t use the pool.

After a couple of days we flew down to Phuket.  I could wax lyrical about Phuket.  The sights and sounds of Patong, the beach, the views……but one thing stands out….the cocktails.


You'd pay what? £8 maybe £9 for this in London.....£1.40.

We got a boat from Phuket down to Phi-Phi.  I quite like boats.  This boat was ok but not the best boat I’ve ever been on.  The best boat I’ve ever been on was the Folkstone to Calais Sea Cat when me and Dad went over to Eastenders to get a load of Old Holborn to knock out to his mates at work.

I thought the trip might be a bit boring but I couldn’t have been more wrong!  First they played an Eric Clapton concert and then Mr Bean.  When they cut Mr Bean mid-episode (does anyone know how he actually gets on at the dentist!!!??) I was pretty pissed off, but we were arriving at Phi-Phi.

Friends had tried to tell me just how beautiful the island is, but nothing could prepare me.  Words, or at least my words, simply cannot do it justice.  Fortunately we had the digital SLR at hand for such moments.  As I took this shot I thought our memory card might just fucking BLOW UP there was so much to take in.

Hard to believe that this was one of the hardest hit places by the Tsunami.

The place we had planned to stay was fully booked so we just winged it when we were there.  We ended up in a room with an 18 inch LCD TV with some pretty decent channels.  There was an alright film channel and we watched one where a young cheerleader is regularly raped by her Dad and another one where these kids have their throats ripped out by rabid dogs.  It was very sunny.

I thought I had cracked how to properly operate the bum hose, but the one on Phi-Phi was much more ferocious than previous ones. It was so strong that it blasted my willy out of the way and I sprayed the wall.

The toliet itself didn’t have a flush, but they did supply a bucket which you had to fill up with water from the bumhose and pour down the bog.  Luckily for me I got food poisoning from some chicken on a stick while we were here.  I quite enjoyed having to stare at my puke while I filled up the bum hose flush bucket.  I poured too much water down one time and it was touch and go whether the chicken on stick puke and the bum hose flush water would breach the top of the bowl.  It didn’t.

The sun-sets on Phi-Phi are unlike anything I’ve experienced before.  The light dances across the water, accentuainting the piercing white spray from the wake of the elaboratrly adorned long tails.  Transforming the lush green limestone hill-sides into dark arms that appear to embrace you, seeming ly offering protection from the almost supernatural ocean.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Little known fact: Phi-Phi is backward cap wearing fuck stick capital of the world.

I’ll leave it there for now, I’m aware that it’s alot to take in.

Part 2 to follow tomorrow….maybe.



Filed under Travel

Bestival – Gem Dog’s wee hole

I'd She Wee on his head. I'd She Shit on his head.

The plan was to do loads of Bestival posts last week, but between you and me I’ve been struggling.  I’ve felt progressively worse every day since last Tuesday.  I was pretty sure  I’d be dead by today.

I’m not though.  Look! Here I am! Hello!  I feel much better now, thanks for asking.

There’s too many black holes holes in my memory to be able take you through our weekend as it happened, so what I thought I’d do is just post stuff as/when they come back to me.

One of the first things  I had written in my notebook that came to mind was:

“Gemdog and her wee hole”

Because girls are such dirty little buggers and piss everywhere when they go toilet, they have to hover above the seat when they have a wee otherwise they’ll get other people’s slash all over their bum-cheeks.  It must be an awful strain on their legs.  I think that’s why a lot of girls have such big thighs.

Gemdog brought a thing called a “she wee” with her so that she could have a wee standing up like a civilised human man.  We had a bit of trouble figuring out which way round it went but then Lewy said that “It don’t go that way round, underneath is where ya wee ‘ole is”.  He is very bright and we managed to work it out.

I thought the “She Wee” was a very good idea but one of the other girls with us didn’t think it would work because you couldn’t control how fast your wee came out and it would go all over your hands.

I don’t think this girl wee’d like normal people.  I think she had a sort of trap door wee hole where you pulled a cord and it all came gushing out at once.  Kind of like on Noel’s House Party when all those bent heads get gunged…’cept it weren’t gunge it was pissssssssss.

The same girl also gave some bloke a blowjob down an alley way in Torremolinos with a kebab in one hand and the cock in the other.

She also wanks at work and everyone at work knows that she wanks at work, so when she comes back from having a wank at work all the boys at work sniff their fingers.  I said to her “how do the boys know you wank at work?”.  She said “because I always go in the disabled toilet coz it’s got a full length mirror”……..”and I told them that I wank at work”.

She was very nice but made me a bit uneasy.

Bye bye.

RnR xx

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We went on a lovely trip – Part 2

Right I’ll jump straight in.

Day 2 was Lewy’s actual birfdee, after the excitement of a very well prepared treasure hunt, we all sang happy birthday and cut the cake. Lewy got all embarrassed. He said he didn’t like being the centre of attention, which is utter bull-cum if you ask me. He spends most of his life with his guns out and wearing pink trainers.

For a guy in his mid 20’s he got a disproportionate amount of meerkat themed gifts. They’re his favourite animal you see. Personally I prefer elephants, sloths and alpaca’s, but then I’m a proper geezer.

Horse hounds Mummy done us proud yet again with a wonderful picnic, and we all headed off on another road trip.

This time our destination was a little place called Tyneham. The village had to be evacuated “temporarily” in 1943 so that the surrounding 7,500 acres of land could be used for military testing during WWII. The village still remains; although as the area continues to be used for testing, it only operates as an attraction………when they’re not blowing shit up.

The old school still stands with examples of students work, the old piano, clothes pegs etc:

It’s a bit like my old Comprehensive in Essex really. I imagine if kids were still there they’d be calling the teachers slags, the boys would be trying to finger girls during English and the birds would be stuffing tissue in their bras and look like they’d been shot in the face with a make-up gun.

This is the church. I’m Catholic and go to church every week. Those people who think that human people evolved from monkeys ‘n’ all that are fucking mental. God created EVERYTHING in 6 days and stuck his feet up on Sunday to watch Eve get her baps out in that garden.

The plan was to follow our walking map on a 3 mile stroll up the hill, find a nice spot, eat our nosh and roll back. Here we are exuberantly setting off. Take note of the yellow markers and “Military Firing Range. Keep Out” sign. They were later to be our downfall.

You may be able to just about make out the rocky and frankly treacherous terrain. We were ill equipped. Apart from Gem Dog who was wearing very sensible pink Chuck Taylors. She’s such a country bumpkin!

Now. We made it to the top of the hill despite my leathered soled brogues and the birds plimsoles. Although I did nearly sprain my ankle a couple of times 😦

This is the spot we picked to bust out the picnic. I’ll tell you what. Sitting up there with that view and a bit of pork pie is probably my idea of heaven. I bloody love pork pie. If Gem Dogs Mum had been there at that point I would have kissed her face.

Again I’ve helpfully marked out our route, only this time we left the map reading to the two tarts. So instead of heading down to this beautiful little cove, having a bit of a paddle and then back down to the village, they decided it would be better for us to carry on walking along the cliffs.

Don’t get me wrong, the cliffs were amazing, but I’m not exactly Hasslehoff. I burn under the lights at work. Spending more than 12 minutes outside in anything warmer than 16 oC is going to end in tears. It might not look that far this route but IT WAS VERY HILLY.

We were pretty tired but luckily Gem Dog brought along some nitrous oxide so we all sat down and had a couple of balloons half way down.

She’s always thinking that girl. Some of the idiots we walked past had water and back-packs. Fucking dicks.

When we got to the bottom we saw a beach. Brilliant. We can have a paddle and and head back along the sea. It’ll be wonderful.


Now by this time we were all pretty tired and slightly heady from the sun and laughing gas. We sat down and worked out that we were still about 5 miles from the car in either direction. Turning back wasn’t an option what with all those hills and judging by the numerous burnt out tanks along the route, I don’t think they were joking about the potential of losing a leg. Given the location you could say we were in a veritable no mans land. HA! A bit of war humour there.

Anyway. I’m a bit bored now. We ploughed on. The bird moaned. We went to the pub. I had the lamb, the girls had fish, I can’t remember what Lewis had. Then we drove home stopping at Wembley Maccers for a Mc Flurry. Mine was grim.

The end.

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Arcade and Bingo Bango Bongo!

I was going to write about our trip to Egypt but I’m so bloody bored talking about it I just can’t face it.  It’s nice that people are pretend to be interested in whether you had a good time or not, but it does get on your tits a bit going over the same stuff again and again.  The next holiday I have I’m going to invite everyone round my house for an hour-long presentation.  Let’s see how fucking interested they are after that.  You’re about as interested in my holiday as I am in yours.  Just leave it.
 In fairness there’s not really much to say about Sharm El Sheikh to be honest.  I’ve been getting a bit of stick as it’s sounded like I’ve done nothing but moan.  29 degrees everyday.  We had a laugh.  We chilled out, the girlfriend didn’t get poked by the horny faux masseuse hotel manager, we didn’t get the shits and it was Wesley Snipes weekend on Fox.  You can’t grumble too much with stats like that can you….well…actually, I do have one gripe.  If you’re going to the effort of doing a Wesley Snipes weekend and you don’t play Demolition Man then you need your fucking head checking.  Still, got to see Blade so not an entire waste.  They played this film starring Snipes and Tamzin Outhwaite…..yeah you heard right.  Tamzin. Fucking. Outhwaite.  It was called 7 Seconds.  That’s about as long as I could watch it for, and I can watch any old shit.  No surprise in learning that it was straight to DVD.
Seeing Snipes always reminds me of a story about this guy who was on my Brother-in-laws stag do.  I don’t know the full story but he ended up getting Wesley in a headlock in Prague, I think Bruce Willis was there as well.  Imagine that.  Having Snipes in a headlock, that’d be ace.  He knows a few moves but there’s only one way to get out of a headlock.  You have to go for the nuts.  Bit degrading a Hollywood star going for an Essex boys nuts though innit.  If someone knows the whole story can you fill in the blanks.  Tar.
Anyway.  Enough informative travel advice. I’m a bit pushed for time this week what with having been away an’ all.  I’ve also got to write a piece of fiction to help some guy with his MA.  I’ve got a few ideas about what to write.  Pretty much all of them involve a Geordie girl getting fingered in Church.  It sounds a bit risqué but that’s the equivalent of “you may kiss the bride” up there.  Dirty bastards.  I reckon matey’s defintely going to pass.
I came back to news that the Arcade and Bingo boys have actually started putting things up on their blog.  They’ve only had it about 12 years so I was quite surprised to see content up so quick.   I know one half of them…I don’t know if it’s Arcade or Bingo.  I imagine it’s probably Arcade.  He looks the sort who would pump all of his money into those dance machines.  I’ve seen him cut the rug and it’s pretty slick.
You should keep an eye on their page to be honest.  Although he looks about 12 his musical knowledge surpasses his boyish looks height and you should never be one to turn down free music.  Especially stuff that’s been mixed.  That’s what all the cool kids do now days apparetly.
I think that’s it about it for now to be honest.  I’m off to the Bare Bones 2nd issue exhibition on Thursday so I’ll report back on that.  I had a sneak preview of the content the other day and it was looking pretty fly.  It’s a chance to spend some more time with Harry as well, and as you know that is like one of my favourite things in this world.
Sorry for the lack of visual stimulation.  I went with the James Pants tune as a header, one of his remixes features on the Arcade and Bingo mix and this is one of my fav remixes of one of his tunes.
That’s it for now.  Must crack on with the fingering.


Filed under Funny, Music, Piss take, Uncategorized

Let’s check out that Camels toe!

Spent about 3 hours drafting a post the other day, only for my computer to crash.  Shame.  Jammed packed with my usual high brow wit, side-splitting humour and some rather clever social commentary, it was definitely the best thing you’ll never read.  Definitely.  I attempted to give it another crack but to be honest it was just making me angry going back over it all again.  I’m over it now.  Let’s just move on.

On with this one.

Finally got round to booking a last-minute get away.  Off to Egypt on Thursday.  Never really had much of a desire to go, but in mid-November it’s one of the few places you can guarantee warm weather without spending too much dough.  Got to watch the penny’s what with Xmas around the corner and a very demanding girlfriend in tow.

I always recall the booking of a holiday being quite fun when I was younger.  Used to kind of make a day of it.  Book an appointment with the travel agent, go down with all your mates, get it booked and then off to the pub to talk about who was going to pull the most slags in Magaluf.  Now you just end up sat in front of your computer for about 12 hours getting a headache.


Nah mate you wanna go for 3 weeks innit. Lemme check. Allo.....allo

No-one uses travel agents anymore do they…..well…..no-one under the age of 50.  I think my Mum’s head would implode if left to her own devices trying to sort out something on-line bless her.  She’s still figuring out how to text after 10 years of having a mobile.  Travel agents are like the lawful equivalent of those blokes who pretend to be gas men and force their way into old dears homes and won’t leave until they’ve had handed over their life savings.  No-one comes out with what they went in for.  Christ knows what 65-year-old Mary is going to do for 3 weeks in Cancun during spring break.  Still keeps Tracey in fake tan for another six months, so not all bad.

There’s too many ways to book a holiday now days.  Too many web-sites.  Too much information.  You always think you could be getting a better deal somewhere else.  It’s like looking at porn.  You start off looking for something relatively tame and some how end up looking at some dead eyed old tart going at it in a mock classroom with 9 blokes.  Well.  So I’ve been told.  They just make everything look so appalling appealing.  The bastards.

Cross referenced everything with Trip Advisor.  That’s a great read that is.  I spent 4 days after booking the holiday still doing random searches and looking at what some of the nutters had written.  We looked at so many hotels and so many reviews that we kind of took our eye off the ball.  This is one review of where we’re staying:

“DO NOT” have a massage at the Mexicana. My girlfriend had a massage as a treat on the last day. She was promised a women to it but she apparenlty she went home ill (a scam as we found out). The boss (male) did it and was arroused whilst perfroming the massage. After the message was completed he then offered the service for free if she agreed to have sex.
I will be complaining to the managment and the tour operator.
Shame really as the place is quite nice and the overall staff are friendly.
The food ok (6 out fo 10) even we all did come down with a touch of food poisening.
Would i go back…?
With the boys YES, with an attractive female definately NO

Sounds amazing right?  Jealous?  You should be!

Super hands

You want massage? I do good massage. I have strong hand.

Sounds like some elaborate story made up by the fella’s missus after she got busted shagging the manager to me.  Love the fact he still gave it 6 of 10 even after food poisoning and an erection massage.  On the plus side, if after all that he’d still go back the hotel must be nice.  Although I get the impression he’s a bit of a fucking lunatic.  We’ll see.

Looking forward to it anyway.  Hopefully I’ll be able to avoid the over eager salesmen and the pissed, rude, brick shit house Russians and get a different sort of RnR for a week.  Chill and get nicely prepared for the festive fun upon my return.  Be nice to spend a bit of time away with the girlfriend as well.  She’s been pretty busy lately so I’m going to do my best to make sure she has a lovely time. 

I’ve called ahead and arranged for a champagne reception and a rather pricey bouquet for when we arrive.  I spent a fair bit so the manager very kindly chucked in a free massage as well.  I know she’ll be chuffed with that.  Hopefully it’ll sort her right out and we can have a wonderful week.

Maa al salama….for now.



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