Tag Archives: nightlife

Bestival – Gem Dog’s wee hole


I'd She Wee on his head. I'd She Shit on his head.

The plan was to do loads of Bestival posts last week, but between you and me I’ve been struggling.  I’ve felt progressively worse every day since last Tuesday.  I was pretty sure  I’d be dead by today.

I’m not though.  Look! Here I am! Hello!  I feel much better now, thanks for asking.

There’s too many black holes holes in my memory to be able take you through our weekend as it happened, so what I thought I’d do is just post stuff as/when they come back to me.

One of the first things  I had written in my notebook that came to mind was:

“Gemdog and her wee hole”

Because girls are such dirty little buggers and piss everywhere when they go toilet, they have to hover above the seat when they have a wee otherwise they’ll get other people’s slash all over their bum-cheeks.  It must be an awful strain on their legs.  I think that’s why a lot of girls have such big thighs.

Gemdog brought a thing called a “she wee” with her so that she could have a wee standing up like a civilised human man.  We had a bit of trouble figuring out which way round it went but then Lewy said that “It don’t go that way round, underneath is where ya wee ‘ole is”.  He is very bright and we managed to work it out.

I thought the “She Wee” was a very good idea but one of the other girls with us didn’t think it would work because you couldn’t control how fast your wee came out and it would go all over your hands.

I don’t think this girl wee’d like normal people.  I think she had a sort of trap door wee hole where you pulled a cord and it all came gushing out at once.  Kind of like on Noel’s House Party when all those bent heads get gunged…’cept it weren’t gunge it was pissssssssss.

The same girl also gave some bloke a blowjob down an alley way in Torremolinos with a kebab in one hand and the cock in the other.

She also wanks at work and everyone at work knows that she wanks at work, so when she comes back from having a wank at work all the boys at work sniff their fingers.  I said to her “how do the boys know you wank at work?”.  She said “because I always go in the disabled toilet coz it’s got a full length mirror”……..”and I told them that I wank at work”.

She was very nice but made me a bit uneasy.

Bye bye.

RnR xx

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We went on a lovely trip – Part 2


Right I’ll jump straight in.

Day 2 was Lewy’s actual birfdee, after the excitement of a very well prepared treasure hunt, we all sang happy birthday and cut the cake. Lewy got all embarrassed. He said he didn’t like being the centre of attention, which is utter bull-cum if you ask me. He spends most of his life with his guns out and wearing pink trainers.

For a guy in his mid 20’s he got a disproportionate amount of meerkat themed gifts. They’re his favourite animal you see. Personally I prefer elephants, sloths and alpaca’s, but then I’m a proper geezer.

Horse hounds Mummy done us proud yet again with a wonderful picnic, and we all headed off on another road trip.

This time our destination was a little place called Tyneham. The village had to be evacuated “temporarily” in 1943 so that the surrounding 7,500 acres of land could be used for military testing during WWII. The village still remains; although as the area continues to be used for testing, it only operates as an attraction………when they’re not blowing shit up.

The old school still stands with examples of students work, the old piano, clothes pegs etc:

It’s a bit like my old Comprehensive in Essex really. I imagine if kids were still there they’d be calling the teachers slags, the boys would be trying to finger girls during English and the birds would be stuffing tissue in their bras and look like they’d been shot in the face with a make-up gun.

This is the church. I’m Catholic and go to church every week. Those people who think that human people evolved from monkeys ‘n’ all that are fucking mental. God created EVERYTHING in 6 days and stuck his feet up on Sunday to watch Eve get her baps out in that garden.

The plan was to follow our walking map on a 3 mile stroll up the hill, find a nice spot, eat our nosh and roll back. Here we are exuberantly setting off. Take note of the yellow markers and “Military Firing Range. Keep Out” sign. They were later to be our downfall.

You may be able to just about make out the rocky and frankly treacherous terrain. We were ill equipped. Apart from Gem Dog who was wearing very sensible pink Chuck Taylors. She’s such a country bumpkin!

Now. We made it to the top of the hill despite my leathered soled brogues and the birds plimsoles. Although I did nearly sprain my ankle a couple of times 😦

This is the spot we picked to bust out the picnic. I’ll tell you what. Sitting up there with that view and a bit of pork pie is probably my idea of heaven. I bloody love pork pie. If Gem Dogs Mum had been there at that point I would have kissed her face.

Again I’ve helpfully marked out our route, only this time we left the map reading to the two tarts. So instead of heading down to this beautiful little cove, having a bit of a paddle and then back down to the village, they decided it would be better for us to carry on walking along the cliffs.

Don’t get me wrong, the cliffs were amazing, but I’m not exactly Hasslehoff. I burn under the lights at work. Spending more than 12 minutes outside in anything warmer than 16 oC is going to end in tears. It might not look that far this route but IT WAS VERY HILLY.

We were pretty tired but luckily Gem Dog brought along some nitrous oxide so we all sat down and had a couple of balloons half way down.

She’s always thinking that girl. Some of the idiots we walked past had water and back-packs. Fucking dicks.

When we got to the bottom we saw a beach. Brilliant. We can have a paddle and and head back along the sea. It’ll be wonderful.

Nope!

Now by this time we were all pretty tired and slightly heady from the sun and laughing gas. We sat down and worked out that we were still about 5 miles from the car in either direction. Turning back wasn’t an option what with all those hills and judging by the numerous burnt out tanks along the route, I don’t think they were joking about the potential of losing a leg. Given the location you could say we were in a veritable no mans land. HA! A bit of war humour there.

Anyway. I’m a bit bored now. We ploughed on. The bird moaned. We went to the pub. I had the lamb, the girls had fish, I can’t remember what Lewis had. Then we drove home stopping at Wembley Maccers for a Mc Flurry. Mine was grim.

The end.

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The Creators Project – Battles – United Visual Artists


Where have you been I hear you cry!?

Well….the thing is…..sometimes I’m so busy being fucking brilliant in the real world that I forget about you lot……that and I’ve just recently discovered Mario Kart.  It’s been taking up an awful lot of my time it has.

Granted I might be about 10 years behind you geeky fucks that have to buy everything as soon as it comes out, but I’m absolutely all over this shit.  I’ve kind of mastered up to the Star Cup at 150cc and now I’m trying to use different characters other than Mario.

I’m finding it a bit difficult adjusting my style to fit the others attributes to be honest.   Peach is a bit too lightweight for my aggressive technique.  Bowser is very cumbersome.  Yoshi, Toad and Luigi look/sound like utter cock sticks…….and don’t even get me started on Donkey Kong.  I can’t bear that cunt.

I was going to attempt a video blog on it, but after filming myself playing, the only footage was essentially me repeatedly screaming: “SLAG“…..”SHIT“……”FUCK“……”ARSEHOLE“….and leaning so far out of shot to try and get round a corner that it was pretty much useless.  Vaguely amusing, but useless.

I decided to show you this instead.  Battles have been one of my favourites for a long time now.  Their gig at The Astoria was not only the best gig I went to in 2008, but one of my best full stop.

The combination of the music and the lighting is something else.  I’m never quite sure who knocks up the visuals for shows like theirs.  I assumed (rather stupidly) that the band themselves would pull it together.  Especially now with people having alot more technology at their disposal.  This landed in my in-box this afternoon and now all is clear.

United Visual Artists have worked on a number of things for Battles and Massive Attack, as well as art installations and shows for fashion houses such as Y3.

All of their stuff is pretty mind-blowing, but it’s the work with Battles really works for me.  To totally “get” what they are about and come up with something so perfect for the sound is no mean feat.  They do it fucking brilliantly.

This is one of my fav tunes and if you watch the video you’ll completely understand what I mean about the synergy between audio/visual.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I won’t leave it so long between posts this time.  I’m off to Dorset this weekend for Lewy Pooey’s birthday.  He’s a bit of a prat so he’ll probably give me plenty of fuel for all of our amusement.

Easy

RnR

more about “The Creators Project – Battles – Uni…“, posted with vodpod

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LCD Soundsystem – Drunk Girls


I’ve been hearing mixed reviews of the new and final album from LCD Soundsystem….I’ve not heard much of it so I’ll reserve judgement for now….although to be fair it’s going to be have to be complete and utter shit for me not to like it.

They can do very little wrong in my eyes. James Murphy’s a fucking dude inhe.

This is the video for the new single Drunk Girls.  One take, they don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s carnage. It’s ace……and Nancy Whang…..ker-fucking-ching!!

I’ll be seeing them at Bestival this year…..hopefully dressed as Care Bear.

That’ll be nice.

RnR

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Chris Cairns/Beardyman >> Holographic Performance


Saw this about a month ago but I couldn’t quite figure out how to lift it.   Not even the geekiest of my super geek friends could work it out.   What’s the point of wasting your time with dweebs if they can’t even help you out with the stuff you’re too cool to learn yourself.

Sort yourselves out lads or I’ll trade you in!

Anyway, I got there in the end.

It’s another instalment from the boy Cairns after this sensational Scratch Perverts stuff I bought you a while back.

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It’s pretty mind blowing.  He’s a clever boy inhe.  Yes he is

Harsh!

RnR!

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Jewels & Muffs. How it went down!


It’s been a while. Sorry sorry sorry.  I’ve been busy dealing with shit in the real world. Fucking real world!  I’ll get to it.

The arts and crafts for that party of ours consumed me for the best part of two weeks.  Cutting out stencils, making signs and pimping up a hoody takes time you know.  So does liberating an industrial sized sub woofer from a City gym and typing up a 380 strong guestlist for a party meant for 180.  I shit myself a few times I can tell thee.

It went off alright anyway.  We had a few teething problems.  Lewy Pooey and me don’t know our arse’s from our cocks from our elbows with anything technical electrical, but we somehow got the PA going. Luck more than judgement.  Took a few tweeks from the people who actually knew what the fuck they were doing but all in all it didn’t sound half bad.

The lightswords came out too early.  The sweets and bubbles didn’t come out at all, and people generally thought I was peddling poppers when I went round with the glow sticks……me!…..poppers!….my arsehole is wide enough mate.  Minor problems.

Being a warehouse, being 4th floor and being only one toilet…..that’s more of a problem.  Alot of piss flowing down 60 feet of stairs apparently.  I didn’t see it, but I imagine it looked quite beautiful.

I played first and busted out my now standard reggae/soul set.  It was early.  No-one cared.  Gilbey rolled into town and smashed it to pieces, the two Scotsman were visibly shaken at the prospect of having to follow what he put down, but true to their word they played the hits.  Plenty of sing-a-longs and hands in the air.  It was an over-sized house party and that’s what we wanted.

A sign and hoody crafted by my own fair hand

A right pair of lovelies

I think they're both dead. Worth it though.

Gilbey and his Deejaaaaay stance

They were a quid. The pound shop is ace for shit partys!

Some nice people.

Chop her fucking head off! Go on!

These two thought I wanted to be Calvin Harris. Plums.

Unfortunately just as we were getting going the police rolled into town and gave us the heads up on an imminent raid (needless to say alot of people would have been in a bit of trouble) and closed us down.  Bloody bastards!  We mooched on for another half hour but had the plug pulled at 3 a.m.  It could’ve been worse….it could’ve been much much better!

It was great crowd.  Brilliant to see some old faces, meet some new ones and have a laugh.  Apologies if I didn’t get the chance to speak to everyone.  There was a lot going on.

I think we’ll do something again.  Somewhere licensed.  Somewhere with more toilets.  Somewhere we don’t have to worry so much.

That was that.

Big love to Hannah for the sub and glow sticks.  Harry Malt for the flyer.  Gilbey, Paul and Alan for the tunes and you ‘orrible lot for coming along and getting involved!

Until next time!

RnR.

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Jewel Muff Party Time


I have a friend called Lewis.  Me and his Mum call him Lewy Pooey.  Lewy Pooey loves being called Lewy Pooey.  He always says to me “call me Lewy Pooey”.  So I do.

I like Lewy Pooey for lots and lots of reasons.  I like him because he wears vests, but not under things to keep him warm, he wears them like normal people wear t-shirts.  I think this is great.  Even when it snows Lewy Pooey will wear just a vest.  I think he is really strong and tough.

Lewy Pooey has a harmonica necklace.  I think this is really cool and groovy and it’s great because he lets me blow it and everyone goes “wow” and it makes me feel special.

He has a hat that people say he wears because he is getting a bit thin on top, but I think he wears it because it makes him look ultra fab.

But my very best favourite thing about Lewy poey is that he has a tooth that he can take out of his face whenever he wants.  I would love to have a tooth I could take out of my face whenever I want. Sometimes Lewy pooey will do it to girls and they will get shocked and say “I am shocked”.  We laugh at them.  ALOT!  Stupid cows.

We’re having a party soon.  It’s not our birthdays or anything, we just LOVE being the centre of attention.  We are having a Jewel and Ear Muff Party because it’s National Jewel Day and National Ear Muff Day.  Lewy Pooey said that the bloody Yanks have all sorts of crap like that.  I don’t know what that means but yank sounds like that rude thing that makes you go blind.  And he said crap, so I laughed alot!  Ha ha.

My very good friend Harold made us a flyer for our party.  The Queen looks really really funny because her hat is on all wonky and her coat is well bright.  I hurts my eyes when I look at it.  I don’t know the other man but he has a strange head.  He must be really old because he has lots of saggy skin on his face.  The Queen has lots and lots of money that she works really hard for because she is the Queen, I think that she should pay for the saggy skin face man to have some plastic surgery to make his face not so ugly.

Non-elected spongers not welcome

I’m pleased that Harold made us our flyer yesterday because he was very unwell last night.  Matt the Cat found Harold standing in a puddle of red vomit in his socks.  Matt the Cat said he looked like a sad puppy.  I hope that Harold is ok and that he doesn’t look at anything like the saggy face mans face, he’ll definitely be sick again! Yuck!

I am looking forward to our party.  We are getting a big scary man to come and make sure that nobody has any arguments.  He will be my big scary man for the day, and because it will also be my party, if somebody is horrible to me I will get the big scary man to bonk them on the head and throw them in the bin.

I wish I could have a big scary man with me all the time.  There alot of people I would make him bonk over the head and throw in the bin.  I would set him on that man called Dave who rides a bike and doesn’t wear a tie and tells everyone that he is the best man that anyone has ever seen and he will make everything ok again.  I think he’s a prat.

I would do a moony on his face when he was in the bin and say.  Ha ha Dave.  Sniff my arse Dave.  Your bike is broken Dave.  You’re going to have to walk home Dave.

You cunt.

Beware of me and my scary man!!!

RnR

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