Chris Cairns/Beardyman >> Holographic Performance

Saw this about a month ago but I couldn’t quite figure out how to lift it.   Not even the geekiest of my super geek friends could work it out.   What’s the point of wasting your time with dweebs if they can’t even help you out with the stuff you’re too cool to learn yourself.

Sort yourselves out lads or I’ll trade you in!

Anyway, I got there in the end.

It’s another instalment from the boy Cairns after this sensational Scratch Perverts stuff I bought you a while back.

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It’s pretty mind blowing.  He’s a clever boy inhe.  Yes he is

Harsh!

RnR!

Bare Bones – issue 3

“LAST NIGHT’S TAXI DRIVER, TOMORROW’S LOVER”

Coming to you from the cleverest, most handsomest, most loveliest and most bestest scribbler in all of the land (that’s my buddy Harry Malt for those of you too bloody stupid to not know already) is the imminent release of Bare Bones issue 3.

Now I’ve told you about this loads before but it’s getting better and better and bigger and bigger.  They’ll again be knocking out 90 A5 prints from the 30 featured artists, all for the meagre sum of twenty squids…….I’ll be looking to replace the two that bird of mine seems to have lost since the issue 2 run.

To launch they’ll again be exhibiting at the Nue Gallery near Brick Lane from 1st April and running until….I don’t know…..a bit after that…..a couple of weeks….a month….fuck knows.  It’s really worth getting yourselves along at some point though.

The paper will be available to download sometime after the 1st.  Probably when Malt recovers from the his inevitable fools hangover.  Should anyone out of London (or the local lazy’s) want a physical copy, I’ll grab you one and send it on….fuck it….I’ll even pick up the postage.  Nice guy I am.

You can download Bare Bones issue 2 here – after felching and Gerbilling vids, it’s probably the best thing you could get from the interweb…..and it won’t get you in trouble with the missus…unless she loves Maggie Thatcher and deplores banana mutilation….in which case you should probably fuck her off anyway.  Silly cow.

Perhaps I’ll see you there.  Perhaps I’ll talk to you…..but probably not.

Now piss off.

RnR.

Foals – Total Life Forever

I like Foals.  Have done since I, along with the rest of the world, got hold of their demo’s.  There was a bit of a wait for the debut album, unfortunately in that time they were so hyped they were never going to meet expectations.  Poor bastards.  I liked Antidotes.  Really liked it in-fact.  Even if the production left a little to be desired.

This new album is brave.  Moving away from the fast paced punchyness that got them so many fans, they’ve gone for a much more downbeat approach in Total Life Forever.  What I’ve heard I’ve really liked.  The first single Spanish Sahara is just starting to hit the play-lists….well….on 6music anyway.  It’ll probably be on Radio 1 in about August (we really don’t need 6 Music anymore do we!).  It’s ace.  Really fucking ace.

Ok, so the atmospheric spaceyness vibe seems a bit on trend what with The XX & Animal Collective albums doing so well last year, but so what.  It’s complicated, it’s layered, it’s intelligent and it’ll take time to really appreciate.  All good things in my eyes.

It’ll be keeping the lovers of immediate Kasabian type dross at bay……hopefully.  A gain in popularity whilst retaining credibility isn’t an easy thing to do.  I think they’ll manage it.  The average Joe wants more than a tub thumper now days.  Don’t they?

If they can follow up the album with good live performances, I think they’ve got the potential to make some pretty big strides in 2010.  I’m right behind them

Check it!

RnR

Jewels & Muffs. How it went down!

It’s been a while. Sorry sorry sorry.  I’ve been busy dealing with shit in the real world. Fucking real world!  I’ll get to it.

The arts and crafts for that party of ours consumed me for the best part of two weeks.  Cutting out stencils, making signs and pimping up a hoody takes time you know.  So does liberating an industrial sized sub woofer from a City gym and typing up a 380 strong guestlist for a party meant for 180.  I shit myself a few times I can tell thee.

It went off alright anyway.  We had a few teething problems.  Lewy Pooey and me don’t know our arse’s from our cocks from our elbows with anything technical electrical, but we somehow got the PA going. Luck more than judgement.  Took a few tweeks from the people who actually knew what the fuck they were doing but all in all it didn’t sound half bad.

The lightswords came out too early.  The sweets and bubbles didn’t come out at all, and people generally thought I was peddling poppers when I went round with the glow sticks……me!…..poppers!….my arsehole is wide enough mate.  Minor problems.

Being a warehouse, being 4th floor and being only one toilet…..that’s more of a problem.  Alot of piss flowing down 60 feet of stairs apparently.  I didn’t see it, but I imagine it looked quite beautiful.

I played first and busted out my now standard reggae/soul set.  It was early.  No-one cared.  Gilbey rolled into town and smashed it to pieces, the two Scotsman were visibly shaken at the prospect of having to follow what he put down, but true to their word they played the hits.  Plenty of sing-a-longs and hands in the air.  It was an over-sized house party and that’s what we wanted.

A sign and hoody crafted by my own fair hand

A right pair of lovelies

I think they're both dead. Worth it though.

Gilbey and his Deejaaaaay stance

They were a quid. The pound shop is ace for shit partys!

Some nice people.

Chop her fucking head off! Go on!

These two thought I wanted to be Calvin Harris. Plums.

Unfortunately just as we were getting going the police rolled into town and gave us the heads up on an imminent raid (needless to say alot of people would have been in a bit of trouble) and closed us down.  Bloody bastards!  We mooched on for another half hour but had the plug pulled at 3 a.m.  It could’ve been worse….it could’ve been much much better!

It was great crowd.  Brilliant to see some old faces, meet some new ones and have a laugh.  Apologies if I didn’t get the chance to speak to everyone.  There was a lot going on.

I think we’ll do something again.  Somewhere licensed.  Somewhere with more toilets.  Somewhere we don’t have to worry so much.

That was that.

Big love to Hannah for the sub and glow sticks.  Harry Malt for the flyer.  Gilbey, Paul and Alan for the tunes and you ‘orrible lot for coming along and getting involved!

Until next time!

RnR.

Swizz: Jay-Z / Justice Remix

A lot of producers, when turned on to something new, will take it literally, chunking whole pieces under a beat and acting like they just broke music open. Swizz did the exact opposite with Justice’s “D.A.N.C.E.,” taking a lyric snippet out of its context, hearing something no one else would and making something weirder than anyone else tried in mainstream rap production last year. And it’s not even a big deal because he does weird shit all the time.

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Gang Starr – Guru get well

When I was about 16 I remember going to Fopp and buying every Tribe Called Quest and The Pharcyde album.  They were in the £5 section.  I even think The Low End Theory and People’s Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm were £3.  Probably the best money I’ve ever spent!

I didn’t think you could beat those guys.  Then I splashed out £7 on Gang Starr’s Step in the Arena and it absolutely blew me away.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’d been listening to a lot of Jazz around that time and that’s the first thing that hit me with Gang Starr.  It was like nothing I’d heard before.  Guru’s delivery and DJ Premier’s Swing influences were/are pretty incredible.

Guru had a heart attack this week and is in a coma.  He’s only in his mid 40’s.  I’ve been listening to alot of them the past couple of days.  I forgot how many amazing tracks they have.

Anyone out there who dismisses Hip Hop out of hand has no idea about music in my opinion, and they’ve certainly never given any time to Gang Starr.

For dealing with difficult social issues eloquently and with poise, for incorporating their influences from some of the deepest roots of black American music, and for creating something genuinely original they achieved something truly memorable.

At their best they are more relevant and insightful than anything else I can think of.

Take some time to give them a listen if you haven’t before.

Easy!

RnR

Jewel Muff Party Time

I have a friend called Lewis.  Me and his Mum call him Lewy Pooey.  Lewy Pooey loves being called Lewy Pooey.  He always says to me “call me Lewy Pooey”.  So I do.

I like Lewy Pooey for lots and lots of reasons.  I like him because he wears vests, but not under things to keep him warm, he wears them like normal people wear t-shirts.  I think this is great.  Even when it snows Lewy Pooey will wear just a vest.  I think he is really strong and tough.

Lewy Pooey has a harmonica necklace.  I think this is really cool and groovy and it’s great because he lets me blow it and everyone goes “wow” and it makes me feel special.

He has a hat that people say he wears because he is getting a bit thin on top, but I think he wears it because it makes him look ultra fab.

But my very best favourite thing about Lewy poey is that he has a tooth that he can take out of his face whenever he wants.  I would love to have a tooth I could take out of my face whenever I want. Sometimes Lewy pooey will do it to girls and they will get shocked and say “I am shocked”.  We laugh at them.  ALOT!  Stupid cows.

We’re having a party soon.  It’s not our birthdays or anything, we just LOVE being the centre of attention.  We are having a Jewel and Ear Muff Party because it’s National Jewel Day and National Ear Muff Day.  Lewy Pooey said that the bloody Yanks have all sorts of crap like that.  I don’t know what that means but yank sounds like that rude thing that makes you go blind.  And he said crap, so I laughed alot!  Ha ha.

My very good friend Harold made us a flyer for our party.  The Queen looks really really funny because her hat is on all wonky and her coat is well bright.  I hurts my eyes when I look at it.  I don’t know the other man but he has a strange head.  He must be really old because he has lots of saggy skin on his face.  The Queen has lots and lots of money that she works really hard for because she is the Queen, I think that she should pay for the saggy skin face man to have some plastic surgery to make his face not so ugly.

Non-elected spongers not welcome

I’m pleased that Harold made us our flyer yesterday because he was very unwell last night.  Matt the Cat found Harold standing in a puddle of red vomit in his socks.  Matt the Cat said he looked like a sad puppy.  I hope that Harold is ok and that he doesn’t look at anything like the saggy face mans face, he’ll definitely be sick again! Yuck!

I am looking forward to our party.  We are getting a big scary man to come and make sure that nobody has any arguments.  He will be my big scary man for the day, and because it will also be my party, if somebody is horrible to me I will get the big scary man to bonk them on the head and throw them in the bin.

I wish I could have a big scary man with me all the time.  There alot of people I would make him bonk over the head and throw in the bin.  I would set him on that man called Dave who rides a bike and doesn’t wear a tie and tells everyone that he is the best man that anyone has ever seen and he will make everything ok again.  I think he’s a prat.

I would do a moony on his face when he was in the bin and say.  Ha ha Dave.  Sniff my arse Dave.  Your bike is broken Dave.  You’re going to have to walk home Dave.

You cunt.

Beware of me and my scary man!!!

RnR

The Drums Best Friends are The Psychedelic Furs

Right.  Just a quick one.  The Drums were on Lauren Laverne’s 6 Music show this morning.

Their track “I felt stupid”, has been about for a while and I like it a lot, but this new release “Let’s go surfing” from the same self titled EP is a step up.

I’ve been liking the sounds coming out of Brooklyn for a while now, and this with it’s 80’s synth vibe and nods to the Beach Boys and New Wave is no different.  Surf Pop from New York, who’da thunk it!?

Sounds mightily like  Heaven by The Psychedelic Furs to me.  If I was Richard Butler I’d be keeping a close eye on them! See what you think.

They’ve got the potential to be pretty big.  I won’t be saying no to listening to them outside in the sunshine at a festival that’s for sure!

Similar?  Or just me?

Summery!

RnR!

You pricks look like you need some cheering up.

Even by my standards I’ve been a bit of a grumpy bastard recently.  I’m not usually bothered about winter but this one’s never fucking ending.  Everyone seems pissed off.  It’s made me realise that being a dour bastard is only fun when everyone else is in high spirits and I can rain on their parade a bit.  There’s no fun in kicking someone who’s already down.

To give myself a bit of a pick me up, I bought me and the good time police a couple of tickets for Bestival this morning.

So rather than having a moan about how I want to reach down the phone and crush the wind pipes of the people who tell you to “listen” when you’re talking to them on the phone, or how the next person who feels the need to pull me aside in a bar and ask me why I have my shirt buttoned to the top will get a ash tray in the face, I’ll instead fill you in on some bright and cheery things that have been making the past few weeks vaguely bearable.

All in the spirit of Bestival.  Get it?

Right then.  First up is this tune by The Strange Boys.  I’ve been hearing it a bit on 6Music recently.  I don’t know much about them but if this is anything to go by I’ll be giving them some time.  It sounds like an old 60’s garage band with a bit of Charlie Parker chucked in for good measure.  Not a bad mix!

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m a proper geezer and not a big My Little Pony fan.  Well, not since I was caught playing with them and my Sisters Care Bears when I was about 19.  Anyway, these are the nuts and well blokey.

Just one more thing.  There’s this guy called Limmy.  He’s a bit of a hit in the blogging world.  He’s been knocking out video blogs for a long time.  Some belters including how he likes to kill prostitutes on Grand Theft Auto and shit like that.  My sort of stuff!  Anyway, BBC Scotland have given him a series.  You can catch it on Iplayer, well worth a watch it is.  Now technically I shouldn’t be promoting his stuff what with him banning me from following him on Twitter.  He might be funny, but the prick cannae take a joke.

Oh and Master Chef is back on Thursday.  I bleedin’ love Master Chef!!  I’ve missed Gregg Wallace sucking off cutlery and John Torode looking like he might stab someone in the face if they fuck up a bernaise.  It’s amazing.  I love the seriousness of it all.  “Oh no.  That is a real shame.  You’ve got lumps in your mash.”  “*sniff sniff*.” ” If you give me another chance I’ll prove to you that I can make good mash.  *sniff sniff*.”  Wicked!

Hopefully these things will bring a smile to your face and put a spring in your step.  If they do I’ll be waiting near by to trip you up.  Bye bye.

Easy now!!

RnR

Mallorca Rocks! Ummm. No. No it doesn’t.

Incredible to believe I did this in paint.

I’ve made no secret of my dislike for The Kooks.  In some respects it’s perhaps a bit unfair.  They’re no worse than alot of other bands you would stick in their category.  A quick look at the “customers who bought this item also bought” on Amazon brings up one of the most depressing lists I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Joseph Fritzels charge sheet:  The Fratellis, Hard-Fi, Razorlight, The Zutons, The View, The Feeling……..yadda yadda yadda.

I’ve got nothing against people who like Pop.  Pop in the modern sense of the word I mean, we’re not talking The Beatles here.  The Pussycat Dolls and all that.  They’re clearly not after anything from their music other than a bit of a sing-a-long and a good time.  Fair enough, nothing wrong with that.  Once or twice a year even I like to have a good time.  No, not to The Pussycat Dolls.  Well, unless they’re on T4 gyrating round something or other with their tits out, but even then I’ve got the volume right down so I can listen for my bird coming up the stairs *wank wank* *wink wink*.

It’s when the folk who wouldn’t listen to anything other than funky house one minute all of a sudden claim to be really “into bands”.  Nothing to do with you seeing someone in Heat at a festival wearing wellies, denim hot pants and a fucking stupid straw hat and thinking you’d like a bit of that then?  Oh no, course not.  Who are you looking forward to seeing?  Snow Patrol huh?  Cool, for a second there I thought you were just jumping on the band wagon.

I wouldn’t mind if they said; “oh I like The Kooks because I love a catchy tune” and “I like festivals because it’s fashionable”, but they don’t.  They insist on saying that they’re “indie kids”.   Don’t even get me started on “indie”.  At what point did it lose it’s meaning and become a byword for a genre of music that’s just as full of generic big label, mass marketed shite as that show with Kylie’s Sister and ‘er from Girls Aloud?

Again...paint! I know! Incredible.

The Kooks and them rest of ’em are just filler.  They were signed up quickly by record execs so they could cash in from the huge surge of dickheads that called anyone who liked a band at school a “greebo” but now want an excuse to buy a cow print tent.

Anyway.  I digress.  The point of this post was this…..I read this week that there’s to be another branch of Ibiza Rocks.  This one however is going to be called Mallorca Rocks and it’s going to be in the salubrious surroundings of Magaluf.  The Kooks are playing the opening gig.  I for one can’t wait.  I’ve been waiting since 1999 to go back, this is the perfect excuse to get the boys back together for not only a week of furious fingering like last time, but also some really great tunes!

I was listening to someone from the band talking about it on the radio yesterday.  Probably the curly haired one, I dunno.  He had this sad resignation in his voice.  Like the V Festival was The Kooks girlfriend.  She was quite stupid and didn’t really have much about her, but she was quite hot.  Now she’s given them the elbow and they’re back on the market.  They’ve tried it on with a few nice looking birds, but they’ve all told them to fuck off.  They’re gradually realising that they’d been punching above their weight and now they’re having to settle for the grubby fat chick that is Magaluf.

There’s nothing like being forced by your label to go out to some massive Spanish shit hole and have your “hits” be the soundtrack to glassings and chlamydia.

Good on yer lads!

Maga!

RnR