I have a feeling that this post could end up being pretty epic. If like me, you have a tendency to scroll down the page before you start reading anything, do not be deterred…..it’ll all be worth it. Believe.
Right then. Me and the tart and Lewy Pooey and his horse hound all headed down to Dorset the other weekend in aid of Pooey’s birfdee.
Day 1 of our activities began on the Saturday:
We all jumped in the Almera and headed off. To get where we were going we had to get on the Studland chain ferry. I was very excited. I was a bit sad that the crossing wasn’t a bit longer as it looked like it would be a thrilling trip, but when we got out onto the huge expanse of ocean I was glad that it wasn’t too far as the water was SO choppy I thought that we might all perish. Luckily the captain was very experienced and he managed to save us from certain death.
Whilst we were crossing Gemdog informed us that Studland has the most popular nudist beach in the UK. Luckily it was quite cloudy and a touch windy so we didn’t see any cocks or fanny’s. Phew! YUK!
To celebrate not seeing an old boys old boy, we stopped off at this big hairy pub and had a drink. I had a pint of ale because I am a big strong man. The tarts had a half and Lewy had a pint of 7% cider because he is sensible and was driving.
It is a very lovely pub isn’t it? Lewy wanted some cash-back. They were very accommodating and said he could have as much as he wanted. He got £50.
Whilst in the garden we decided to get a picture of birthday boy and his TWO new camera’s. Luckily Gem dog has an I-Groan, otherwise we would’ve had to take brass rubbing of his face. Which would’ve been ridiculous! We didn’t even have any crayons!!
Lewey was wearing his new trousers. He loved them he did. He kept rubbing his legs and saying how nice they felt. It made me feel awkward. Like when you can’t stop thinking about wanking and you’re in the same room as your Nan.
After our drinks we headed down to the sea, where I skimmed stones and everyone on the beach watched in awe. My technique is second to none. We also wrote “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEWIS” in the sand. I drew some balloons around the text to liven it up a bit. The bird said they were shit. She always has to go a ruin and nice moment. We went back to the car because she had fucked everything up!….and it was a bit chilly.
I think the balloons are alright.....
Back in the Almera we made our way to Swanage. I had never been to Swanage, but my old school chums went there on a field trip. My mate told me that it was one of the best weeks of his life. I was very excited!
Not a little slapper in sight 😦
I had been told it was utopia of slags and 4 litre bottles of cider, imagine my disappointment then when we were greeted by a 1940’s street party! Gutted. Still, there was a 40 something woman singing “Johnny be Good” and she had massive fun bags. Rough with the smooth I ‘spose.
We went to the arcade and tried to make our fortune. I think those 10p slot machines where you try and win more 10p’s are AMAZING! Now they’ve even put five pound notes and jewellery in there with them. It’s like a little bit of Vegas right in Dorset. While we were there Lewy and Gem dog won these guys. I had my sunglasses nicked. Everyone’s a winner!
I also bought a pair of 80’s brown Clarks loafers from Help the Aged. I got a great deal at £6.99. In London they would’ve been at least £30. Although I did feel bad because vintage shops in London only charge so much because they like to give much more money to charity than those Dorset bastards! I shall write a cheque for the difference to Beyond Retro.
We said our goodbyes to Swanage with a 99 and headed on towards Corfe Castle.
This is Corfe Castle. We planned on walking up and taking a look around but none of us could be fucked and they were taking six quid. That’s a couple of beers down there so we went to the pub to relax.
Corfe Castle is in Wareham. Gem dog told us that Enid Blyton based Noddy’s toy town on Wareham. It had a little steam train and everything. I really liked these that were in all the shops. I especially liked it when I saw a little boys parents buying him one as a souvenier….awwwwww.
The tart tried to convince me that me that Enid Blyton was a bit of racist. She’s a wolly!
When we got home Gem Dogs Mum said that the village shop at Corfe Castle had been on Mary Queen of shops that week. It was pretty strange as we had bought some stuff from there. Mary is good at her job obviously. I was a bit gutted we missed Mary. I definitely would.
Yum yum yum.
In the evening we went to Poole harbour. We sat and had a glass of Rose and watched a drunk girl get taken away by the police. She asked the policemen what she was “sposed ta ‘ave done”, they said “you know what happened”, “no I don’t” came the reply. You “headbutted her didn’t you”. “Oh”.
We moved on. Loads of people were dressed as pirates a bit further on which was FUN! Nice old style pirates I mean, the ones that say “arrrgghhh me hearty” and that. Not those mad brown ones with speed boats and machine guns who say “give me your boat or I shoot dis woman in her face. They’re awful they are those ones.
The highlight of the day for the girls was when we were in the taxi and “Nelly – Ride wit me” came on. Me and Lewy Poeey absolutely fucking smashed it mate. Taxi driver was lovin’ it!
If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)
Ok. So we’re only at day 1 and day 2 was better than day 1. I think I’ll have to do this in two parts.
Still to come in part 2…..a treasure hunt…..deserted towns….wrong turns…..nitrous oxide……..military testing and our 1st McFlurry in 4 years.